Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Cover it Up

Today at the Target checkout line something happened that is a very rare occurrence for Austin [HELP ME COME UP WITH A NEW NAME!] Ali.  I actually bit my tongue and didn't comment on something that was e.a.t.i.n.g m.e u.p.  And I totally regret it.

It started out as one of those trips where it's like "oooh.  I know.  How about some pumpkin flavored cream cheese to liven things up a bit?  What a treat."  Totally boring trip. 

Anyway, as we were checking out, this dude came up behind us and plopped down a GIANT BOX of Trojan condoms along with some Orbit gum.  I feel like he was teetering between a too-cool-for-school-I'm-getting-laid vibe versus the I'm-totally-mortified-to-be-buying-condoms-at-11am-at-a-Target vibe.

I immediately started snickering.  All by myself (with the exception of  Lauren strapped to me), laughing away. 

Lauren was a total snot factory (proven by the lady who stopped me to point out, "oh wow he has a huge snot bubble!  oh but he's so cute!"), and my grocery list couldn't have been any more dull.  I started thinking of how this dude and I couldn't have been in any more opposing parts of our lives.

And how he was a very, very smart man. 

The words, "take my word for it, that's a really smart purchase there, buddy." were THIS CLOSE to coming out.
 
But didn't.  Maybe I'm growing up? 


Sunday, October 13, 2013

Always Be Prepared

The other day I was on my way out to take the kiddos for a walk when up sped a total CUTIE PATOOTIE on his little Razor scooter into my driveway dressed in a Cub Scout uniform.  Now, I'm not a huge fan of the Scouts since they are total homophobes, but this poor kid can't be blamed for a bunch of uptight insecure close minded dudes, now can he? 

Anyway, I digress. 

me:  "Hey buddy, what's up?"

cutie patootie:  "I'm selling some popcorn.  Wanna buy some popcorn?"

me:  "Do I ever.  Whatcha got?"

::hands over the clipboard::  ($25 for POPCORN??!!  WTF?)

me:  "This looks great.  I'll take some of that chocolate caramel stuff you have there.  Wait.  Do I have to pay you now?  Because my wallet is inside and it just took me like 30 minutes to get these kids out of the house."

cutie patootie:  "Yeah.  Well, wait.  I don't know.  Wait.  I think you can just fill this in and then you can pay me later.  Like when I bring it back?"

me:  "OK, sounds good.  Where's your pen?  I'll fill in my order."

cutie patootie:  "I don't have a pen."

me:  "Hmm.  I don't either.  Wait, you don't have a pen?  Aren't the Boy Scouts like always supposed to be prepared?"

::::DEER IN HEADLIGHTS::::

me again:  "Well wait, you're a Cub Scout and all.... can't you just make a writing utensil out of a stick or something?"

cutie patootie [looks around, all frantic-like, for a good 15 seconds]:  "Well, I COULD.  But you don't have any mud."

Well played, cutie patootie cub scout.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Big News

omg you guys.  WE HAVE A NEW PET.

IT'S A WOOLLY WORM, YA'LL
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shockingly enough, I found it in this room that is barely used downstairs called the "laundry room" (??) ... and as I was switching the laundry (!!!!) I looked down and THERE IT WAS.

I shot upstairs to get The Bug House that I bought for myself Logan a few weeks ago at a garage sale for $1 (um, the same garage sale where I scored 2 tennis rackets for $4 ALONG WITH A BABYSITTER, WOOOOT WOOOOT!!!!!) and then showed him to Logan.

Me:  "LOGAN!  look at what we have now!!!  A WOOLLY WORM!!!!!!  Isn't this awesome??  He is our pet.  What should we name him?  Want to name him Willy?  Let's name him Willy."  ::calm down, you manic freak::

Logan:  "Daddy.  His name Daddy." 

Daddy it is.

Then we did a little research on woollyworm.com and discovered many interesting facts about Daddy.  (Did you know the severity of winter can be predicted by the color of Daddy's fur?  Shit man, these things are wild.  Oh, it's going to be a harsh winter, btw.  Batten down the hatches.) 

After that, I texted Willis to let him know about our new pet. 

[picture text to Willis - 2:59PM, Oct 4]:  "Meet our new pet.  Woolly worm.  His name is Daddy." 

[text from Willis - 3:01PM, Oct 4]:  "Awesome."

Then, 20 minutes goes by.

[text from Willis - 3:21PM, Oct 4]:  "Did you put some leaves in there for food?  It might want a snack"

Hilarious!  First of all, I wonder if Willis was sitting there stewing for 20 minutes about Daddy not eating?  Secondly, if Willis knew anything about Daddy he would know that Daddy doesn't eat leaves.  He prefers a medley of grass, clover, spinach and cabbage. 

See for yourself!!!!

Daddy really hates solicitors.



Daddy is really settling into his new digs.


Peace out, everyone.  Kilham table for 5! 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Delusional

Before I had kids, I had these great visions of what my life was going to be like as a stay at home mom.  And by great visions I mean TOTAL DELUSIONS. 

Let's discuss a few of those, shall we?

DELUSION:  The nursery is going to be stylish, sophisticated, and peaceful.

nursery delusion exhibit A

REALITY:  Lauren, will you please stop pulling the garbage bags off the window every time I change your diaper?  It's super annoying and I'm running out of duct tape.  And that laundry on the ottoman isn't going to fold itself.  Meh, I'll just grab shit out of there as I need it.

nursery reality exhibit B
 
DELUSION:  My children are always going to have fresh, nutritious snacks that are prepared with love, since I will have so much time on my hands considering all I am is a mom [NOPE NO TONE THERE, YOU READ IT WRONG.  NO TONE]. 

delicious nutritious snack delusion exhibit A

REALITY:  [at deli down the street] "Mama, can I have that big bag of pretzels?"  "yup.  Here." 

delicious nutritious snack reality exhibit B

delicious nutritious snack reality exhibit C
 
DELUSION:  I am going to have an awesome garden at my house.  Definitely with a water feature for relaxation. 
 
relaxing garden delusion exhibit A
 
REALITY:  Dude, I know when we saw this house before we bought it there was a tiny pond back up in here.  WHERE THE HELL IS IT?  I'm just going to hack away at all of these giant plants until I find it.  And then just leave these shears out here for like 7 days until they get all rusty, then I'll put them away. 
 
relaxing garden reality exhibit B
 
DELUSION:  I love DIY.  Since my kid is ripping the doors off their hinges at every nap and bedtime, maybe I'll put a cute shower curtain up like I saw on Pinterest.
 
cute shower curtain closet door delusion exhibit A

REALITY:  nailed it!  And yes, my 2 1/2 year old is still in a crib.  JUDGE AWAY. 
 
cute shower curtain closet door reality exhibit B
 
DELUSION:  I'm not going to be one of those moms that lets herself go.  I can still be cute, stylish and skinny.  Why get frazzled?  It only wastes precious energy.  I can totally look like this:
 
non frazzled mom delusion exhibit A
 
REALITY:  lookin' good, lady.  Keep it up. 
 
non frazzled mom reality exhibit B
 
 


Friday, September 20, 2013

What up?

I'm baaaaaaack!  Just when you thought you were rid of me....

So, this morning at 6AM when I was getting the potty ready for Logan before he got out of bed (YES BECAUSE HE'S POTTY TRAINED WOOOOT!  brag alert totally gonna jinx it now) I looked in the mirror and thought, "man.  I kind of look like Howard Stern right now." 

See for yourself.

nope.  no pants.



Right??

OK.  So I'm not going to recap the last hundred months, but we are alive.  Big hugs to our family and friends that have been so amazing.  We love you guys.

AND with that said, here's a little glimpse into life right now.  See you very soon.

MEET LAUREN!
aka easiest, happiest baby on the planet.
except when I take a selfie before naptime.

 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I'm still alive! I think.

First of all, do I even keep this going?  I mean, what's it been, 4 MONTHS?  I figured that Austin Ali would just shrivel up and die... after all, there's no more Austin in the Ali (omg! total porn alert!) but I figured I'd at least give one more HOLLER AT YOUR MOTHER in case you never hear from me again after Friday.  'Cause in all likelihood, you won't. 

BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN BABY LAUREN ARRIVES!!*

AHHHHH!  Someone asked tonight "are you feeling ready?  Excited?  Nervous?"  And my answer was, "none of the above."  It's really weird.  I'm not sure if it's complete denial, or I'm just too tired to feel anything.  And no, I AM NOT READY.  But what I do know is I can't wait to get my paws on this little lamb!  So maybe that would qualify as excited.

Baby Lauren decided to hang out breech like Logie, but then out of the blue at like 35.765 weeks she decided to do a little FLIP.  That wasn't uncomfortable or anything.  So, the last two weeks have been, "shit.  Do I do a VBAC?  Willis, should I do a VBAC?  Everyone else within earshot/in my contact list, should I do a VBAC?"  So here's the plan.  If she decides to try and make her debut before Friday, I'm going to try.  If not, then scrub me in for the c/sec.  8 am Friday is the last day for Austin Ali to be prego.  EVER AGAIN.  Tie those babies up, too.  I'm done.  Shop's closed.  (Just FYI in case you were wondering about my birth and/or future children plans because I know you all were.) 

Let's recap the last few months, shall we?  Oh!  We made it back to MA in case you were wondering.  Like 4 months ago. 

Here's about where I think we left off. 

A big truck came to take away our car.
We got the bug morgue spot right in the front.
Oh and then those assholes stole our ipod.
Too bad it was like the first ipod ever made, losers.
Enjoy.
Packed light for the plane.  It wasn't as bad as I thought
it would be, traveling alone with Logie prego. 
ps I'm lying.

1 of the 4 minutes Logan wore his harness
on the airplane.
 
Logie got to experience his first town car ride from the
airport because he's a baller (and his mama is too
paranoid to have a Boston cabbie drive him)
 
Lots of QT with his buddies nat nat and bobby since
we stayed at their wonderful house for like 157 days (poor things)
(Logan tormented them and drooled all over their toys)

OH someone also GOT CUTER if that's even poss

had some fun at an extended stay

more fun in the hotel

THEN THE MOVERS CAME WITH ALL OF OUR SHIT!

oh and this?  This "contract pending house sale?"
This went on for 68 days.  Instead of 30.  68.
I was a freak with worry and drove everyone around me crazy.
EVERYONE.

I had a picture of our house here but got creeped out that a stalker would like Google map it or something.

OHMYGOD IF I KEEP UP THIS PACE I'M GOING TO BE SITTING HERE UPLOADING PICTURES WHILE LAUREN GOES OFF TO COLLEGE. 

Let's fast forward.  In no particular order, here's what's been going on as of late.  As of late?  wtf?   

Logan grew a mullet

FIRST SNOW!


First haircut!  I cried.
And saved his hair.  pyschoooo

got cuter AGAIN
 
I'M NOT COMFY!


Logan is going to miss his fave pillow
(Lauren's butt)

Just another morning in labor and delivery...
FALSE ALARM!

Don't we look Amish here?
I feel like we look Amish.

after nap cuddles in bed only every day
because I'm too flipping tired to do anything.
DEAR GOD DO I HAVE ANYTHING ELSE
I CAN WEAR BESIDES THAT RED SHIRT?!


In case you don't know how to tell time,
that's AM.  As in 4:53am. 
Someone is very excited to meet his baby sister
so has decided that sleep is for pansies.
KILLMENOWOMG.
 
trick or treat.  in Willis's office building, since
we were in Maine hiding from hurricane
Sandy during the real deal....

just about sums up the last 2 months or so.

cousins....

Willis only has 1/2 a face now.  It's totally weird.

lots of time locked on the deck

destroying the pantry, per usual

slumber party

I heart new england

AARON AND CATHERINE HAD
A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HI CHARLOTTE!
10/3/12

new park.  where's joey?  ethan?  teagan??? HELLO!?

auntie duty!!!!!!!! 
omg I am wearing that shirt again. 
this is getting embarrassing. 

I mean..............

one of the last mullet shots.

lookin good Logiebear

So, there you have it.  Aside from missing my friends (and their babies) in Austin terribly (well, most of them anyway AHAHAHHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING, OF COURSEEEEEEE) and the ability to drive 12 minutes and be at any store imaginable, it's good to be home. 

T - 2 days until this family of 3 becomes 4!  Maybe you'll hear from me again.  I CAN'T QUIT YOU!!!!!


*Guess I better get used to pink.