Sunday, October 30, 2011

Herding Babies

Had a fabulous time at our Halloween party!  I will upload more pics later, but these are just too hilarious not to show right off the bat.  And yes, we had a baby bat, 'til she got NEKKY!  Love you Annie!  Dove, we missed you and your mama -- hope your cough gets better soon. :(

I swear Lauren thinks I'm a terrible mom.
"Ali! he's gonna fly off the couch!"

Eve, using Gracie's wand.  Wait, where's Gracie?!

I think this is the only shot that has everyone.  Wait, where's Gracie?
Nope, not a single shot with everyone.

uh oh, where's the bee going?

nice ass shot, Nathan.  Sorry.

Couch, east side.

bee?  what bee?  I didn't see a bee.
mr. octopus is just hanging out with his paci, sans octupus costume.
picture time over.  According to Lily, anyway.
hey ladies, where you goin'? 
It's cool, I'll just hang here with my cat Sienna.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Picture Pages II

welcome to my pad, ladies!
yeah I know I have a girly pink pig, what's it to you?

nom nom nom nom
Wonder if this lady is ever gonna change my stained shirt?
those are apricots, not shit, by the way.

this thing called HAPPY HOUR is SO fun.

I feel like a pansy.  None of the other babies are strapped in, mom.

mom, couldn't you pony up and buy ziploc instead of store brand baggies?
And, are those TAMPAX?  this is so embarrassing.
I am such a badass in my boots!

Monday, October 24, 2011

motherf&^%CKING Scorpions

It's already been a productive morning in the Austin Ali house.  Who has two thumbs and can say they have spoken to the supervisor of their pest control company and set up a quality control visit, all before 8:15am on a Monday!?  THIS GIRL.

Shit went down last night.  I woke up to the sound of the alarm being disabled and the front door slamming.  I jumped out of bed and walked into the living room (sans pants).  The cats looked completely spooked, and several of the cabinets were open and random items were strewn about the countertops. 

Then, in walked Willis, who looked like he had just returned from battle.  I think there was even sweat on his brow. 

me:  "WHATTHEFVCK?  Where are they coming in!?* 
Willis [inspecting the back door, looking for what, I'm not sure]:  "I don't know man, but Daisy was right there with me." 

Willis told me this morning that he had nightmares about scorpions all night long, and said that he felt like he was living in his own worst nightmare.  So I got on the horn with the pest control peeps to make sure that the clown who was sent out here to treat our house never comes back...   

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2011 8:11 AM
To: Austin Ali
Subject: Appointment Reminder

Chem-free Organic Pest & Lawn
9475 E Highway 290
Austin, TX 78724-2303


This is a friendly reminder that one of our specialists will be visiting you soon.  Thank you for the opportunity to provide this service for you.

Please contact us if you have any questions or concerns about your upcoming visit.

Have a wonderful day!

Service Location:  [you wish you knew my address], AUSTIN  

Service:  Quality Control
Scheduled:  10/26/2011

*I just paid my handyman two hungees to replace all of the weather stripping around the doors, fill in the gaps under the sink where the pipes meet the walls, ETC. ETC. ETC.  We thought we were safe.  We were WRONG. 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Sheila Girl

This afternoon I received the following email response from Sheila Girl, who is evidently Psychic Tara's... alter ego.
From: sheila girl
Date: Sun, 23 Oct 2011 07:53:48 -0700 (PDT)
To: Austin Ali
Subject: Re: Halloween Party Booking -- October 30th 4-6pm

Hi Its Tara ..And Thank you For Hiring Me Sure Im Coming To Your Partie

Thank You Tara Im So Excited To Come The Readings I Will Be Dion Is Palm 10.00 & Tarotcards 20.00 Cash only up to 2hours anything beyond that it will 100 per hour



I asked Willis if we should be scared, and he said, "nah. I mean, what do you expect?" Good point, Willis.

I can't wait to set up her little area. I'm going to put up a room divider screen, and hang a spooky, psychic-looking sign that says "Tarot Card readings by Tara.  Enter at your own Risk!" Because I feel like "risk" should be randomly capitalized for such a thing.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


I'm dying.


From: Austin Ali
Sent: Saturday, October 22, 2011 2:22 PM
To: Lovepsychic23

Cc: Austin Ali
Subject: Halloween Party Booking -- October 30th 4-6pm

Hi Tara! 

So nice talking with you, and we are so happy that you can do the party.  I just tallied it up and there will be 17 adults (and 12 babies/kids).  My friends are so excited!

Details below:
Sunday, October 30th 4:00 pm - 6:30 pm

[address deleted for fear of stalkers]

My house is located in the [wouldn't you like to know].

Looking forward to it!  See you next Sunday!

Take care,
Austin Ali 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


um, ok.  I know I have been ignoring you, but I do not have a single second to myself*!  Keeping up with a crawling baby is BY FAR the most exhausting thing I have ever done.  Granted, I wouldn't venture to say I'm the most... ACTIVE lady out there, but GEEZ-US people.  This is crazy! 

And thank goodness I decided to at least cover the outlets considering this is what I just turned around to:

What's this? 
I'll just shove my tiny, wet fingers in those little slats to find out.

And now each time I try and put him in the shady Craigslist bouncer so that I can at least go pee clean the kitchen, he does the splits.  Like this:

get in my bouncer?  nope, not gonna do it.

The other day I got a summons from the court!  Well in reality it was just for jury duty, but I still got all nervous and sweaty-palmed opening the envelope.  I hopped online to try and find a way to weasel out of it (HELLO, I STILL BREASTFEED MY BABY PEOPLE), and it turns out it wasn't that hard.  I just had to answer a series of questions about my life.

The following question made me pause for a moment. 

huh.  Interesting you should ask.  See...

If you consider dancing around for half the day trying to keep an 8.5 month old baby constantly laughing to a never ending loop of the "Humpty Who?!" playlist in dirty yoga clothes unshowered and with day-old mascara under your eyes "of sound mind,"  then sure, mark me down as a YES.

Then the next one really got me thinking.  See, I started to feel all high and mighty that I could answer "yes" to of sound mind, but then they asked how often I cared for my child....

Dear God, I do this ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!?  I never really realized it until you put it so clearly in black and white there.  Shit, this might actually send me over the edge now that you put it THAT way, Travis county court.  Thanks a lot.

Speaking of shit, I walked in to the TV room the other day to set up Logie's play area, and saw this:

what the fuck IS that!? 

Peace out!

*total drama alert

Friday, October 14, 2011

Crazy Cat Sitter: UPDATE #3

This woman is WHACK.

She contacted me the day we were leaving for Boston (we had a new, stable cat sitter to watch the kitties who was rec'd by a friend who is very normal, fyi). 

She thought she was cat sitting for us again. I haven't talked to this lady since I asked her to leave my house over a month ago.

Email from Tam:  "Hi!  I'm excited about going to play with the kitties!  I'll send you a text when I get there.  Tam" 

My heart sank. 

I called her immediately and she picked right up, obviously under the influence of something.

me:  "TAM.  Why are you coming to my house?  We don't need you to come over.  Your job with us was done over a month ago."  And she said, "OHHHHH!!!!  It's not Septemberrrrrr."  "Right Tam.  It's October.  Do not come to my house."  "OOOOOHHHHH I'm sooooo glad you called.  I was sitting here wondering why I didn't have a key to your house [SLURRING SPEECH]." 

THEN she called me BACK to say "wow you must think I'm really weird." And started talking all of this gibberish about binders and what not, then said "did you get my card?"  "no, Tam, I didn't get your card." 

This is what she was talking about.  It was sitting in my mailbox:



Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Today Logie and I SAID NO to a last minute lakeside walk with Margot and her mom... so that I could go grocery shopping.  Can you believe!?  Normally, I would never say no to a playdate because of household duties.  But something happened last week.  Something that I can't quite shake.

Let's set the scene.  My friend Lauren* was over for a playdate close to dinnertime.  Logie was eating his prunes, her adorable baby boy Charlie was bouncing around in the shady used Craigslist bouncer, and Lauren was sitting next to us on the barstool. 

Then, out of nowhere... it happened.  In the middle of a conversation.  Just out of the blue. 

Lauren:  "So, what are you making for dinner tonight?"

:::::::::::::cue the crickets:::::::::::::

me:  "What do you mean?"
Lauren:  "What's for dinner?"
me:  "Oh.  Um, I'm not sure.  James and I haven't talked about it yet.  Wait.  Do you usually like plan out dinner and then make it?  Like ahead of time?  Or like know what you are making at the beginning of the day sort of thing?"
Lauren [looking like an alien has just descended from outer space and landed on her lap]: "Well... yeah...  Do you?"
me:  "Um.  Well.  James usually figures that out."
Lauren:  "Whoa.  Yeah, I have to do dinner every night.  Well you do the grocery shopping at least right?"

:::::::::::::cue the crickets:::::::::::::

me:  "um."

:::::::::::::cue the crickets:::::::::::::

*favorite girl name of all time; if you steal it, you're deadmeat. 

Dear Adele,

If you ever become a lez and I do too, please move to Austin and I will have your hand in marriage.  You, me and Logie will listen to your songs all day long and talk about our love for one another.  Willis might be ok with it too. 

Your future wife

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Miss me?

I'm baaaack! We had a delightful trip to Boston and Logie got to see and meet so many people! It was a whirlwind trip and we are still recovering. In case you were wondering, I'm posting this from my NEW IPAD AND KEYBOARD that Willis and Logie got me for my bday! showoff alert!

I'll post pics of our trip when I have the energy to get off the sofa, but a few highlights include (aside from the obvious fabulosity of meeting his family, my former coworkers and our friends):

- Logie's refusal to sleep in the hotel pack n play the first night and being wheeled around the lobby of the hotel at 3am... then the only thing that worked was tricking him into thinking he was in the pnp to just play with his remote (that yes I brought from home, pat on the back, major mom points)
- Logie's induction into the mile-poop-club (not one but two heinously stinky loaded diapers)
- Almost missing our flight home and using Logie as an excuse to jump an hour long security line, much to the dismay of everyone around us ("excuse us, sorry, we are following that man in the jet blue uniform, excuse us" as I wheeled logie's stroller over just about everyone's foot in line)
- Me stepping in amniotic fluid because Liz went into labor with BABY LUCY the night before we left -- NEW BABY ALERT WE ARE sooooo exciiiiiittttteeeed we can hardly contain ourselves... and yes, we witnessed her in labor for hooooours at home and it was w-i-l-d
- Eavesdropping on a conversation on the airplane that the reason why the lady was going back to Austin from Boston with her 17 month old was because she was COURT ORDERED to be there,
- And much, much more.

nap time!

ps dear willis we need to return this ipad keyboard because it won't let me type a capital s and every time I try to do a capital d it saves this as a draft

Monday, October 3, 2011

ho made it

Here's what's been going on in the Austin Ali house yesterday and today!

sooo spoooooky

We used to do this growing up as kids and I used to LOVE it.  And now that we are in the 'burbs and with a kid, I have an excuse to cheesily decorate my yard!  woot woot!

RIP, my friends:

- Barry D. Alive
- Here lies an ant named Beaker, he didn't see the bottom of the sneaker!  (this is courtesy of my brother when we were kids)
- Jake the Snake
- Sally the Scorpion
- Ricky D. Bonz
- Here lies good old Fred, a great big rock fell on his head!

In other news....

Logie bear is missing his Auntie Tyll!  They were like peas and carrots.

Off to pick up my bday Ipad present from Willis!!!!!  Willis for president!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

logie the cool dude

I am doing this new chin-up move to try and hide
DC*, who has returned due to my new hot fudge sundae habit.
 *double chin, for those of you new to the Austin Ali game.