Tuesday, December 27, 2011


As I have recently discussed, I DO have fleeting thoughts about getting k'd up again...

...But then when I think about what that really MEANS, I can't help but go back to this moment:

please note the following:
  • the blood sugar testing kit on my lap
  • the cold dishrag on my canks, since a regular washcloth wasn't big enough
  • my sweet arm braces!  (I can't remember if that was before or after I dropped the left one in the toilet then had to keep wearing it.)
  • the ice water that basically had to be sewn to my hip, HEAVEN FORBID I WAS EVER WITHOUT MY WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I hated that apartment (random thought)
no.  thank.  you.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

2 things

1.)  We are working on colors and objects with Logie.  I crack up EVERY TIME I point out his blue ball from his Gymboree set.  "Logie, there's your green ball!  Oh and there is your blue ball!"   AAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAA 

2.)  Is this not the funniest thing you have ever seen?  I thought so. 

Peace out, mofos!  

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Please forgive the formatting as I'm on le ipad... but I would like to take a moment to share what a week is like in the Austin Ali house in terms of le bebe #2 discussion. WHY DO I KEEP SAYING LE!? tool alert!

MONDAY: "why the hell would we think about EVER having another baby? People who have more than one kid are insane."

TUESDAY: "omg! Did you see the picture of Whitney's sweet new baby? omg he's so cute, and look at Elliott all cute and big-brotherly like next to him. We need to have another one like now. In fact, why aren't I pregnant?!"

WEDNESDAY: "How do people who are pregnant keep UP with babies who are crawling all over tarnation?  HOW DO THEY DO IT?! what the fVck we are never having another kid."

THURSDAY: "you're PREGNANT!!!???" (wouldn't you like to know WHO!!!!! not tellinnnnnnnnggggg) [insert envy feelings here]

FRIDAY: "I'm so happy to be able to drink wine again. I'm not getting preg for another 3 years AT LEAST."

SATURDAY: "oh, look at these little feet in Logan's home videos, ohmygod, where is the time going, ohmygod, I need another baby, ohmygod."

SUNDAY: "I have a girls weekend coming up in March, and if that gets ruined by me being preg, someone's gonna get HURT."

Thursday, December 15, 2011

A letter

Dear Logie's turds,

I'd like to have a quick word with you guys. 

You seem to be confused as to when it's ok to show up in my kid's diaper.  An example of a time that it is NOT ok to appear is like the other morning, at 4:30am.  6:15am is also an example of a time that you are not welcome in my house (or my kid's diaper). 

See, I don't really think I'd be able to sleep with a big flat mashed potato-like rock in my pants, either, so I can't blame the guy.  So this is YOUR fault, turds.  The lack of sleep I've been getting is YOUR fault (along with Sox's, but that's a whooole 'nother letter). 

Thank you for your consideration. 

-Austin Ali

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

High Five

Hello cute toddler in my kitchen, what is your name again and what have you done with my baby, Logan?

We can thank Borat for this new party trick, because all we have been saying over and over and over and over again in the Austin Ali house this week is "hey Logan!  Higha Fiva!"

I'm tired, yo.  WHERE IS ALL OF MY ENERGY!?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

oh hello.

We have returned from California (did you even KNOW I was in California!?  I feel like we don't even communicate anymore) and I will be delighted to share details of our trip once I am not completely traumatized from the flight home. ::cough cough LOGAN SCREAMED FOR HALF THE FLIGHT cough cough:: 

Oh and Patty the flight attendant, you can kiss THIS:

this is for you, Patty.  Sitting in a "no cry zone" my gnome ASS! 

  Until then, can we talk about how big this baby is getting?!   WTF. 

I'm sorry, who are you?  Have you seen my baby, Logan? 

Tonight he discovered the Christmas Tree.  I swear he understands English.  I swear.  Because I had JUST said to Willis, "dude*, can you believe he hasn't started f*cking with the tree yet, or at least his presents?"  And then just like that, he crawled over and started going to town.  Mimi and Pops sent a few more goodies, so maybe he was interested in his new loot. 


And here he is in action, futzing with the tree:

 It's our 3rd wedding anniversary tonight!  So we shall drink wine and eat pork.


*so hot and heavy in this house.  brown chicken brown cowwwwww. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Logie's New Wheels

Christmas came early for Logie today, thanks to Mimi and Pops!  He was so excited about his new ride.  18 months + you say, mr. car?  nah.  10 months will work just fine. 

fun!  for me?  I love hanging out outside.

mom, doesn't dada usually do this stuff? 

all...my...friends... knowthelowrider

not sure about this...are you sure you put it together right?
now I'm feeling fancy!  beep beep!

mom, why do you look like you're dropping a d on the
sidewalk?  you are so embarassing. 

room for my ipad

Monday, November 28, 2011


Last night after Willis and I had dinner, my face immediately turned magenta and started feeling really hot and all tight.  Like I was having some sort of reaction.

me: "Willis!  Do you see my face?  Why is it all red?  ohmygod I think I'm having some sort of an allergic reaction!"
Willis:  "It definitely looks red.  Do you have a fever?"
me:  "No.  Did you put something in the food to try and poison me?  I have a small child you know."
Willis:  "Nope.  And I didn't use any ingredients that we haven't had before.  Weird."  [totally NOT concerned] 
me:  "What if my throat starts to close?  Do you have a plan?  I won't joke around like it is closing or something because this is serious.  Will you just call 911 or try and drive me to the hospital?  What will you do with Logan, let him sleep or take the time to put him in his carseat??!  There might not be time."
Willis:  "I'll just call 911."

[30 minutes passes, and my face is still on fire and bright red]

me:  "Are you sitting there wondering why I'm not dead yet?  Like why whatever you put in my food didn't work??"
Willis:  "nope."


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Scary Duck

Someone is now TERRIFIED of taking a bath in his new duck tub. 

So we are trying to get him used to it.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Rising Star

Well, it happened.  The pivotal moment when you know that you are, in fact, an adult. 

You would think the realization occurs when you buy a house, get married or have a kid.  But it doesn't.  The only thing that really does it...

...is busting up the neighborhood high school girl's party at 12:45am on a Saturday night.

Willis told me all about it this morning, and I'm still dying over it.  Why do I find this so funny!?  Oh, because I used to be that girl (sorry again, Mimi and Pops).  And I guarantee she is shittinginherpants as we speak, totally thinking that we are going to tell her parents (we aren't).  The even FUNNIER part about all of this is that Party Girl's mother told me all about how her daughter was a "Rising Star" at the local high school, how responsible she is, and how I should get her to babysit Logan.  A few days after that conversation, Willis saw her sneaking out of her house.  h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s.  Oh, high school.  Those were the days.

Here's how it all went down.

Willis had Nathan over last night to watch "the fight" (Manny Pacquiao against Marquez*), and I guess the game didn't end until well after midnight.  Willis said after Nathan left he was watching TV, and started hearing yelling, banging and music outside.  A hullabaloo, if you will.  A brouhaha.

He walked across the street to a less-than-half-open garage, a game of beer pong, and loud music**.


[Party Girl slides underneath the garage door in .4 seconds, "like a ninja!" (Willis's words)]

Willis:  "You have two options.  Either turn down the music and close the garage door and I don't call the cops, or don't turn down the music and keep the garage door open and I DO call the cops."

Party Girl, shitting in her pants:  "No problem, we'll turn the music off."

Drunk high school punk inside garage:  "Who the hell was THAT guy?!"

Wills:  "I'm the guy that owns the house across the street.  And I'm still standing on the other side of this door, tough guy."

Oh, Willis.  You crack me up.

I was half expecting our house to be toilet papered and/or our cars to be egged, but alas, all seems to be quiet in suburbia this morning.  And I bet someone ::cough cough, Party Girl:: has a wicked hangover. 
Have fun stormin the castle, you Rising Star! 
xoxo, Willis and Austin Ali

*ew, boxing
**If I didn't have a kid I would have totally showed those punks who's boss at BP.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Sunday Bloody Sunday

This afternoon as Logie and I were at HEB picking out lean ground beef for a chili recipe I was making (total housewife SCORE), I busted a guy checking out my ass.  And I immediately thought, "oh honey.  You're looking at THIS?  It used to be a LOT better."  Then I kind of felt bad for the guy.  Like, sorry that you had to be subjected to that, dude.  I mean, I know that your eyes are just programmed to look at ANY ass that's in sight, so I'm sorry that mine had to be the one in your line of vision.  My now very large ass, looking all long and wide in my stretched-out Old Navy yoga pants that have never actually been to yoga*... sigh. 

I was laughing to Willis about it after I got home while making the chili (JUST A REMINDER, TOTAL HOUSEWIFE SCORE), and then I said, "and everyone was in the worst mood at the store tonight.  Like everyone was all in each other's way, huffing and puffing and in a hurry.  What's the rush?"  And Willis said, "it's probably because they have to work tomorrow."

And then I remembered... Sunday.  I used to HATE Sundays.  That horrendous feeling that I used to get on Sunday afternoons that would just linger into the night, getting worse the darker it got.  That nauseous, anxious feeling of impending doom that didn't go away until at least lunchtime on Monday, when I would be too busy to feel sick to my stomach anymore.  It totally sucked and I feel bad for Willis because I'm sure that is how he is feeling at this very moment.  In fact I know he is.  You can even kind of feel it in the house... that wet cloud feeling of dread. 

OMG how dramatic am I?! 

On a cuter note, check out my fave video that I can't stop playing.  Many of you have already seen it, but here it is anyway....

HAVE YOU EVER!?  me either. 

Here's another one of Logie's favorite game, called Trust Fall.  Basically you better be behind him at all times when he's standing, because chances are he's going to just... let go.  And yes, he is wearing leg warmers.

Hope nobody has a case of the Mondays!

*FYI I have been to yoga, just not these specific pants.  You know, since I know you were worried about it. 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Picture Pages III

damnit Logie, lay still!  mama wants to get cozy!

This bandaid was fished out of the BACK OF LOGAN'S THROAT.
I lost 18 years of my life from stress when I made this discovery at the
checkout line of HEB.  And yes, it was his, thank bejeezus.
Dr. Kahn loved his pumpkin!  We heart Dr. Kahn.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Herding Babies

Had a fabulous time at our Halloween party!  I will upload more pics later, but these are just too hilarious not to show right off the bat.  And yes, we had a baby bat, 'til she got NEKKY!  Love you Annie!  Dove, we missed you and your mama -- hope your cough gets better soon. :(

I swear Lauren thinks I'm a terrible mom.
"Ali! he's gonna fly off the couch!"

Eve, using Gracie's wand.  Wait, where's Gracie?!

I think this is the only shot that has everyone.  Wait, where's Gracie?
Nope, not a single shot with everyone.

uh oh, where's the bee going?

nice ass shot, Nathan.  Sorry.

Couch, east side.

bee?  what bee?  I didn't see a bee.
mr. octopus is just hanging out with his paci, sans octupus costume.
picture time over.  According to Lily, anyway.
hey ladies, where you goin'? 
It's cool, I'll just hang here with my cat Sienna.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Picture Pages II

welcome to my pad, ladies!
yeah I know I have a girly pink pig, what's it to you?

nom nom nom nom
Wonder if this lady is ever gonna change my stained shirt?
those are apricots, not shit, by the way.

this thing called HAPPY HOUR is SO fun.

I feel like a pansy.  None of the other babies are strapped in, mom.

mom, couldn't you pony up and buy ziploc instead of store brand baggies?
And, are those TAMPAX?  this is so embarrassing.
I am such a badass in my boots!

Monday, October 24, 2011

motherf&^%CKING Scorpions

It's already been a productive morning in the Austin Ali house.  Who has two thumbs and can say they have spoken to the supervisor of their pest control company and set up a quality control visit, all before 8:15am on a Monday!?  THIS GIRL.

Shit went down last night.  I woke up to the sound of the alarm being disabled and the front door slamming.  I jumped out of bed and walked into the living room (sans pants).  The cats looked completely spooked, and several of the cabinets were open and random items were strewn about the countertops. 

Then, in walked Willis, who looked like he had just returned from battle.  I think there was even sweat on his brow. 

me:  "WHATTHEFVCK?  Where are they coming in!?* 
Willis [inspecting the back door, looking for what, I'm not sure]:  "I don't know man, but Daisy was right there with me." 

Willis told me this morning that he had nightmares about scorpions all night long, and said that he felt like he was living in his own worst nightmare.  So I got on the horn with the pest control peeps to make sure that the clown who was sent out here to treat our house never comes back...   

-----Original Message-----
From: chemfree@chemfreepestandlawn.com
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2011 8:11 AM
To: Austin Ali
Subject: Appointment Reminder

Chem-free Organic Pest & Lawn
9475 E Highway 290
Austin, TX 78724-2303


This is a friendly reminder that one of our specialists will be visiting you soon.  Thank you for the opportunity to provide this service for you.

Please contact us if you have any questions or concerns about your upcoming visit.

Have a wonderful day!

Service Location:  [you wish you knew my address], AUSTIN  

Service:  Quality Control
Scheduled:  10/26/2011

*I just paid my handyman two hungees to replace all of the weather stripping around the doors, fill in the gaps under the sink where the pipes meet the walls, ETC. ETC. ETC.  We thought we were safe.  We were WRONG. 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Sheila Girl

This afternoon I received the following email response from Sheila Girl, who is evidently Psychic Tara's... alter ego.
From: sheila girl
Date: Sun, 23 Oct 2011 07:53:48 -0700 (PDT)
To: Austin Ali
Subject: Re: Halloween Party Booking -- October 30th 4-6pm

Hi Its Tara ..And Thank you For Hiring Me Sure Im Coming To Your Partie

Thank You Tara Im So Excited To Come The Readings I Will Be Dion Is Palm 10.00 & Tarotcards 20.00 Cash only up to 2hours anything beyond that it will 100 per hour



I asked Willis if we should be scared, and he said, "nah. I mean, what do you expect?" Good point, Willis.

I can't wait to set up her little area. I'm going to put up a room divider screen, and hang a spooky, psychic-looking sign that says "Tarot Card readings by Tara.  Enter at your own Risk!" Because I feel like "risk" should be randomly capitalized for such a thing.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


I'm dying.


From: Austin Ali
Sent: Saturday, October 22, 2011 2:22 PM
To: Lovepsychic23

Cc: Austin Ali
Subject: Halloween Party Booking -- October 30th 4-6pm

Hi Tara! 

So nice talking with you, and we are so happy that you can do the party.  I just tallied it up and there will be 17 adults (and 12 babies/kids).  My friends are so excited!

Details below:
Sunday, October 30th 4:00 pm - 6:30 pm

[address deleted for fear of stalkers]

My house is located in the [wouldn't you like to know].

Looking forward to it!  See you next Sunday!

Take care,
Austin Ali 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


um, ok.  I know I have been ignoring you, but I do not have a single second to myself*!  Keeping up with a crawling baby is BY FAR the most exhausting thing I have ever done.  Granted, I wouldn't venture to say I'm the most... ACTIVE lady out there, but GEEZ-US people.  This is crazy! 

And thank goodness I decided to at least cover the outlets considering this is what I just turned around to:

What's this? 
I'll just shove my tiny, wet fingers in those little slats to find out.

And now each time I try and put him in the shady Craigslist bouncer so that I can at least go pee clean the kitchen, he does the splits.  Like this:

get in my bouncer?  nope, not gonna do it.

The other day I got a summons from the court!  Well in reality it was just for jury duty, but I still got all nervous and sweaty-palmed opening the envelope.  I hopped online to try and find a way to weasel out of it (HELLO, I STILL BREASTFEED MY BABY PEOPLE), and it turns out it wasn't that hard.  I just had to answer a series of questions about my life.

The following question made me pause for a moment. 

huh.  Interesting you should ask.  See...

If you consider dancing around for half the day trying to keep an 8.5 month old baby constantly laughing to a never ending loop of the "Humpty Who?!" playlist in dirty yoga clothes unshowered and with day-old mascara under your eyes "of sound mind,"  then sure, mark me down as a YES.

Then the next one really got me thinking.  See, I started to feel all high and mighty that I could answer "yes" to of sound mind, but then they asked how often I cared for my child....

Dear God, I do this ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!?  I never really realized it until you put it so clearly in black and white there.  Shit, this might actually send me over the edge now that you put it THAT way, Travis county court.  Thanks a lot.

Speaking of shit, I walked in to the TV room the other day to set up Logie's play area, and saw this:

what the fuck IS that!? 

Peace out!

*total drama alert

Friday, October 14, 2011

Crazy Cat Sitter: UPDATE #3

This woman is WHACK.

She contacted me the day we were leaving for Boston (we had a new, stable cat sitter to watch the kitties who was rec'd by a friend who is very normal, fyi). 

She thought she was cat sitting for us again. I haven't talked to this lady since I asked her to leave my house over a month ago.

Email from Tam:  "Hi!  I'm excited about going to play with the kitties!  I'll send you a text when I get there.  Tam" 

My heart sank. 

I called her immediately and she picked right up, obviously under the influence of something.

me:  "TAM.  Why are you coming to my house?  We don't need you to come over.  Your job with us was done over a month ago."  And she said, "OHHHHH!!!!  It's not Septemberrrrrr."  "Right Tam.  It's October.  Do not come to my house."  "OOOOOHHHHH I'm sooooo glad you called.  I was sitting here wondering why I didn't have a key to your house [SLURRING SPEECH]." 

THEN she called me BACK to say "wow you must think I'm really weird." And started talking all of this gibberish about binders and what not, then said "did you get my card?"  "no, Tam, I didn't get your card." 

This is what she was talking about.  It was sitting in my mailbox:



Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Today Logie and I SAID NO to a last minute lakeside walk with Margot and her mom... so that I could go grocery shopping.  Can you believe!?  Normally, I would never say no to a playdate because of household duties.  But something happened last week.  Something that I can't quite shake.

Let's set the scene.  My friend Lauren* was over for a playdate close to dinnertime.  Logie was eating his prunes, her adorable baby boy Charlie was bouncing around in the shady used Craigslist bouncer, and Lauren was sitting next to us on the barstool. 

Then, out of nowhere... it happened.  In the middle of a conversation.  Just out of the blue. 

Lauren:  "So, what are you making for dinner tonight?"

:::::::::::::cue the crickets:::::::::::::

me:  "What do you mean?"
Lauren:  "What's for dinner?"
me:  "Oh.  Um, I'm not sure.  James and I haven't talked about it yet.  Wait.  Do you usually like plan out dinner and then make it?  Like ahead of time?  Or like know what you are making at the beginning of the day sort of thing?"
Lauren [looking like an alien has just descended from outer space and landed on her lap]: "Well... yeah...  Do you?"
me:  "Um.  Well.  James usually figures that out."
Lauren:  "Whoa.  Yeah, I have to do dinner every night.  Well you do the grocery shopping at least right?"

:::::::::::::cue the crickets:::::::::::::

me:  "um."

:::::::::::::cue the crickets:::::::::::::

*favorite girl name of all time; if you steal it, you're deadmeat. 

Dear Adele,

If you ever become a lez and I do too, please move to Austin and I will have your hand in marriage.  You, me and Logie will listen to your songs all day long and talk about our love for one another.  Willis might be ok with it too. 

Your future wife

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Miss me?

I'm baaaack! We had a delightful trip to Boston and Logie got to see and meet so many people! It was a whirlwind trip and we are still recovering. In case you were wondering, I'm posting this from my NEW IPAD AND KEYBOARD that Willis and Logie got me for my bday! showoff alert!

I'll post pics of our trip when I have the energy to get off the sofa, but a few highlights include (aside from the obvious fabulosity of meeting his family, my former coworkers and our friends):

- Logie's refusal to sleep in the hotel pack n play the first night and being wheeled around the lobby of the hotel at 3am... then the only thing that worked was tricking him into thinking he was in the pnp to just play with his remote (that yes I brought from home, pat on the back, major mom points)
- Logie's induction into the mile-poop-club (not one but two heinously stinky loaded diapers)
- Almost missing our flight home and using Logie as an excuse to jump an hour long security line, much to the dismay of everyone around us ("excuse us, sorry, we are following that man in the jet blue uniform, excuse us" as I wheeled logie's stroller over just about everyone's foot in line)
- Me stepping in amniotic fluid because Liz went into labor with BABY LUCY the night before we left -- NEW BABY ALERT WE ARE sooooo exciiiiiittttteeeed we can hardly contain ourselves... and yes, we witnessed her in labor for hooooours at home and it was w-i-l-d
- Eavesdropping on a conversation on the airplane that the reason why the lady was going back to Austin from Boston with her 17 month old was because she was COURT ORDERED to be there,
- And much, much more.

nap time!

ps dear willis we need to return this ipad keyboard because it won't let me type a capital s and every time I try to do a capital d it saves this as a draft

Monday, October 3, 2011

ho made it

Here's what's been going on in the Austin Ali house yesterday and today!

sooo spoooooky

We used to do this growing up as kids and I used to LOVE it.  And now that we are in the 'burbs and with a kid, I have an excuse to cheesily decorate my yard!  woot woot!

RIP, my friends:

- Barry D. Alive
- Here lies an ant named Beaker, he didn't see the bottom of the sneaker!  (this is courtesy of my brother when we were kids)
- Jake the Snake
- Sally the Scorpion
- Ricky D. Bonz
- Here lies good old Fred, a great big rock fell on his head!

In other news....

Logie bear is missing his Auntie Tyll!  They were like peas and carrots.

Off to pick up my bday Ipad present from Willis!!!!!  Willis for president!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

logie the cool dude

I am doing this new chin-up move to try and hide
DC*, who has returned due to my new hot fudge sundae habit.
 *double chin, for those of you new to the Austin Ali game.