Sunday, August 28, 2011


So, I'm perusing CL looking for some barstools, and I happen upon this little gem.  IS THIS FOR REAL?  I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE LIVING WITH THIS PERSON?!

I can't even handle it.  I think I just want to respond and say, "you are the most anal person I have ever seen place a CL ad."

Used Bar Stools -- WOW! - $25 (KYLE, TX)

Date: 2011-08-27, 8:13AM CDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

As long as you see this post this item is still for sale - I will delete the post when sold.
Two used bar stools - Price is $25 for both barstools

Sitting surface is 24 inches from floor
Top of chair back is 42 inches from floor


To purchase this item you will need to do the following - reply to this post and change the subject to "I want the $25 bar stools". I will not respond to any email that does not have the correct subject line - blame this goofiness on spammers. Once I see your email I will respond with my address. When I send you my address I will start a countdown of 2hrs and 15min.  If you do not pay for and pick up the bar stools in 2hrs and 15min I will contact the next person in line and you are out of luck. I hate that I have to do this but sometimes people do not show up.

Please note the following:
I ONLY ACCEPT CASH -- no checks or trades
I will not help you load the bar stools into your vehicleI will not hold the bar stools for you, even if you offer more $$$



Yesterday I went to an estate sale to continue my never ending quest for an antique four poster bed.  I found the whole experience quite grim... pilfering through a dead person's things and all... and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

When I was leaving, there was a sad looking old man wearing overalls on the front porch, just sitting on the stoop.  Naturally, I decided to talk to him.

me:  "Oh, is this your house?"
sad looking old man wearing overalls:  [nods head yes]
me:  "Oh, I'm so sorry sir.  It must be really hard to see strangers going through all of your belongings like that.  And I'm sorry about your wife."
sad looking old man wearing overalls [SHOUTING because he is obviously hard of hearing]:  MA WAAFE IS JUST TAKIN' A LONG TIME SHOPPIN.'  I'M JUST A'WAITIN' HERE FOR HER."

Can you say ASS?

Our neighbor's kid knocked on the door yesterday afternoon selling discount cards ("Would you like to buy a Tiger card?"  "Would I ever!!")  to local restaurants and the like that I'm sure we'll never use.  Thankfully I answered the door, because I'm quite certain Willis would've told him to take a hike.  Anyway, after I handed the kid $10 (from Willis's wallet), he said, "thanks.  You'll have the card on Monday probably."  So, as a joke, I stuck my finger out and said, all serious-like, "WE BETTER."  This poor kid looked like he had seen a ghost... HE WAS TERRIFIED. 

I felt terrible!!  I started laughing and said, "ohmygosh I'm totally kidding!  I don't care when we get the card.  Don't worry."  And he sort of half laughed and high tailed it home.  Turns out, 3rd graders don't really get my sense of humor.


my cuddlebug

thanks for the prune juice mom, I feel lots better now.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Pen pal

Logie received a nice letter from his pen pal in Boston (Nat Nat) the other day. 

He just mailed back a postcard with a nice, appropriate-for-a-second-grader response, but later he told me what he really wanted to write.

Dear Natalie,
Thank you for sharing that you are having what I consider to be near perfect weather in Massachusetts.  I appreciate you asking about our weather in Texas, too.  In Austin, the weather is what you call hotter than balls.  Have you ever heard that expression?  If not, let me take a moment to explain.  Basically you start sweating the second you step outside, and it's hard to breathe.  Swass, or SWAMP-ASS, is common.  Rain is nonexistent, and if you were to throw a lit match out your window, you would likely burn down 3/4 of the city within an hour.
My mom and dad have decided they want to move back to Boston, so I might be seeing you in a few years on more of a regular basis.
And sorry to hear that you can't use your kitchen because of the construction.  My mom rarely uses our kitchen, but it seems to be in fine working order to me. 



Monday, August 22, 2011

Wood Glue

DISCLAIMER:  For those of you who would rather not read intricate details about my kid's latest #2 diaper [Liz O and Kari C], check back tomorrow.

For the rest of you still here [hi Roomie!  hi Liz V!  hi Cath!  hi Lise!], we just had a POOP SITUATION in the Austin Ali house. 

I think it's best if I don't try to recreate the wheel all over, so I'll just share with you the Skype conversation that just occurred between Willis and me.  Please note Logie's been workin on this one for a few days now. 

[1:48:59 PM] Willis:  WHAT!
[1:49:08 PM] Willis:  Did you take a picture?
[1:50:17 PM] Austin Ali:  NO!
[1:50:19 PM] Austin Ali:  i know
[1:50:22 PM] Austin Ali:  it wasn't like a turd
[1:50:38 PM] Willis:  just lumpy?
[1:50:43 PM] Austin Ali:  it was more like the consistency of wood glue that was kind of half dried
[1:50:59 PM] Willis:  wow
[1:51:01 PM] Austin Ali:  no more like melted taffy with specs like you would find in teriyaki marinade
[1:51:09 PM] Willis:  was he really happy to be done with it?
[1:51:18 PM] Austin Ali:  he seemed cool about it
[1:51:26 PM] Willis:  (whew)
[1:51:33 PM] Austin Ali:  it like stuck to his back for like an inch
[1:51:37 PM] Austin Ali:  like gum
[1:51:40 PM] Austin Ali:  in a lot of places

Saturday, August 20, 2011


I'm certain Willis would disagree, but I G E N E R A L L Y* don't nag him about his golf addiction hobby.  But there are some days where I just don't... get it.  I mean, as much as I find chasing a dented ball around miles of grass in search of a tiny hole that you can't even see 18 different times over the course of an entire day enjoyable, isn't it ever just too hot or too early? 

Evidently, it isn't.  For example, here is the weather forecast for today:  "Sunny. Very hot. High 104F. Winds S at 10 to 20 mph." 104!?  They might as well have just said, "stay inside."  Don't mind if I do.

And here is a snippet of the conversation that occurred in my house a few hours ago.

me (moaning and hiding under the covers, trying to ignore LogieBear who is cooing in his crib, wide awake and ready to play): "GAH!  I have been up since FOUR AM because Logie was grunting in his sleep AND THEN got up at 5 to eat, and I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!!!"
Willis:  "I'll watch him so you can sleep until I need to leave.  Do you want me to bring you breakfast?**  I'll be back in around 8." 
me [now able to FLY out of bed with this information, shouting out the bedroom door]:  "Eight?  Isn't your tee time at TEN FIFTEEN???  HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET THERE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Willis:  "It is up by Ikea, PLUS another 5 minutes!  It will take a while."
Willis:  "Fine!  Eight fifteen!"


1. In most cases; usually.
2. In general terms; without regard to particulars or exceptions
**yes I am aware I am a complete brat.  thanks. 
***yes I am also aware you refer to a golf "game" as a ROUND, as Willis always points out.

Friday, August 19, 2011

debbie d

Aside from the obvious places (mortuaries, funeral homes, etc.), there are few locations on this earth that I find incredibly depressing. 

5.  Radio Shack.  Have you ever been in one that isn't grim? 
4.  Office Max.  I don't know -- this one just gets me every time.  Is it the lighting?
3.  Movie theatres*.  It's not like I don't appreciate a good movie every now and again, and as much as I find sitting in a dark room surrounded by strangers while staring at a wall for 2 hours fun, I always think of other things I c/s/would be doing.  Like sleeping.  I feel like it's a place you go if you have nothing else going on.  No other options.
2.  Blockbuster. (see the latter half of #3)

and the most depressing place of all time, imho...

1. THE FOOD COURT AT THE MALL.  (see the latter half of #3)  I mean really... is there any place more depressing than this place?  I want to know if there is.  Tell me...

...except... I changed the settings so it's a lot harder to make a "comment" now on Austin Ali... 'cause some weirdo went and ruined it for everyone.  Anonymous, you know who you are... you douche canoe!  Why don't you go and hang out at the mall food court some more.  You sort of give me the WILLIES. 

*Willis will disagree wholeheartedly with me on this one.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Urgent, Breaking News Alert

I had to share the following before I forget. 

Last night I had a dream that Willis and I were out celebrating New Year's Eve, and were sporting cocktail attire. 

Everyone was wearing sequined dresses, and I was feeling HOT -- in my black patent leather heels, and...

this was taken 2 months ago. 
we have totally ditched the paci, thank you very much
(taking a bow)

...this onesie.

YEP, in my dream I was wearing the "I was worth the wait" onesie, black patent leather heels, and nothing else.

That is all!

Picture Pages

Picture Pages: "Picture Pages, Picture Pages,Time to get your Picture Pages,Time to get your crayons and your pencils..."


We are all about home improvement!  And by all about home improvement, I gave a guy a list with little post-it notes all over to let him know what to improve.  Duane for president!  I think I have asked him 743 times this morning, "[insert item that needs to be fixed] - do you do that?" to which Duane replies, "yes.  This is what I do."  Willis is feeling all handy because he got to go to Lowe's and buy trim, THEN ask to get it cut in half. 

Careful up there, Duane.

In other I-am-actually-capable-of-doing-things-myself-news, I've been painting our bedroom doors black!  Well it's not ACTUALLY black, I think the color is Ben Moore Dragon's Tit or something or other.  Anyway, I'm kind of excited about the turnout!  And, in Willis-is-super-handy news, he has installed his first door handle!!  He also painted 99.999% of the room, even though it was my project.  Lots of big things going on around the Austin Ali house.

wonder if I'll ever hang that picture.

OH!  Rug came last night!  It just so happened to be delivered right in the middle of Bossman's visit*, so I made him help Willis move furniture around to get it in the right spot.  He was really excited to help. 

I either love it or it makes me completely nauseous. 
Time will tell.

I sent a pic to Tyll who wrote back "Chris said Charlie Brown called he wants his shirt back" to which I unoriginally replied, "tell Chris the asshole store called - they're running out of him."

Speaking of Bossman, PRANK WAR CONTINUES, AND I'M IN FIRST PLACE!  Marty Feldman strikes again!  For those of you new the Austin Ali game, here's a little background on the prank war between the Bossman and me:

I am now BFF with Stephane, concierge at the Four Seasons.

From: Austin Ali
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 4:31 PM
To: ''
Subject: Printing for guest


I just called and spoke with you regarding printing something for my former boss, Bossman, who will be staying at your hotel tomorrow evening. 

Could you please print out the attached in color, and leave it somewhere visible in his room?  Hanging on the bathroom mirror would be ideal, but I understand if you aren’t able to do that.

He is arriving at your hotel around noon-1pm tomorrow, and I plan to pick him up around 3pm.  Is there any way to get this in his room before he checks in? 

Appreciate your help!  Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any questions.  Also, if you wouldn’t mind, could you please let me know you received this request? 

Best regards,
Austin Ali

PS – he will think this is hilarious, I promise! 

Stephane totally came through! 

From: Concierge Austin []
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 5:56 PM
To: Austin Ali

Subject: The Four Seasons Hotel Austin Texas

Dear Austin Ali,

I have received and printed the photo (quite a shocker to find in a Four Seasons bathroom, lol). We are sold out tonight. Our normal check in is 3PM, but I have left a note for the Front Desk and our AM Concierge to follow up with and we will do out best to find a room ready by 12PM-1PM. Even if Mr. Bossman was to arrive before any rooms are ready, we may be able to "slow" his check in until the picture is in the room. Worse case scenario, an envelope containing the picture would be delivered shortly after he checks in.

I hope we can help you make him laugh!

Best regards,

Concierge Department
Four Seasons Hotel Austin

A few hours after he checked in, I received the following email from Bossman:

 -----Original Message-----
From: Bossman
Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2011 2:15 PM
To: Austin Ali

Subject: IMG-20110817-00067.jpg

You have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!


I couldn't believe it took him that long to find it! I was just itchy waiting for him to comment, but I didn't blow my cover and just patiently waited for the reaction. 

-----Original Message-----
From: Austin Ali
To: Bossman

Subject: Re: IMG-20110817-00067.jpg
Sent: Aug 17, 2011 2:16 PM

It took you that long to pee?  You must be really dehydrated
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Bossman and Logiebear were peas and carrots!
This was such a cute moment until Logie made a big pant load.

And last but not least, Logie wanted to show you all his new fave yoga pose.  He esp likes to do it when his mama is watching her DVR'd Bravo shows.

namaste Logan
Peace out MOFOS!

*Bossman came all the way from Boston to see us!  No, not really.  He had meetings here, but OF COURSE made it his top priority to see his favorite former assistant of all time.  No offense everyone else. 

Sunday, August 14, 2011


To:  Logie Bear
From:  Your mom
CC:  Willis
Date:  August 14, 2011
Subject:  Wake up time

This is just a reminder that in the Austin Ali house, we don't wake up at 5:55am (unless we have a plane to catch or the house is on fire).  If we are really hungry, it is acceptable to get up and grab a quick bite to tide us over until normal people hours, but if we MUST do this, it's important to note that we go right back to sleep after our snack.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.  

Friday, August 12, 2011

Willis has a HAT!

He's trying to act all nonchalant about THIS NEW HAT, but it's pretty funny.  Hat came while he was away... so of course I busted right into the box, thinking I maybe ordered some awesome shoes the other night when Kimmy and I had a date* and had just forgotten.  Turns out I was wrong.


A certain someone had to go "run an errand" as soon as he got home.  So he could wear his hat.  We all know what your gig is, Willis.  Give it up.  But thanks for the wine, I totally needed it, so sorry I'm busting on you right now... in your hat... And sorry I keep calling you Malcolm X. 

The funniest part to me about this whole thing is THIS.  ALL OF A SUDDEN, Hat makes it into the every day rotation!  Just like that.  Watch, ring, wallet, HAT. Like it's been a part of our lives forever.  

Don't worry, Willis, we took your little hat for a test drive while you were away to make sure it was up to par...

Yeah, so... my mom is in half-pjs-half-real-clothes... so what?
I'm wearing MY DADS NEW HAT.

*Willis was totally responsible that night, all looking after Logiebear.  Girl needs a BREAK every now and again, am I right or am I right


I can't even deal. 

I'm in the process of sanitizing this thing, but I really don't think I'm gonna be able to bite the bullet and let the Logster gom all over it...
can you see any cooties?

Austin drought and energy crisis, I apologize, but...

that's NOT 3 minutes 13 seconds, to be clear.  EXTRA HOT.

But if you think about it, how much worse could this metal contraption really be, than say, Rocky?  Let me explain.  I was putting Logie Bear down for his afternoon nap, and as he was sucking on Rocky's head, I couldn't help but notice that Rocky was sporting a new mole that hadn't been there before.  Which happened, of course, to be dried shit. 


it was all dried and hard, indicating it had most likely been there
for DAYS.

Soooo Rocky's taking a dip with Mr. Jumparoo seat (name TBD IF we keep him) as we speak, while Mr. Monkey pinch hits for nap time:

bath time

stop judging - yes my 6+ month old still naps in a swing
but we all have our vices, don't we?

ALL I CAN SAY IS.......................

Do you think the other wives in the neighborhood do this when their husbands
return from business trips?
I wonder if this is even allowed with the HOA.  Looks so... homemade.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


"but I don't LIKE it when you wipe my face off!"

"oh, I'm not supposed to riverdance in that puddle of shit under my exersaucer?
Sorry bout that."

"nope.  not gonna do it."

"waaaaah!  I miss daddy!  I don't care if you've fed me/changed me/rocked me/
changed my bed/begged me -- I'm still gonna cry at 3 am!  waaaaah!"

"thanks for adding those vitamins mom.  mmmmm."

"how'd I end up at this nut house anyway?"

you can never be too careful.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I'm totally scared!

To all of you burglars planning on breaking in while Willis is away, know this -- THE ALARM IS SET FOR NO DELAY.  The problem is I'm not so much worried about a rando burglar off the street as I am about Roger from Guardian Alarms breaking into my house as retaliation for the negative review I left about his installation services.  And by negative review, I mean the proactive steps I took to complain about him.  Dude left a MESS!  I almost didn't say anything, but I  Piles of wood shavings, dents in doors, screens hanging out of the windows, you name it.  Perhaps you'd just like to see for yourself.  And yes, I am aware of "how I am." 
From: Austin Ali
Sent: Friday, August 05, 2011 10:35 AM
To: Matt at Guardian
Subject: Installation Issues

Hello Matt,

Thanks for speaking with me the other day, and sorry for the delay in sending pictures.

I really hesitated to make a complaint because I really don’t want to get anyone in trouble, but I KEEP finding things around my house.  I just felt like I should let someone know so that perhaps you can remind the workers installing your alarms to please clean up after themselves.  (Not to mention the guy knows where I live and how to disable my alarm!)  I have a baby and 2 cats, and have been worried that they are going to come across these little cut wires that I keep finding all over my house.

Here are the installation issues.
  • Caused a gash/dent in the bedroom closet door that I am 100% positive was not there before.  We had just had the house inspected and it was not there prior to this installation.
  • Caused a scratch on 2 windowsills (see above).
  • Moved baskets, etc. out of the bedroom closet and did not put anything back.  Left trash in the closet.  Also left materials behind in the closet and had to come back the next day to pick them up.
  • Left ½ inch clippings of red, white and black cut wires on EVERY windowsill, the floor by the windowsill, outside the windows, etc.  I have probably picked up ~40 of these since he was here.  I keep finding them. 
  • Left wood chippings/shavings on every windowsill, floor and in the garage (huge pile of shavings in my garage).
  • Left screens hanging out of windows.
  • Did not leave window stickers for us.
Attached are a few pictures as you requested.  I cleaned up the majority of the mess before calling you, but an example of what I keep finding is attached above.  I know that you offered us free installation as part of our sales package, but at this rate I would have much preferred to pay someone if it meant I wouldn’t have had to deal with this mess! 

Austin Ali
Now I'm completely sorry I complained, because I'm terrified Roger is going to plant dynamite in my backyard or something!  I'M SCARED! 

Do you think Roger is going to retaliate? 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

WE MISS WILLIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Missing Person

Last night as I was emailing someone from Craigslist* about their jumparoo** I said to Willis "do you think this is a bad idea since you're leaving for California tomorrow?  For me to meet this total stranger when nobody knows where I'm going?  Like isn't this what the Craigslist killer did?" 
Willis:  "nah.  The Craigslist killer did it the other way around.  But maybe you should wait til I get back." 
me:  "Do you think it's weird that I don't trust anyone?  Like do you think I'm overly paranoid?" 
Willis:  "You are definitely a paranoid person.  But, you do trust people.  You just happen to only trust homeless people." 

So -- if you never hear from me again, I was last seen on 51st and Lamar after corresponding with a person whose email begins with "love mickey" -- I hope they mean Mickey Mouse, and not like an AK47 they nicknamed Mickey.... 

From: lovemickey98
Sent: Monday, August 08, 2011 9:53 PM
To: Ali
Subject: RE: Baby Einstein Jumper/Entertainer - $30 (Georgetown/Austin)

Would you meet there at 51st and lamar? I only Have a 30 min lunch and can't meet after work since I have to pick up my daughter from daycare.
Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

To purchase this item:

do you think there are bed bugs in those curtains?

*Willis really doesn't want to buy a used baby item, but I can't deal with spending another hungee on another not-needed baby item.  He's mainly worried about previous stranger-baby diaper blowouts, but I reminded him he paid extra for the sanitize option on the washing machine.

**I looked around my house and realized that what I could really use was more huge, plastic, baby shit made in China.

Monday, August 8, 2011


This morning as Willis and I were on our way to Logie's orthopedist follow-up*, he (Willis, not Logie) turned to me and said, "SICK!  WHAT IS THAT SMELL?  IS THAT LOGIE'S ASS?"  Logie was just squealing away, having a blast with Mr. Monkey and Elmo as we drove down I-35**, innocent as can be.

me:  "No way is that Logie.  No way.  That is repulsive." 
Willis:  "Well it could be, after what his diaper was like last night."
me:  "Sick.  But doesn't it just make you want to smell it again, kind of, like in a sick sort of way?"
Willis:  "Yes."

Turns out it wasn't Logie, it was just:

even the driver looked like he was holding his nose.

See, last night we finally found out what all of our friends had warned us about when your kid starts solid foods.  And since I know that you all want to hear about my kid's diaper....  IT.WAS.LIKE.NOTHING.I.HAVE.EVER.SMELLED.IN.MY.ENTIRE.EXISTANCE.ON.THIS.EARTH. 

Speaking of disgusting, I was cleaning last night*** and found a scorpion, very alive, in my living room.  Willis again tried to pull his "get me a piece of paper so I can scoop it up" move, but I wasn't having any of it and started screaming "just kill it!!! stomp it!!!!!"  So, he did.  It took like 8 stomps.
action shot.
Oh, how's Logie doing with solids? 


*A+ report card for his little hips!  We heart Dr. Kahn!
**Ugliest, most depressing highway in the universe. 
***no really, I was! 

Friday, August 5, 2011

Diaper Marketing

As I have said in the past, I am not a marketing guru.  I wasn't schooled in the subject, and I haven't even really read that much about it.  And by haven't really read that much about it, I mean I haven't read anything on the subject ever.  That said, I think these diaper companies are missing the target. 

I have an idea. 

Logie is only the cutest foot model on THIS EARTH

Huggies*, I can appreciate that you think your audience responds to cartoon characters... namely Mickey / Disney.  But the thing is, my kid can't see what's on his diaper.  And if he could, he's too young to give a shit (pun intended).  I'm the one who soaks in these images hour after hour, day after day. 

Perhaps your sales would get a little boost if you used some... I dunno... DIFFERENT types of pictures on your diapers instead of a cartoon character that -- as we all know -- is majorly overplayed. 

What about....
hi ryan

hey albie
OR even

It could be an assorted-hot-guy-diaper-grab-bag!  Like a hot-guy-surprise every time your kid takes a shit!  Genious.

Speaking of geniuses, LOGAN STARTED SOLIDS!  It was so hilarious.  He loved it!  I think he was starving. 

This solids business was a good example of the different parenting styles that exist in the Austin Ali house.  Willis was very methodical about feeding Logie; giving him small bites with the spoon, being the one feeding him, etc.  Responsible.  I on the other hand basically gave Logie the bowl and spoon and told him to have at it.  Rice cereal was flying all over the playroom by the end of my turn....

Next stop, sweet potato! 

*After being loyal Pampers Swaddlers Sensitive consumers, we are currently testing out Huggies brand due to the increased number of diaper blowouts.  I know you are interested. 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I am saving so much money

Willis told me I could get my rug that I've been eyeing... and I saved 20%!  I am so thrifty!!!

How awesome is this rug, anyway?  It'll be here in a week!