Yesterday

Yesterday I went to an estate sale to continue my never ending quest for an antique four poster bed.  I found the whole experience quite grim... pilfering through a dead person's things and all... and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

When I was leaving, there was a sad looking old man wearing overalls on the front porch, just sitting on the stoop.  Naturally, I decided to talk to him.

me:  "Oh, is this your house?"
sad looking old man wearing overalls:  [nods head yes]
me:  "Oh, I'm so sorry sir.  It must be really hard to see strangers going through all of your belongings like that.  And I'm sorry about your wife."
sad looking old man wearing overalls [SHOUTING because he is obviously hard of hearing]:  MA WAAFE IS JUST TAKIN' A LONG TIME SHOPPIN.'  I'M JUST A'WAITIN' HERE FOR HER."

Can you say ASS?
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Our neighbor's kid knocked on the door yesterday afternoon selling discount cards ("Would you like to buy a Tiger card?"  "Would I ever!!")  to local restaurants and the like that I'm sure we'll never use.  Thankfully I answered the door, because I'm quite certain Willis would've told him to take a hike.  Anyway, after I handed the kid $10 (from Willis's wallet), he said, "thanks.  You'll have the card on Monday probably."  So, as a joke, I stuck my finger out and said, all serious-like, "WE BETTER."  This poor kid looked like he had seen a ghost... HE WAS TERRIFIED. 

I felt terrible!!  I started laughing and said, "ohmygosh I'm totally kidding!  I don't care when we get the card.  Don't worry."  And he sort of half laughed and high tailed it home.  Turns out, 3rd graders don't really get my sense of humor.

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my cuddlebug

thanks for the prune juice mom, I feel lots better now.

SCORPION

How was your Saturday night?  That's good.  Oh, my Saturday night?  Traumatic is the word that comes to mind.  That's because a SCORPION decided that he wanted to come in from the cold and scare the shit out of me and almost eat my cat.  Yes, a scorpion. 

This is a picture of Willis after he captured the scorpion. 
We are actually living in a Four Runner down by the river.

I was about to fill up my huge trucker mug full of ice water and head to bed (it was 9pm) when I noticed that Sox was very interested in the front door area.  Like on high alert.  He was jumping up a little and pouncing down - sort of like a pony that's excited.  Then I noticed this THING sliver past him.  Apparently I shouted, "oh my god it's a centipede!  OH MY GOD NO IT'S A F*CKING SCORPION!  A SCORPION!!!!!" before I grabbed Sox by the tail, slung him over my shoulder, ran to the bedroom and slammed the door.  Fight or flight, baby.  Let's discuss the fact that I left Daisy there to fend for herself another day. 

As soon as I got inside the bedroom I heard Willis say, "it's ok, I have him trapped under this cup, don't worry" which really surprised me because if it had been any other stinging insect, Willis would have pushed me down and barrelled right over me to get to safety.  He was even whistling while he worked. 

I was shouting for Willis to kill it as he was giving me play-by-plays from the kitchen. 

Willis: "Do we have any heavy card stock paper?" 
me, shrieking in the bedroom on the verge of tears because that's what pregnant ladies do - cry:  "WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU NEED HEAVY CARD STOCK PAPER FOR RIGHT NOW?!" 
Willis:  "So I can scoop him up and put him back outside." 
me:  "HUH!?" 

So, that's what Willis did.  He scooped up that little ass hole, took him across the parking lot, and let him go on the other side of the building.  If it were me I would have squashed that little f*cker to pieces and then smeared it all over the front door to show the rest of the scorpions who's boss, but I was too busy hiding and screaming. 

I asked my masseuse today if this was a normal occurrence or if maybe that was the only scorpion in all of Texas (one can hope), and she said, "well you won't see them like ants, but they're around."  Not the answer I was looking for.  

Mountain Pose

In more relaxing news, I found a different yoga class that is way more my speed (remedial).  Over breakfast I was telling Willis about it and how they have you return to Mountain Pose a lot, and he said it sounds like just a bunch of standing around to him.  Precisely.

Anyway, today during a bathroom break at my new class I looked down and noticed a little beetle on his back flailing his little legs all around, not able to get himself back up.  I felt bad for the beetle so I helped him get back on his feet, then hoped that good bug karma was getting sent around for me and the scorpions would leave us alone.

OK, off to take a nap now while Willis is out hunting and gathering our dinner (ie. finishing watching football and bringing home dinner from the bar.  Fun fact of the day - he's been giving me demerits today but won't tell me what for and so far I'm up to 8 out of 10).  Wtf?

Bye!

Spare change?

Just got back from a walk-through of our old apartment to see if we owe anything for damages.  I think the woman who was in charge of it needs glasses, because she said it was in perfect condition (which it wasn't).  She somehow missed all of the holes that the DirectTV guy drilled all over our balcony, but I didn't say anything [whistling, looking at ceiling].

I'll definitely miss certain things about our first place in Austin, and I'll also miss seeing the dude on the corner that holds up the sign that says, "hungry, please help."  (Now before you get all upset thinking that I am a heartless wench, let me say this - I am NOT at ALL making fun of homeless people or those in need.  In fact, when I see homeless people and those in need I get a physical reaction in my stomach and I get really sad.  I also used to volunteer with homeless kids and even kept going back after one of the kids told me I was fat, and I also started training for a program here until Logan came along... so I'm really not heartless.)

The reason why I find this guy interesting is because of the message he is sending.  You see, this guy is REALLY overweight.  Now, I don't have a degree in marketing and I don't claim to know a lot about persuasion, but my gut says this guy needs a new angle.  Who's going to believe that a guy who needs to drop at least a hundred pounds is hungry?  (Let the lectures begin...)

Anyone who has gone out drinking with me knows that I have a soft spot for homeless people.  You know how people say that when you get drunk, your true self comes out?  Well, after I've had a few, I think I must be homeless because I literally can't walk by someone begging on the street without having a 20 minute conversation followed by me opening my wallet.  Many of these instances occurred after I went out boozing with a friend who shall remain nameless.  (OK her name is Tyll.)  Tyll used to receive many emails from me saying, "oh, I'm not going out this week - I'm gonna take it easy" then by 4pm she'd get another email that would say "Azure?"  We spent a lot of time (and a lot more money) at Azure over the years.

But, I digress.  Here are a few examples of my soft spot for the needy:

• One evening after Tyll and I had parted ways, I decided that I had a hankering for Wendy's and needed a junior bacon cheeseburger for my cab ride home.  On the walk to Wendy's I happened to pass a group of about 15 homeless guys camped out by the Boston Public Library, and two minutes later I was taking orders for their dinner.  Willis called while I was in the midst of this, and he was not exactly thrilled when I chirped, "oh, I'll be home once I get these homeless guys their dinner."  I think Willis probably drove 100 miles an hour from our apartment, because he appeared at the Wendy's just as I was gathering all of the bags.  He then helped me pass out all of the food, which I think he was less than excited about.  Poor Willis. 

• When Willis and I first moved in together, we lived in a building that overlooked a park on the waterfront in Boston.  One night I saw this poor guy sleeping on a bench in the park, and I decided that it wasn't right that we were nice and warm and he was not.  Don't worry, the story doesn't end with the guy spooning Willis in the middle of the night.  The story does end, however, with me giving the dude Willis's pillow and his down comforter.  We didn't really have any food in the house, though, so I gave him all I had - a few beers and a half eaten container of salted Planters peanuts.  He was asleep when I covered him up and gave him his pillow and treats, so I left him a note but I can't remember what it said.  He stayed there for several more nights with his new blanket and pillow.

• Another time after a night out at Azure, Willis and I were walking back to the car (don't worry I wasn't driving) and I saw a really drunk homeless woman walking up the wrong side of the road on Boylston - into oncoming traffic.  People were just walking by like nothing was happening, but I convinced Willis to carry this woman to Trinity Church where a lot of them sleep at night.  So, there was poor Willis with this hammered woman basically draped over his shoulder (and me also trying to hold her up) blasting by people on the sidewalk of Boylston Street.  On the way I ended up seeing a girl I knew from work who gave us the most horrified expression I have ever seen, so I told her it was my mother visiting from out of town.  JUST KIDDING, MOM!  I didn't really say that.  We (Willis) deposited her at the steps of Trinity Church where some other homeless people said they knew her and would look after her (the drunk woman, not my mom). 

• One night when we first moved to Austin (and obv before I was in my current condition) I ran into a homeless guy on the street (ok full disclosure I was having a smoke outside of a bar - SORRY MOM AND DAD), and I of course started fishing for money to give him.  For whatever reason I didn't have any change or money in my wallet (oh wait I hardly ever do), but I did have one of those Guatemalan worry dolls.  Willis came out looking for me as I was holding the worry doll telling the homeless guy that all he had to do was tell the doll his worries before he went to bed and they would all go away. 

OK OK enough procrastinating - back to closet organizing!