Sunday, July 31, 2011

Dear Logie,

The day life forever changed.
Tomorrow you will be 6 months old.  Everyone always says this, but I really have no idea where the time has gone and I am in utter disbelief at how fast life is moving.  It makes me sad.  

I knew that when we took you to the doctor for your 6 month checkup that she was going to make me start feeding you solid foods, but I wasn't quite ready so I delayed your appointment until Thursday.  As if those 4 days will keep you more of a baby longer.

Don't worry, you'll get that sweet potato soon.

Here's a little bit about you. 

-You love meeting new people. 
-You'll let anyone hold you. 
-You make the funniest faces, and have a semi-surprised expression much of the time.
-You are very go-with-the-flow (you get that from your father).

-You get very cranky if someone wakes you from your nap (you get that from me).
-You love screeching and shrieking and hearing your own voice (you get that from me). 
-You think your daddy is soooooo funny (that won't last).

I love being your mom, Logie.

-Your favorite songs are Alouette, Wheels on the Bus, and Head Shoulders Knees and Toes.  Considering I don't know very many, your choices are limited so I believe these are your favorites by default.
-You will still let me rock and cuddle you in your glider chair, and even though you get a little squirmy, you still humor your mama. 

-You now sleep TWELVE HOURS a night, and wake up smiling and cooing in your crib (even though your diaper weighs roughly 48 pounds).
-Your BFFs are Mr. Monkey, Elmo, and Little Willis, in that order.  You also loved Scout before his batteries died. 
-Though you tried all 10 -- thumbs included (OBV) -- I believe the two front fingers on your right hand have won out for finger sucking.  They have even defeated the paci. 

I wouldn't trade the last 181 days for anything in the world.  You have made each and every tear/diaper change/worry/poop explosion/spit up soaked shirt/load of laundry/sleepless night/dollar/stretch mark/moment of self doubt/pediatrician's office visits out of pure paranoia/early morning... WORTH IT

Willis and I love being your parents, Logie Bear.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Logie's nursery

I finally got my picture project done!  I'm still waiting on some from Willis's side of the fam, but for now, here's what we have.  It's a mix of old pics of my grandparents, me, Willis, me, my parents, me, our siblings, and me.  Oh and some rando quotes I stole off the internet.

TEQUILA TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Birds: UPDATE #2

Apparently, the joke's on me.  See, the problem with me and jokes is that I can never NOT GIVE MYSELF AWAY.  I ended up telling Willis about the birdfeeder.  I AM LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD.  "HAHAHAHAH!!!!! I'm playing a joke on you!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" 

Imagine Logan and Santa Claus? 

And, the wall blocks his view anyway. 

Someone found the feeder!

why am i so obsessed with the freaking bird feeder!?

Birds: UPDATE #1

UPDATE:  Willis is currently home for lunch, and is eating his sandwich in his man room.  In plain view of the birdfeeder.  Still does not know it is there, hanging away in his tree. 


Have you ever noticed that when you pull into a parking spot next to someone at a store and walk in at the same time, that often times you walk out at the same time?  This NEVER ceases to amaze me.  Really.  How is it possible for people who are shopping for TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS to end up at the SAME PLACE, SAME TIME, OVER AND OVER AND OVER?  I could think about this all day. 

It happened again yesterday at Lowe's.  Logie and I were on a mission to try and get some sort of solution for the afternoon sun that peers through the windows next to the front door (which causes Daisy to go haywire), parked next to a senior citizen man (Dad, do you know him?), walked in at the same time, and walked out at the same time.  And it wasn't really a quick in and out, either.  (That's what she said!!!)

Shockingly, our blinds mission was forgotten the moment we walked through the doors, and we started shopping for bird feeders and seed instead.  (Are you aware that some types of bird seed goes for $15?  WTF?  My dinner last night didn't cost $15.)  I wandered around the bird feeder section agonizing over which one to buy for a good 20 minutes.  The first one was too plastic, the second too tall, the third had a string that apparently squirrels could chew right through according to the Lowes worker, etc.  I could NOT DECIDE.  Finally I decided that squirrels needed to eat too, and chose one that could also double as a bird bath in case I changed my mind about feeding birds.  It was like 3 in 1 all for the price of $12!  Then we had to decide on the type of SEED.  I was dying.  I finally decided on the "Wild Seed Blend" which feeds all types of birds.  And, not coincidentally, was the cheapest. 

With this new bird feeder comes a scientific experiment in the Austin Ali house:


This is also a test to see if he even reads his wife's blog.  Stay tuned.

Experiment began at 4:40pm, 7/27/11

BREAKING NEWS (I COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP IF I TRIED):  As Willis was JUST leaving for work, he walked back inside and said, "Did you know that there is some sort of hook on the window above the garage?"  me:  "Yes Willis.  That has been there since before we bought the house.  It's for a wreath."  Willis:  "Wow.  I never noticed it."  me:  "Really?  You are just noticing this?"  Willis:  "I never look up there." 

Speaking of Willis, I'm still reeling from the fact that this morning he announced that he poured MILK over his fruit for breakfast.  Sick!

After I made a gagging noise Willis said, "haven't you ever heard
of strawberries and cream?  People do this all the time."
Adios amigos!  CHEEESY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Hail Bay

Today as Willis and I were driving to Home Depot with a [precious] sleeping Logie in the backseat, I saw a truck pulling a few bails of hay that I felt the need to point out. 

me:  "Look at those huge hail bays!  So cool."
Willis:  "Did you say hail bay?  Do you mean those bails of hay?" 
me:  "Oh you know what I mean."

I'm telling you, something HAPPENED to me after Logie arrived.  They call it "baby brain", but I fear mine is WAY worse.  It's as if they removed half of my brain (along with the most precious child in the universe -- no offense everyone else with babies) on February 1st.  Not only do I call objects by the wrong name, several times a day I'll know what I want to say but I just can'  Like the word is stuck on my tongue.*

Let's be honest, I didn't have a ton to lose to begin with.  And let's not even discuss the fact that I think bails of hay are worth mentioning. 

At least Willis knows what it will be like living with me as an old lady, ripe with dementia.  (EW, RIPE!)  A glimpse into his future, if you will.

I love you, Willis and Logie Bear.

Perhaps the part of the brain they removed was also the section responsible for putting myself together -- choosing outfits, etc.  I'm just sort of...disheveled these days, and I feel like now when I'm in public I look like a complete degenerate. 

The way a worker responded to me today at Home Depot helped drive my fear home.

me [next to Willis, who was pushing precious sleeping Logan in his stroller]:  "Do you sell patio sails?"  (don't ask)
Home Depot worker:  "we don't have those, but we do have some big outdoor umbrellas over there. [pointing, then looking back at me]  But they are REALLY expensive.  You might want to try Bed Bath and Beyond."

As she walked away, my mouth kind of dropped and I said to Willis, "UMMM.... what the hell did she mean by that?!  Do you think she thinks we CAN'T AFFORD the expensive umbrellas?  Why would she say that otherwise?  We should buy one just to spite her." 

Poor Willis.  He just shook his head and said "I don't think she meant anything by that, other than that they are expensive.  She looks like an amazon woman anyway." 

Then we walked over to the umbrellas ... which were $299...  and I said "$300 for an UMBRELLA!?  F that!" 

Wanna see our new family member?  That's Agave.  And are you worried that I'll JUST NEVER SHUT UP!?  Don't worry, I'm done after this.

Now that I am looking at this, I think those tealights
look a little gay.

(*hate that word too). 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Logie's room!

ICAN'TSTOPSHOPPING.  But see, I really think I've saved us a lot of money over time with all the bargains I have found.  And after dealing with TWO (2) diaper explosions before 10am, Logie and I deserve it, right?! 

Plus, I didn't buy a whole matching crib set because I am so anal I was afraid he'd suff. (can't even say the word) on the bumpers.  I mean that's around $400 right there that I saved us.  Instead, I found the CUTEST crib duster known to man. 

 Poor Willis.  Gets email like this all the time from yours truly:

From: Ali
Sent: Thursday, July 21, 2011 9:38 AM
To: James'
Subject: that logan!

He was shopping for his nursery and he showed me this crib skirt he wanted. 

Wanna see his bookshelf?  Sure you do.

What is that, a wadded up tissue on the ground in front?  Gross! 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


Logie's bookshelf arrived today!  I know you are beside yourselves with excitement.  I was too, until I noticed that it was delivered in a flat-ish box.  And unless I mistakenly ordered a bookshelf for Flat Grace (hi KC!), that means... FURNITURE ASSEMBLY. 


For the past 31.82 years I have tried to pretend that I am just as capable as the next guy of putting things together.  But the truth is, I am not.  I would even venture to say that I am completely inept.  It's not the following directions part that gets me; I can't even get past the summary page identifying each part.  They all look the same to me.  I'm not sure if the skills required for these tasks live in the same part of the brain as following a map, but if they are, then that part of my brain must've been left in the womb*.  Over time the thought HAS crossed my mind that maybe I'm just...not very smart...   BUTLET'SNOTGOCRAZYHERE. 

Anyway, here is Willis putting together the bookshelf after I gave up after step 1.  He kept offering to help while I was starting, and I kept saying "I've got this.  How hard can it be?  This looks really easy."  Fast forward 34 minutes to me walking away, muttering "it's not that I CAN'T do it, it's that I don't feel like dealing with it."  

Daisy is supervising.

For the nursery to be complete I just need to wait for the rest of the pictures for Logie's wall to arrive!  Again, I can almost feel your excitement.  I decided to do a bunch of framed b&w pics of family when we were little, instead of a gay theme.  Mimi helped scan them all in... and shockingly, I have chosen more pictures of myself than anyone else. 

Shoveling food in my mouth at all times of the day started early,
it seems.

Here's a Logie pic from today.  AND YES, HE IS STILL SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT (majorly knocking on wood).

I look like a complete tool in this picture, but Logie doesn't care.
Just love him.
  *horrid word.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Spawn of Satan

FREE CAT!!!!!!!  
  • Needs her daily tuna flavored liquid prozac OR ELSE
  • At one time could go pee pees in the potty
  • Spooked by noise
    • dishwasher disposal, coasters falling on floor, CLAPPING -- especially clapping, she hates clapping
  • Good fly catcher
    • think:  Mr. Miyagi

Inquire within.
no, I would never really get rid of my first baby girl, but a girl can dream...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Ode to Mimi and Pops

Mimi and Pops are currently landscaping my front yard in 100 degree heat while I stay in side "watching Logan" [sleep]. 

Mimi and Pops for President! 

This morning as I was in the nursery with Logie, I overheard Pops walk into the guest room and say to Mimi, "did you know that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced?"  Mimi:  "Oooh, really, and they have those young twins."  Pops:  "Yep.  They said it was after much consideration."   DYING!

Aunt Kari sent Logie the best care package today in the mail.  Hilarious!  GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP, SWEET BABY!!!!!!!!!  Mimi said, "oh look, these pictures are really nice -- you wouldn't ever know it was a joke book.  When you read it to Logie you can just skip the f-word part." 

Mimi loves Logie's new book.

Here are some pics of the older Austin Ali generation in action.  Clearly (and thankfully) they didn't heed the warning from yesterday's article on the elderly and the heat. 

Mimi and her ho.
Off to "check on the baby!"

Friday, July 15, 2011

PSA: For Mimi and Pops

Mimi and Pops:

In between helping with Logie's diaper explosions, putting together Logie's closet, planting the garden and folding my laundry, I  think you should check out the below article from and heed their advice.

"As the nation wilts during an especially brutal summer, warnings have gone out to the elderly to try to stay cool. The problem is, many seniors hear the message but don’t think it applies to them — because they don’t see themselves as old."

And in case you don't think this article is for you, there should be NO question when you read this:

"The United States Older Americans Act, for instance, targets people aged 60 and older, but it's a rare 60-year-old who considers himself or herself elderly." 


Get excited!

After several requests...... I finally got with the times and added a "follow by email" option!

Gotta go have a convo with the bug guy... "Craig, do you offer customer loyalty discounts?  Why should we continue service with you?  I just saw a huge palmetto bug in my house." 

Thursday, July 14, 2011


There are a few things in this world that really make me wonder.  Are there really UFOs?  What about ghosts?  When you die, are you just dead in the ground?  If you ARE just dead in the ground, then why do people spend so much money on caskets?  I could understand if you were going to be visiting the casket every once in a while from the dead -- I'd want a little satin in there, too.  Nice and soft.  But just laying there, rotting away in a thousand dollar* box?  Doesn't make much sense to me.

There are also a few things in the "mortal world," shall we say, that also...bewilder me. 
  • Why do garbage cans cost so much money!?  I don't understand.  $130?  I mean, really?  Do these people not know what you put in these things?  I'm putting slimy corn cobs in here, people.  Paper that has snot on it.   
get over yourself, Simplehuman.

  • I often see stickers on the outside of restaurants, stores, etc. that say things like "2003 Citysearch Pick"  or "2007 Zagat Best Restaurant."  Really?  You are going to call attention to the fact that you haven't won an award in that many years?  What about Willis's new grill RUB** that brags about their award in 1995??  Granted, they won a best on the PLANET award which I think is probably like THE award for a RUB.  But 1995?  If you aren't going to be ashamed of not winning that award again for 16 years, the least you could do is remove it from your label.   
    Even the see-no-evil figurine I bought hammered on a beach
    in Jamaica can't deal with this 1995 business.
Want to know what I did tonight as my baby SLEPT?


And what about the fact that Willis brought home cinnamon rolls this morning for breakfast?  Poor Willis.  Even gets in trouble when he tries to do something nice.  I yelled at him and said "Willis!  Why do you think I can't get into a bathing suit right now!?  Stop bringing this shit home!!!!"  Mimi had like ONE BITE -- I had the rest.  Yes, I repeat -- I ate all of these.  In one day. 

Willis, can you watch Logan while I attend my OA*** meeting?

Having a blast with Mimi and Pops!

*I had to do a Google search for "how much are caskets."  My guess was 3k  Gave me the absolute WILLIES seeing all those casket pictures staring back at me. 

**HEINOUS word. 

***Overeaters Anonymous

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Readers, I'd like for you to meet Lily.  Lily, Austin Ali readers.  Oh, who is Lily you ask?


Lily will tell you that it took us a long time to find her.  First we [foolishly] went shopping at the scratch-n-dent store (aka snake oil salesman, creepster man store) only to almost get squandered out of a sweet 2k.  But after that, Lily sort of found us.  I spotted her as she was hiding around the corner at Home Depot, peering out among the other fridges.  I just knew she was the one.

Here are a few pictures I'd like to share of Lily's first days with us.

Lily's nursery.  Notice her wall is the only one complete with
new paint.  Apparently only Lily's wall is worthy of this paint.

Lily being unloaded from the truck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily's first day home.

Mimi knows how much I adore Lily, because when she asked me what my favorite room was in the house (Mimi loves questions like this), I answered, "the fridge."  So, I don't think Mimi will think that I am joking when I tell her and Pops that they have to put on these latex gloves in order to open Lily -- so not to get fingerprints on her.

Off to get the OLDER AUSTIN ALI GENERATION at the airport!!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

HOARDERS Buried Alive: Special Addition -- Willis's car

Tonight I fled the house in Willis's car to escape our crying-it-out program.  OH, IS IT WORKING, YOU ASK?  WHY YES, YES IT IS.  I HAVE A BABY THAT SLEPT FROM 7:30PM UNTIL 7:30AM LAST NIGHT. 

ANYWAY, as I was putting beer in the backseat (COOL WIFE ALERT), I looked down and noticed the floor behind the passenger seat.  Geez Willis, do they not have trash cans at golf courses!?  I also wasn't aware that I was married to an elderly man (no offense, Dad), what with your Thermal-Care back heat wrapper and all.....

I just told Willis I was blogging about him and showed him the picture
and he said,
"That's a trash bag.  If we were to go through that bag,
that's all shit that YOU'VE left in the Audi."
Touche, Willis. 
Fairly certain I don't use heating stickers on my back, though.

Maybe I feel kind of bad busting on Willis, considering he is the best hubby/dad in the WHOLE WORLD for being the one to do the "check ins" for our sleep program... 'cause they make mama bear too upset...

In other news, Mimi and Pops are coming tomorrow!  Woot woot! 

I thought that they might enjoy some reading material for their bedside table. 

Mimi and Pops enjoy the classics. 
Mimi loves baby animals.

Monday, July 11, 2011


There are obv many differences with apartment vs. house living, but there is one aspect that really stands out among the rest in Austin.  And that would be the garbage situation

Dear Valet Waste,

I miss you.  I'd like to take a moment to thank you for picking up each day's worth of trash every night, right at my door.  Although I know the 11 pounds of Diaper Genie bags that we snuck in the garbage pail used to really piss you off, we didn't mean any harm.  I should have never treated you that way.  Now we have to wait a WEEK in between trash pickups, and we are feeling a little bunchy about it. 

The Previous Tenants in #214.

You were never this happy at my door,
Valet Waste man.
With this new weekly pick-up, Willis has become kind of obsessed with the garbage truck, garbage man, and just the garbage in general.  This morning as I was feeding Logie (WHO SLEPT ENTIRELY THROUGH THE NIGHT THANKYOUVERYMUCH) Willis FLEW into the nursery and ripped open the Diaper Genie pail and said (kind of manic-like) "I THINK IF I HURRY I CAN PUT THIS ON TOP OF ALL OF THE OTHER TRASH BEFORE HE COMES I MEAN WE WILL HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE WEEK OTHERWISE!!!" 

Several hours later I received this email from Willis who was at work:

-----Original Message-----
From: James [Sent: Monday, July 11, 2011 11:06 AM
To: Ali

Subject: RE: Re:

Did you get a chance to see the garbage truck come?  I really wanted to watch it.

Why yes, Willis, I DID get to see the garbage truck come! 

Here's Willis rolling the can back into the garage:

He came into the house a little disappointed, though, because the recycling man left some of our packing paper down in the can.  That paper is currently in the trunk of his car, so he can drop it off at a dumpster.  Willis: "Can't be having that paper sitting there for a whole 'nother WEEK.  Can't believe they just left it in there."

Shower time!

Saturday, July 9, 2011


Did you think I was dead?  I wasn't.  Things have just been crazy what with MOVING INTO OUR NEW HOUSE AND ALL.  HOORAY!!  But moving with an infant... yeah, not so fun.  I think that doing so MIGHT be worse than having gonorrhea -- but since I've never had gonorrhea, I can't exactly confirm that statement.  Big relief, huh Dad? 

Anyway, brief summary of the last week or so, in no particular order:

- One of my movers, LeDon, said to me (after looking at a framed picture circa 2004) "my partner don't believe that's you.  I said 'yeah man, that's HER!  She just had a kid, that's all.' "  Thanks, LeDon.  SIDENOTE:  LEDON'S PARTNER ALSO HAD A NECK TAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  2nd mover in less than a year with a neck tat.... 

- I sort of forgot to get the gas turned on at the house... and it took them OVER A WEEK to "fit us in" their schedule.  I DID manage to get lights and water (thanks to Mimi and Pops reminding me), but that pesky other one that heats water and cooks food sort of fell through the cracks. 

In retrospect, I think that we would have been ok for a while with what hot water we had left in the heater had it not been for the bubble bath I took within an hour of moving in.  I deserved that bubble bath though.  Logie Bear had a major diaper explosion in his swing, and my muscles were sore from standing around telling the movers what to do all day.  Once I was nice and relaxed in my bath I called Willis (who was back at the apartment) and said "I'm in a nice big bubble bath!!!!!!"  To which he answered "where's Logie?"  me: "Oh no worries, he's in his exersaucer right by the bathroom door and I'm singing to him."  Poor Willis.  Having to work remotely, standing up, in an apartment with nothing in it while washing his kid's shit soaked swing seat all while his wife relaxes in a fabulous bubble bath in the new house he just bought. 

- Today Willis and I went chair shopping for his media room.  Willis HATES salespeople... specifically furniture salespeople.  He has a thing.  So it should come as no surprise that Stefan the Salesman accosted us the second we stepped through the door and started tailing us throughout the store.  If we'd sit in a chair or pause AT ALL, he'd swoosh over with some fun fact about what we were looking at.  "You know, that chair is made in Mississippi."  Really, Stefan?  Did you know that I don't really give a shit where this chair is made?  As we were leaving (because Willis had HAD IT with Stefan), Willis says in his BOOMING voice -- decibels above everything and everyone else -- "YOU KNOW HOW IN JURASSIC PARK THE VELOCIRAPTORS STALK THEIR PREY BEFORE ATTACKING AND EATING THEM?  I FEEL LIKE STEFAN IS A VELOCIRAPTOR AND WE ARE HIS PREY, ABOUT TO GET EATEN.” It was SO loud.

I have to go because we are currently doing our "cry it out" program with Logie and he is screaming his head off and I feel terrible so I'm going to go outside for a bit (don't worry, Willis is doing the "check ins" -- MY POOR LITTLE LAMB).