Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Thanksgiving Recap!

I hope everyone had a nice holiday! 

Mine started out like this:

Since I couldn't make up my mind on the best time to go shopping, Cath and I ended up having to go on Wednesday (my worst nightmare!) while Aaron started putting together the crib and Willis had a conference call. 

I don't think Cath wanted to deal with Cranky Ali complaining about her feet hurting, so she insisted that I get pushed around in the above cart.  And I have to say that while I was hesitant at first, it was a very pleasant grocery store trip!  I highly recommend it.  All except for the old ladies giving me stank eye... but I personally think they were just jealous because they weren't getting pushed around themselves.  Too bad so sad for you!  Honk honk outta my way you old bag!
We had a good system going - Cath would do all the work, and I would just bark orders, cross items off the list, and sip water throughout the trip to stay hydrated.

Cath said that she thought the most chaotic part of the trip was the produce section (above), but I thought it was nice and relaxing.

We were kind of making a scene in the gravy/Thanksgiving isle because the monster cart kept blocking the isles where people were trying to get all of the most popular Thanksgiving items, so Cath announced (not sure to who exactly) "oh sorry, SHE HASN'T BEEN OUT OF THE HOUSE IN A WHILE!  You know, BEDREST!"  And a woman came running up and said "oh no!  My sister is home on bedrest right now!  You should be at home!"  And I kind of shrugged and told her not to worry, all was ok since I was in my cart.  I then told another lady about all of the old ladies giving me stank eye, and she said "can you BELIEVE that - well don't you worry, just relax and take it easy, and don't at ALL feel guilty about what you have to do."  My thoughts exactly, lady.  Plus she was old, too, so I think she felt flattered that I was talking to her about all of the other old ladies as if she wasn't one herself.  (Gosh I sound like I hate old people or something!  I really don't.  I mean I'm really close with my parents!  just kidding, Mom and Dad.  OH AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Cath also pushed me all around every square inch of the store while she hunted for the liquid gravy stuff that the workers kept telling her they didn't have, but she just knew that they did.  Although sometimes the isles would be too crowded, so she'd park me up at the top of the isles and I'd just sit there, chillin in my cart.

Apparently the cart was a coveted item, because as soon as we were finished and Cath ditched it in the grass next to our car, this grandma came running over to get it for her grandkids to sit in... 

Next on the having-people-do-everything-for-me agenda was baby furniture assembly.  Aaron got a head start on the crib while Willis did some work:

Once the crib was almost put together, there was a big controversy on how the room should be laid out.  I think the boys moved the bed 4 times, then once Cath woke up from her nap, they moved it a 5th time because she had a different idea on how the room should go... which ended up being the way it stayed.  And I think the way it began, too.  Aaron and Willis were LOVING us. 

I guess each time they moved the bed they had to take some middle section apart, which they loved doing.

They thought for sure they were done with the bed moving, before Cath woke up from her nap:

Also, at one point Willis got put together IN the crib.  The only thing he's missing is a DIAPER! 

I was really hoping the cats wouldn't be interested in getting in the crib, but not surprisingly Sox hopped right in about 3 minutes after they were done.  I read somewhere that cats hate the sound of aluminum foil, so the crib now looks like this.  I hope Logan doesn't mind that crinkle sound.

Here's a pic of the changing table / dresser... we got the combo one because we're a bit tight on space for the next 11 months.  Note that it is also doubling as our wireless router stand.  Oh and that's Bear who is still wearing his diaper. 

And can you find Daisy?

DONE!  I was really helpful throughout the whole process, just kind of sitting around saying "um, well, I don't really know, shouldn't the bed go the other way?" and things of that nature.   

The next day we had a very delicious meal, with a smoked turkey from a very good BBQ place in town called Uncle Billy's.  Cath even made homemade rolls!  I unfortunately couldn't eat them because I have The Dreaded Gestational Diabetes, but I was able to eat tablespoons of other carbs.  I think Willis noticed I was teetering on tears when I saw everyone else's plate, so he got up and got me a few sips of Pinot Noir... which Logan really liked.  And which immediately gave me heartburn. 

Along with the diabetes comes a very handy blood sugar testing kit, so we had a blood sugar competition after dinner to see who was the lowest.  And guess who won, ladies and gents!?  THIS GIRL!  I cheated though and got on the treadmill after we ate so I could have a fakey piece of pumpkin pie I made with Splenda. 

I think this is the first year in a long time I haven't woken up hungover from a holiday celebration (geez what an ALCHIE), which was actually quite nice!  Now I'm just wishing again that Aaron and Cath didn't live 80,000 miles away...

Monday, November 29, 2010

29 weeks

Here's a pic from last week. 

HOW ON EARTH CAN HE KEEP GETTING BIGGER FOR 10 MORE WEEKS!?  And yes, thank you for asking, I am sure that there is just 1 in there. 

A few more observations:

- Yes, that is a double chin creeping in that you are seeing.
- No, I wasn't aware either that you also carry babies in your ass. 
- No, I can't wear my wedding rings right now because of my sausage fingers (I DID buy a big fakey at Target that I'll be sure to show you at another time).
- Yes, that bear on the chair is wearing a newborn diaper.
- Thanks, Lise, for letting me borrow the jeans.  Hopefully they won't be sent back to you stretched out like Andre the Giant (theme of the evening) has been wearing them for the last few months.

Ranting and Raving

I am e x t r e m e l y close to flying into a pregnancy-related I-can't-sleep-since-I'm-so-uncomfortable-but-even-if-I-could-sleep-I-wouldn't-be-able-to-anyway-because-Andre-the-Giant-and-his-family-upstairs-have-decided-to-either-put-on-a-jump-rope-competition-or-a-parade-right-now-and-it-sounds-as-if-my-ceilings-are-going-to-collapse-at-any-moment rage, so I thought I would catch up on the blog.

I swear I am not just a drama queen (well, ok, I know that I am, but that is beside the point).  A few weeks ago we had to dismantle our kitchen light fixture because it sounded like it was going to come flying off the ceiling at any moment because of The Giants and their performances upstairs. 

See, we weren't quite ready to buy a house here yet so thought that we were making the right move by doing apartment living for just one more year.  [Thought process:  Aren't we being smart by renting an apartment so that we don't have to worry about maintenance on a rented house, or even trash pickup for that matter?  Think of all the money we'll save!  I was also terrified of burglars if we moved into a house - true story.]  Clearly I'm not really feeling that way at this moment, since along with apartment living comes neighbors, and neighbors are becoming less appealing by the second.  And by less appealing by the second, I mean I loathe them. 

I can't wait until Logan is here for a million reasons, but reason #1,000,001 is so that we can get revenge on The Giants upstairs.  Sukahs!  WAAAH WAAAAH!  Oh, you hear baby crying?  Ahahhaha can't sleep?  Too bad so sad!  (Yikes, is she always this scary?  And does she always sound foreign when she's angry?  THE ANSWER IS YES.) 

THIS is what I am sure is happening upstairs every night,
except add in a few big parade floats and a jump rope.

Oh no and now Sox is looking at something VERY intently which usually means some sort of deadly insect, but he's staring in the air so maybe our apartment is haunted, too.  That's all I need.  (DEBBIE DOWNER ALERT - WAHH WAHHHHHHH!)  OMG now he is pawing at nothing at the air.  AH!!

I am sure he is looking at a ghost.

Well, I had intended this post to be about the joys of the past Thanksgiving holiday, so maybe I'll just start fresh tomorrow with that one since I feel like this current post might be tainted with a wee bit of negative energy.  BUT, I will leave you with some exciting news - which is even more exciting to me at this moment since The Giants are still at it - I think we are going to build a house!  Willis is sold on the idea, but I'm still not 100% on board... mainly because I fear that we would never finish it since I would never be able to make up my mind on flooring choices, cabinet finishes, etc.  I am certain that I would walk by my cabinets every day thinking, "oh, maybe I should have gone with the darker hue.  Oh, or maybe not.  Do I even like these?" 

Here's to hoping for everyone's sake that I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow............

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I have no idea why I'm writing this right now, considering I haven't started cleaning my house yet, or made it to the grocery store - two of the only items I had on my to do list today.  But I had lunch with a real estate agent, and what I thought was going to just be a quick lunch turned into us going on a homes tour of a relatively new housing development just outside of Austin.  SOOOO that took up a chunk of my day. 

Thought I'd quickly let you know that since this is Cath and Aaron's first time to Austin, I am trying to make James drive them to this REALLY run down trailer park on the way home from the airport and telling them that's where we live.  But maybe that's mean and bad karma like we are making fun of those people?  But I'm really not, I just thought it would be funny.  But now you've made me feel all bad about it so maybe we won't do it....

oh and PS - I downloaded this countdown ticker on my desktop - currently there are 73 days, 19 hours, 39 minutes and 29 seconds until my due date.  I was off my count yesterday by a few days - HOORAY!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Don't Panic

I keep flip flopping on whether or not I feel like 76 days is a long time or not a long time, but at this moment I'm thinking it's not a long time.  You see, in addition to our b-feeding and Lamaze classes, I'm making poor Willis also take a baby care class AND an infant CPR class.  One can never be too prepared, right!?  My doctor's office also offers the baby care class, but it is taught by the nurse assigned to me who I just so happen to LOATHE.  We call her Smokey Joe because she always reeks of butts (cigarette butts, not the human kind of butts), and lately I've been replacing that J in Joe with an H.  (In case you are wondering I love love love my doctor, so I'm willing to put up with SH.)  So, we are driving to another hospital to take the baby care class.  The reason I am telling you all this?  Well, when I checked out the schedule at the other hospital, there were only TWO CLASSES WE COULD TAKE THAT ARE BEFORE MY DUE DATE.  aaah! 

I'm not really sure that taking all of these classes will really do anything for me or not, considering the way I typically react in a panicked situation anyway.  I'm quite certain that I'm someone that you don't want around if there is some sort of emergency going on.  I would be NO help whatsoever, no matter what kind of training I might have had.  In fact, I'd probably start hyperventilating and take away from the actual emergency. 

Just today I had a bit of a close call on the way out of our complex.  Before you go geting all worried, don't fret - it wasn't life threatening or even close to that, but you'd never know that by the way I reacted.  I was trying to follow a truck out of the automatic gate so that I didn't have to wait for it to open again, when it started to close - very quickly - about a millimeter away from the car.  I immediately floored it, then slammed on the breaks, then floored it again - all while clutching the steering wheel, white knuckled, yelling "AAAAAAH!!!!!!"  I was so flustered that I had to pull over at a gas station once I made it out of the building.  When I told Willis about it, he said "you know if that happens again, you can just hit the button and it will open back up."  Right.  That button that I always hit that always opens the gate. 

It didn't even occur to me. 

Can I tell you how excited I am for Thanksgiving?!  Catherine and Aaron are coming to Texas and we are having Thanksgiving like grown ups, just the 4 of us.   Like an 80 year old (no offense, Mom and Dad - J.U.S.T K.I.D.D.I.N.G) I have been fretting for a week about the best time to go grocery shopping in order to beat the rush.  I talk about it every day - debating on which day, which time of day, etc. is going to be the least crowded.  Last week I was about to ask the checkout girl her thoughts until she dropped my rotisserie chicken on the ground and I figured I couldn't really trust her judgement after all.  So, I'm still undecided, which means I'm waiting until the last minute, which means I won't be beating the rush.  I also feel like I have to separate Thanksgiving shopping from regular shopping.  I was at the grocery store TODAY, in fact, and saw a few things I knew were on the Thanksgiving list but I thought, "no no I can't get that now, I need to wait for the Thanksgiving grocery trip."  Demented. 

We were behind this tool the other day.
Who gets that as their license plate?!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I Guess I'm a Worrier

Why did Pink have to go ruining her new song with the "if you're too SCHOOL for COOL" line?  I find it so annoying and of course it is the only portion of that song that gets stuck in my head.  Just thought I'd share - and maybe get it in your head, too - so we are in this together.  And while we are on the music topic, I'm still undecided on whether or not I like Rihanna. 

Yesterday Willis and I were eating lunch next to this tree at one of our favorite places in Austin.  Willis was humoring me by eating outside as he would much prefer sit at the bar, but I pulled the "oh but I'm afraid of falling out of those high bar stools and hurting the baby!" which he couldn't very well argue with...and sadly, it's true.  I guess I'm a worrier... THAT'S WHY MY FRIENDS CALL ME WHISKERS!  (never gets old)

Anyway, I got sad looking at this tree.  This thing has been around forever, and then someone had to go and drill lighting into it.  I asked Willis if he thought the tree was sad about it, and he said no and also pointed out that it didn't have a central nervous system so it didn't hurt, either, but it still made me sad. 

Here is an example of my thought process these days.  Last night we were watching some show on Food Network (yes our lives are super exciting these days) and Willis said, "look at that kid - that's gonna be Logan one day!"  And I noticed that the kid was eating a hot dog - which made me immediately think of choking - and I said, "oh chew it chew it, don't choke!" then said, "speaking of, we need to find that baby CPR class to take."  CAN YOU SAY NEUROTIC?!  Poor Logan.  I probably won't let him get his driver's license until he needs to drive himself to the alter.  Speaking of Logan, he is not messing around about this whole me not allowed to sleep on my right side gig.  This morning I thought if I was really quiet about it, like a bunny, that I would trick him and he wouldn't know.  WRONG!  I was sent airborne by one of hardest kicks I have ever felt.  Logan wins again! 

Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure. 
Doesn't Willis look funny here?  He reminds me of an ant
when they carry those big crumbs on their backs.

Doesn't Daisy look sweet here?  Well, she's not.  She's been
guarding the litter box so poor Sox can't go and also
randomly attacking him.  Daisy is #1 on my shit list right now.

We love sitting in wet showers. 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Don't worry, I'm not going to post a picture of the stretch marks that I found recently that seem to have been hiding from me.  But I'll tell you all about them.  They are the REAL DEAL, ladies and gentlemen.  The real deal.  I had gotten a bit cocky thinking that the $50 tiny vial of prego woman stretch mark prevention stuff had really worked, and I think it is for that reason they happened.  I jinxed it big time.  I gasped when I saw them for the first time, and also shouted for Willis to HURRY! for a second opinion to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.  I wasn't.  Willis told me that they aren't that bad, but he's lying [smart man] - they are.  Like deep ridges.  Grand Canyon-ish. 

Interruption for one brief second:  Logan is kicking me to death right now!  I think he wants to tell you all hello.  Or maybe the hot laptop is giving him swass.  Did I tell you he also doesn't like it when I try and sleep on my right side?  He jams his elbow into my hip until I roll back over.  Then he's nice and happy and leaves me alone.  It was really funny for a few days but now my left side goes completely numb every morning because I can't roll over.  Logan!  (It's ok, Logan.  Shh it's ok.)

OK - back.  The other night Willis looked over as I was intently staring at my belly and said, "aw, is Logan kicking again?" to which I answered, "no, he's sleeping.  I'm just playing with this inch-long hair that has sprouted beside my belly button.  Wanna see it?"  (He didn't.)  It's not a gross hair or anything - just a tiny white wisp that just seems to keep getting longer.  It's nice and soft, too. 

See, I think most people don't openly talk about stuff like stretch marks and rogue wispy hairs as a matter of practice.  Probably for good reason, you say?  Well, I just can't seem to stop sharing.  If someone asks me a question, I'm going to answer it.  Honestly.  (I don't mean total strangers, mind you.)  Wrong or not, it's who I am.  We were out to dinner with a friend of mine from college the other night who was asking me prego-related questions (she and her husband decided they are not having kids - and yes, they arrived at that decision BEFORE they dined with me).  "How are you sleeping?"  "Like shit."  "Are you uncomfortable?"  "Generally speaking, yes."  "Do you like being pregnant?"  "I like several aspects of being pregnant, sure." 

We were laughing about it, but then on the way home I asked Willis, "do you think that when most people are asked how they are feeling about things, they just answer that everything is great, and don't complain?"  And to be honest, I actually can't remember what his answer was, because I'm too tired from not sleeping (due to my horrific back pain)... 

I'm sure you are dying to know his answer, so I'll be sure to ask him - maybe in the middle of the night when we are in one of our [nightly] sleep wars over his snoring.  He is usually half asleep, so he says really catchy things that don't make any sense after I scream at him.  The other night (after I yelled at him to roll over and shut-the-f-up) his offering to the fight table was, "ZIIIING!"  And I said, "Zing?!  That's what you've got!?"  To which he rolled back over and started snoring again.  A personal favorite and old standby is when he screams, "excuse me for breathing!" 


I would have already shoved a sock in his
mouth if I was that woman. 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I'm taking a break from a painting project for Logan's room (and by painting project I mean recreating a couple of paintings that I found online... and I use the term  "recreating" because I feel like that sounds better than COPYING).  Who needs to buy art when you have a Michael's right down the street?  Not this girl.  No sir.  Well maybe this girl.  We'll see how it goes.

Is it illegal to do that?  I think it is.  But how do they know that I didn't have the same idea in my head the whole time and just came across the pictures coincidentally?  I'd like to post the pictures but I'm afraid that I'll get caught by the internet copyright police.  I MEAN BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE READING MY BLOG AND ALL.  And I'm sure that the artist would come across it immediately and get angry, so I'll play it safe.  Plus my picture upload tool is being a tool and doesn't seem to be allowing me to upload them. 

I am sure that you are just dying to see them, so maybe once the nursery is all nice and done you can play I Spy once I post pictures.  I'll give you a hint - they have a blue background and have baby lambs, moons and stars on them.
The lamb looked kind of like this.

Speaking of baby lambs....  Baby lambs make me think back to my college days when Catherine and I had the great idea that we were going to buy a little baby lamb and keep it in the backyard as a pet.  We got the idea on the way to go pick up some kegs for a party we were having that night, and ended up stopping on the way home at some random farm.  How we knew that farm existed and that there were baby lambs for sale is beyond me, because wasn't this before the internet existed?  Maybe there were Lambs For Sale! signs at the keg warehouse. 

We thought that we could build a shed for it out back, and instead of having to worry about its mess, we were going to have it wear a diaper.  We cooked up this whole plan on the way home and told the rest of our roommates about it, who shockingly didn't seem as excited as we were about it.  I asked Cath about it today and she remembers that we were going to try and keep it in the backyard of a fraternity house where we used to hang out, but I guess that plan didn't really come to fruition, either.  It's funny - both of our memories are a bit foggy from back in those days.  I wonder why. 

I also wonder what that baby lamb is doing now........   

Here is a pic of Cath and me waaaay back in the day.
Little did we know at the time she was gonna
And I'm clearly sucking in my stomach here.
Oh and I am just holding that cigarette for someone. 

Monday, November 15, 2010


I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack! 

I'm sure that you are just beside yourselves with excitement.  I'll give you a minute to compose yourself.

And in case you were wondering where in the world Austin Ali was all last week, I was at home - doing this:

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a paper chain counting down the days for when Baby K will arrive!  Right now there are 82 of those bad boys.  Yes, I realize that I need to get a life.  But at this point I'll do anything to pass the time. 

Speaking of passing the time, I was having sort of a rough week last week so Mama Bear hopped on a plane and came to visit on Friday!  Mama Bears make everything better.  They also do stuff around your house that you don't feel like doing.  In fact, as we speak she is wrapping up pictures that we aren't hanging on the walls in order to store in the garage.  If it were me, I'd probably just jam them all in the same garbage bag with a label that said "pics" on the front, but she's wrapping up each individual picture in nice white paper then labeling exactly what they are on the front. 

This weekend Willis, my mom and I were watching TV and my mom said to me, "do you want to go get on your PJs?  Or ARE those your PJs?"  And Willis said, "yeah, it's kind of hard to tell the difference these days."  That's what I call a laugh riot.  A real laugh riot. 

And before I let you go, can we talk about HOW CUTE THESE TEENY TINY LITTLE CLOTHES ARE?!  It's a sneak peek into Baby K's closet.  Don't worry, I'm sure when it's done I'll be posting about 100 pictures of each individual sock, so don't feel like you need to go making it your screen saver or printing it out just yet.  There will be more. 

That striped PJ thing with the lions on the feet also has a

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sunday, November 7, 2010


How was your Saturday night?  That's good.  Oh, my Saturday night?  Traumatic is the word that comes to mind.  That's because a SCORPION decided that he wanted to come in from the cold and scare the shit out of me and almost eat my cat.  Yes, a scorpion. 

This is a picture of Willis after he captured the scorpion. 
We are actually living in a Four Runner down by the river.
I was about to fill up my huge trucker mug full of ice water and head to bed (it was 9pm) when I noticed that Sox was very interested in the front door area.  Like on high alert.  He was jumping up a little and pouncing down - sort of like a pony that's excited.  Then I noticed this THING sliver past him.  Apparently I shouted, "oh my god it's a centipede!  OH MY GOD NO IT'S A F*CKING SCORPION!  A SCORPION!!!!!" before I grabbed Sox by the tail, slung him over my shoulder, ran to the bedroom and slammed the door.  Fight or flight, baby.  Let's discuss the fact that I left Daisy there to fend for herself another day. 

As soon as I got inside the bedroom I heard Willis say, "it's ok, I have him trapped under this cup, don't worry" which really surprised me because if it had been any other stinging insect, Willis would have pushed me down and barrelled right over me to get to safety.  He was even whistling while he worked. 

I was shouting for Willis to kill it as he was giving me play-by-plays from the kitchen. 

Willis: "Do we have any heavy card stock paper?" 
me, shrieking in the bedroom on the verge of tears because that's what pregnant ladies do - cry:  "WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU NEED HEAVY CARD STOCK PAPER FOR RIGHT NOW?!" 
Willis:  "So I can scoop him up and put him back outside." 
me:  "HUH!?" 

So, that's what Willis did.  He scooped up that little ass hole, took him across the parking lot, and let him go on the other side of the building.  If it were me I would have squashed that little f*cker to pieces and then smeared it all over the front door to show the rest of the scorpions who's boss, but I was too busy hiding and screaming. 

I asked my masseuse today if this was a normal occurrence or if maybe that was the only scorpion in all of Texas (one can hope), and she said, "well you won't see them like ants, but they're around."  Not the answer I was looking for.  

Mountain Pose
In more relaxing news, I found a different yoga class that is way more my speed (remedial).  Over breakfast I was telling Willis about it and how they have you return to Mountain Pose a lot, and he said it sounds like just a bunch of standing around to him.  Precisely.

Anyway, today during a bathroom break at my new class I looked down and noticed a little beetle on his back flailing his little legs all around, not able to get himself back up.  I felt bad for the beetle so I helped him get back on his feet, then hoped that good bug karma was getting sent around for me and the scorpions would leave us alone.

OK, off to take a nap now while Willis is out hunting and gathering our dinner (ie. finishing watching football and bringing home dinner from the bar.  Fun fact of the day - he's been giving me demerits today but won't tell me what for and so far I'm up to 8 out of 10).  Wtf?


Saturday, November 6, 2010


In case you're wondering about the picture, it's a hibernating bear - and I think it's where I belong for the rest of my pregnancy.  I might need to pimp out my cave a bit with a wedge pillow, a water cooler and some yogurt (can't.get.enough.yogurt), but I think I could make it cozy.  It would just be safer for everyone.

Today Willis and I did suburbanite things like go to the Crocs outlet store and Bed Bath and Beyond (come to mama, Mr. Dyson!).  I asked him if he felt like Will Ferrell in Old School (Frank: "Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.") but he said no.  Poor Willis.  Before Baby K came along, a typical Saturday for us used to revolve around drinking margaritas and playing gin outside at a bar til dusk. 

Back to the hibernating.  I think it would just be better for everyone for me to just hide for a while for the following reasons:

Reason #1

During lunch, Willis asked me if I had something against the woman who helped us at the Crocs store.

me:  "What do you mean?  No, she was fine."
Willis:  "Well, I think she thought that you hated her, as did I."
me:  "How come?"
Willis:  "Because when she told you the ones they didn't have in your size were discontinued and you couldn't order them online, you said, 'well, that's helpful' [insert snippy, biting tone]."

Apparently she gave an offended look, but I didn't notice.  I felt bad after Willis told me that and even asked if I should call the store and tell her I was sorry for being a brat.  He said no.  I mean I remember saying that, but I meant it more towards Crocs - not her specifically.  Hey lady - I'm not a bitch, I'm just misunderstood!  (well........)

Reason #2

While Willis went to get a massage to get the crick out his neck (he could only turn it one way so I kept taunting him with my neck movement abilities saying, "I'm an owl!  I'm an owl!"), I went to Home Goods for more house stuff and managed to shatter some merchandise and make a big scene.  Thankfully the Home Goods dude was nice about it, and didn't enforce the You-Break-It-You-Buy-It rule. 

What do you guys think about this shower curtain?  I think I love it but I'm also hesitant to get it in case I actually hate it. 

Lastly, Willis informed me this afternoon that he thinks the name Logan is getting too much air time and we need to give Evan a fighting chance.  So, it's Evan this week (sorry, Logan, I know you're probably confused, but let's just play along for a while).

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Spare change?

Just got back from a walk-through of our old apartment to see if we owe anything for damages.  I think the woman who was in charge of it needs glasses, because she said it was in perfect condition (which it wasn't).  She somehow missed all of the holes that the DirectTV guy drilled all over our balcony, but I didn't say anything [whistling, looking at ceiling].

I'll definitely miss certain things about our first place in Austin, and I'll also miss seeing the dude on the corner that holds up the sign that says, "hungry, please help."  (Now before you get all upset thinking that I am a heartless wench, let me say this - I am NOT at ALL making fun of homeless people or those in need.  In fact, when I see homeless people and those in need I get a physical reaction in my stomach and I get really sad.  I also used to volunteer with homeless kids and even kept going back after one of the kids told me I was fat, and I also started training for a program here until Logan came along... so I'm really not heartless.)

The reason why I find this guy interesting is because of the message he is sending.  You see, this guy is REALLY overweight.  Now, I don't have a degree in marketing and I don't claim to know a lot about persuasion, but my gut says this guy needs a new angle.  Who's going to believe that a guy who needs to drop at least a hundred pounds is hungry?  (Let the lectures begin...)

Anyone who has gone out drinking with me knows that I have a soft spot for homeless people.  You know how people say that when you get drunk, your true self comes out?  Well, after I've had a few, I think I must be homeless because I literally can't walk by someone begging on the street without having a 20 minute conversation followed by me opening my wallet.  Many of these instances occurred after I went out boozing with a friend who shall remain nameless.  (OK her name is Tyll.)  Tyll used to receive many emails from me saying, "oh, I'm not going out this week - I'm gonna take it easy" then by 4pm she'd get another email that would say "Azure?"  We spent a lot of time (and a lot more money) at Azure over the years.

But, I digress.  Here are a few examples of my soft spot for the needy:

  • One evening after Tyll and I had parted ways, I decided that I had a hankering for Wendy's and needed a junior bacon cheeseburger for my cab ride home.  On the walk to Wendy's I happened to pass a group of about 15 homeless guys camped out by the Boston Public Library, and two minutes later I was taking orders for their dinner.  Willis called while I was in the midst of this, and he was not exactly thrilled when I chirped, "oh, I'll be home once I get these homeless guys their dinner."  I think Willis probably drove 100 miles an hour from our apartment, because he appeared at the Wendy's just as I was gathering all of the bags.  He then helped me pass out all of the food, which I think he was less than excited about.  Poor Willis. 

  • When Willis and I first moved in together, we lived in a building that overlooked a park on the waterfront in Boston.  One night I saw this poor guy sleeping on a bench in the park, and I decided that it wasn't right that we were nice and warm and he was not.  Don't worry, the story doesn't end with the guy spooning Willis in the middle of the night.  The story does end, however, with me giving the dude Willis's pillow and his down comforter.  We didn't really have any food in the house, though, so I gave him all I had - a few beers and a half eaten container of salted Planters peanuts.  He was asleep when I covered him up and gave him his pillow and treats, so I left him a note but I can't remember what it said.  He stayed there for several more nights with his new blanket and pillow.

  • Another time after a night out at Azure, Willis and I were walking back to the car (don't worry I wasn't driving) and I saw a really drunk homeless woman walking up the wrong side of the road on Boylston - into oncoming traffic.  People were just walking by like nothing was happening, but I convinced Willis to carry this woman to Trinity Church where a lot of them sleep at night.  So, there was poor Willis with this hammered woman basically draped over his shoulder (and me also trying to hold her up) blasting by people on the sidewalk of Boylston Street.  On the way I ended up seeing a girl I knew from work who gave us the most horrified expression I have ever seen, so I told her it was my mother visiting from out of town.  JUST KIDDING, MOM!  I didn't really say that.  We (Willis) deposited her at the steps of Trinity Church where some other homeless people said they knew her and would look after her (the drunk woman, not my mom). 

  • One night when we first moved to Austin (and obv before I was in my current condition) I ran into a homeless guy on the street (ok full disclosure I was having a smoke outside of a bar - SORRY MOM AND DAD), and I of course started fishing for money to give him.  For whatever reason I didn't have any change or money in my wallet (oh wait I hardly ever do), but I did have one of those Guatemalan worry dolls.  Willis came out looking for me as I was holding the worry doll telling the homeless guy that all he had to do was tell the doll his worries before he went to bed and they would all go away. 

OK OK enough procrastinating - back to closet organizing!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Ode to Willis

I'm a huge fan of Willis.  Which is probably a good thing, considering I married him and all.  Plus, now I'm REALLY stuck with him seeing as though I'm unemployed and listed as his dependent!  Ah!

Did you know that Willis ran for governor of Texas?  It's true.  It happened yesterday and he didn't even know it.  We were on our way back from Logan's Dr. appt., and Willis wanted to stop and vote.  I have been a bit preoccupied and haven't been paying attention to any of the candidates, so I decided I wasn't going to vote.  I know, I know.  Lecture noted.  ANYWAY, even though I was just going to wait next to him, I somehow got in the shuffle and ended up with a voting sticker and at one of the booths.

So, I decided to write in Willis for governor.  Looking back, I probably should have just listed "Willis" but I put his full name instead.  I watched the news last night to see if they mentioned him, but they didn't.  Willis didn't seem too upset (or surprised) that they didn't say his name. 

Here are a few funny things that Willis said yesterday.  At least I think they are funny.

Funny statement #1:  As we were leaving the Dr., I had to stop to use the facilities.  I said, "Hang on, I need to go."  As I handed Willis my purse to hold he said, "Ok.  I'll just be over here by the vagina." 

[note I HATE the word vag--- so we'll call it vag.]  He was standing next to a vag model that was in the Dr.'s office - you know, one of those medical thingees that show all the female parts?  Not a REAL vag model/person, you pervs.  I tried to Google it so I could put a picture to show you, but for some reason lots of other kinds of vages showed up that I thought were inappropriate for even you. 

Funny statement #2:  Yesterday on our way home I saw one of those missing cat signs on a stop sign.  I always get so sad when I see these, because I can't imagine how I would feel to lose Sox or Daisy.  I said, "oh, I get so sad when I see those missing pet signs.  Poor people."  And Willis said, "well, you could always start a pet detective business."  Ok maybe you had to be there, but I found this hilarious.  But maybe this is just Willis's way to tell me to get the hell back to work.  Hmm.... 

Funny statement #3:  I hinted to Willis that I wanted an eternity band (and by hinted I mean I said, "I want an eternity band with the diamonds and sapphires").  When I told him that if he got it for me it meant I would love him for eternity (not really the best selling point since we aren't exactly the type of couple to gaze into each other's eyes and talk about our undying love for one another) he said, "that's not what it means.  It means I never have to get you another gift for all of eternity." 

Remember how I said my feet hurt?  Well, I heard Crocs are good for prego feet, so I went and got a pair.  This is the only kind they had, but I'll (clearly) wear anything at this point if it makes them stop throbbing.

Something tells me my chances of getting that eternity band would
increase tremendously if I wasn't sporting these when Willis gets home.

Lastly, can we talk about this JACKASS?  Yes, that is two handicapped spots they have taken over, and no, there isn't a handicapped sticker on his/her car - I checked.  I almost left a note on their windshield that said, "you ass hole", but I was too scared of getting caught.  I also almost ratted them out to the store I was going into, but I thought that would be bad tattle karma.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I'm taking a break from unpacking because my feet are killing me!  I was in jammies sporting my tennis shoes in the kitchen to try and get a little more support.  Yes, I refer to sneakers as tennis shoes; no, I never stop whining. 

Normally I would have complete agita being surrounded by a sea of boxes, but it's not really bothering me for some reason.  I think it's because I'm just so happy that yesterday is o-v-e-r.  I'm not sure that I would use Mustang Movers again, but that's a story for another day, and I've always heard that if you can't say something nice...

...then tell the story about the CATFIGHT you got in yesterday!  ME-OW! 

Here's a little background.  Apparently in our building you have to reserve the freight elevator when you move.  Mustang Movers found out the hard way and had to wait for 2 1/2 hours for 2 other moves to finish before they could use it.  Oops.  You see, their boss told me that he was going to check with the office to see if they needed to do anything, so I figured that everything was taken care of.  You know what they say about ASSuming.  Don't worry, though, we gave them an extra hungee and I got them pizzas for their trouble. 

Fast forward to me waiting at the bottom of the freight elevator to put in my key card when up walks HB (Heinous Bitch) with her dog.  HB marches up to the button, and after she presses it, I say "oh, the elevator is stuck on 4 right now with some movers."  Things got really heated really fast so I honestly can't remember the exact dialogue that was exchanged, but here are some highlights.  She was yelling.  And I was all red and blotchy with hot ears by the end. 

Highlights from HB below.  Picture a more sun-damaged Angela from The Office: 

"You people have no consideration for your neighbors, you have been hogging this elevator all day!!!!"  [editor's note - I had gotten there 3 minutes prior and my movers had been waiting to use it for hours]

"This is crazy!!!!!!"  [editor's note - we had literally only been waiting for 2.5 minutes for them to come down with my first load of furniture]

"Maybe like normal people you could make some room for others in the elevator when you pack your shit!!"  [editor's note - my movers hadn't even made one trip yet, and lady, I think it's fairly obvious I'm not the one packing shit in the elevator]

"This has never been a problem before your move today!!!!!!  [see first editor's note]

Highlights from me, after I tried explaining that we had just started the move:

"This is a FREIGHT elevator - to be used for FREIGHT.  Why don't you use the inside elevator like everyone else?!"  To which she points to her poor limping dog and rolls her eyes and huffs and puffs so I scream, "WELL I AM JUST TRYING TO HELP!"


"You need to relax!"

"None of this is my fault!"

"You're going to scream at a PREGNANT LADY for something that's not even her fault!?"  She really liked this one.  I think I got an "oh, PLEASE." 

After she tried to unsuccessfully jam herself and her dog in the elevator with all of my furniture and the 3 movers as soon as the elevator arrived, the movers told her to (politely) to get out of the way so they could unload.  Then the 5 of us rode back up together - like one big happy family.   Except with her still huffing and puffing and mumbling and me suggesting that if she has such an issue, she should just call the office.  "OH I WILLLLLL!!!"  (oh no, I'm scared.)  I just couldn't hold back so I turned and said to Neck Tattoo (mover #2), "see why we are moving?  All of our neighbors are just as bad as she is."   Well, HB didn't like this AT ALL.  Once we reached her floor, she stormed out and yelled "GET OVER YOURSELF!  GOOD F@CKING RIDDANCE TO YOU!!!!" 

Once the door closed I called her some very bad names which the movers loved, then Neck Tattoo got really excited and said, "Yeah!! I bet it was her fault that her dog had to have surgery!!!"  Um, ok Neck Tattoo - I don't really understand what that means or how that's really an insult, but I get that you are trying to hate on HB so I'll take it.

Hey HB - see you next Tuesday!!!!!  (C U Next.....)

Monday, November 1, 2010

Moving moving moving

I'm feeling a little awkward just sitting here while the movers pack up all of our stuff around me, but not awkward enough to help.  And I might seem impossible to please, but when I asked them if they were planning on writing out the contents of each box on the outside, they said, "oh.  yeah.  but we don't have any pens."  If you were planning on labeling everything, why didn't you bring pens?   He also asked me if I wanted them to pack all of our clothes that are in the closet.  I wonder - has anyone ever answered, "oh no thanks, we're going to just leave all of our clothes here and just get all new ones.  But thanks for the offer." 

This is the reason why I thought it would be best for everyone if I just tossed the guys the keys and got the hell out of here.  But when I asked the coordinator guy if I could leave while they were here, he said, "sure, that's fine - just take all of your valuables with you."  HUH?  That of course made me paranoid so I packed up all of our so-called valuables and made Willis put them in the trunk of the car.  Example:  #5 of Willis's to-do list yesterday:  "Take julep cups out of cabinet and put in bag." 

Don't worry, I did my research (hello, Angie's list, I pay you $5.95/mo for a reason!) and these guys scored the among the highest.  Mustang Movers.  "Strong, Fast & Dependable."  Mustang was right up there with Aloha Movers, but money talks and Mustang was $350 cheaper.  I enjoyed meeting the Aloha guy, though, because he showed up to give me a quote wearing a Hawaiian shirt.  He even said he was from Hawaii! 

As I sit here watching these guys bustle around, I'm also listening to my cats absolutely destroy the guest bathroom next to me.  Like it sounds like there is an 800 pound gorilla locked in a metal box that is trying to escape.  I think we just said farewell to any chance we had of getting back that pet deposit considering Daisy has managed to scratch the OUTSIDE of the bathroom door from the inside.  Those claws... 

I had to take off my engagement ring/wedding band because it was cutting off my circulation!  So that Logan doesn't appear to be illegitimate - NO OFFENSE ANYBODY - I think I might pick up a fakey at Macy's or something to wear until I'm not all puffy.

Happy Monday everyone!