Thursday, June 30, 2011


someone who shall remain nameless forgot to get gas turned on at her new, fabulous house.  she got lights and water, but sort of forgot that thing that heats up water and what-not.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Logan, CIO

No, Logie didn't get a promotion.  That stands for what's about to happen in our house, once we move into it.  CRY IT OUT* LITTLE BUDDY. 

Before Logan arrived on this Earth, I would always skip over the "Sleep" sections in the infant care books I was reading.  "How hard could sleep BE for a BABY?"  I thought.  "What's the big deal?  I'll figure it out later."  "Geez, people sure talk about SLEEP a lot."

I want to be very clear about something right now: I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE WRONG ABOUT ANYTHING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 

We are currently in the thresholds of sleep HELL. 

I won't even go into what's been going on in our house from the hours of midnight-5am (those hours used to be a LOT more fun BROWN CHICKEN BROWN COW TOTALLY KIDDING DAD), but it's not pretty.  The words "circus" "chaos" and "merry-go-round" all come to mind.


That's why Logan and I are about to take a field trip to the bookstore to pick up Dr. Ferber's CRY IT OUT book.  This book is so special, I'm not just downloading it on the Kindle because I plan on highlighting, flagging, making notes, you name it.

*I'll never go through with it. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Useful Moving Organization System

I decided (since we aren't hiring criminals off the street to pack for us this move... ~sigh~) that I would take this opportunity to be very methodical and organized about packing.  I promised myself that I would ensure each box was properly labeled with all of the contents inside, and organized such that gadgets are all in one box, utensils in another, wine necessities in another (what does that even MEAN?), etc.

Not only would I label by room (people who only do that are SO HALF ASSING IT), I would write out each and every item that was in the box!!!  I thought it out in my head for days.  "Where's the blender?" I could hear Willis ask, to which I would answer, "it's right over there, in box 13d.  It's under the Cuisinart and next to the Williams Sonoma electric grill" [that has never been used]. 

I imagined something along the lines of this: 

KITCHEN - box 2c
Blender, Cuisinart, Milkshake Maker, Salad Dressing Mixer


Fast forward to less than a week before our move:

My plan is going really well. 


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Beats Me: UPDATE


Willis has arrived home for lunch, and had a brilliant idea.  Remove the couch cushion and see if the unknown speciman had seeped through. 

Based on the neon yellow color, Logan is the guilty party.


Once I wash the outside, nobody will ever know which one it is................

Beats me

Unless you have serious reading comprehension problems, you know by now that I am fascinated by all things #2.  Accordingly, you can only imagine my interest when I picked up the below couch pillow from the floor today and saw this:


Seriously!?  Who did it?  The cats?  Logan?  (To me it looks as if Logan took a massive load diaper off and decided to spin around a few times on the cushion, but I don't think he's that coordinated... YET.)

Should I smell it to confirm that it is, indeed, sh!t? 

Oh man.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Greatest Hits - Volume I

I'd like to take a moment to revisit some of my finer moments over the course of the last 19 weeks.  Thank you and goodbye.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A Love Letter

Dear Sleep,

I really didn't want it to end this way.  What happened to us?  We used to spend hours upon hours together, but now I consider myself lucky if we have even an hour of uninterrupted, quality time for just us.  You and me time. 

We had such a good thing for so many years.  I always talked about how much I loved you, and really thought that we'd be together forever.  I guess I was wrong... I guess this is goodbye.

I dedicate this song to you, sleep. 
Thanks for the memories....

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Take 2

I've been terrified of jinxing the new house, which is why I haven't posted any pics...  well, I'm feeling like living on the edge today.  Do you want a sneak peek?  Sure you do!  It is a COMPLETELY different feel than Rat Castle, and while it doesn't have my fave brick floors in the kitchen, it has 2 more rooms for Logan's Crap.  AND it's 15 years newer.  AND...drumroll please...THERE ARE NO RATS!  I am so excited!  I'll post more of the bedrooms/Logan's rooms when we move in.  Or wait -- is it kind of creepers to post pics of your bedroom online?  I mean not creepers for me, but creepers that some perv could be looking at pics of my bed?

Here she is!
I'm going to put hanging flower baskets on the porch, and
also some Adirondack chairs.  This will likely happen in 2017.

Hello cabinets!  I have missed you.

Don't worry, that little door isn't for Logan.

I kind of want to do Logan's nursery in a Bohemian theme.  To be clear, I am not even sure what that means, and I can't find any pictures online for what I want because it doesn't exist.  I'm sure it's going to go great.  And by great, I mean it will have no theme whatsoever.  Here's what Loges thinks about that:

"you wanna do WHAAAA?"

Now I'm just going to sit in this chair for a while and stare at my precious baby while he sleeps in his swing.  And yes, it is not even 8:30am and my kid is taking a nap.  Because he's been up that long.  Thanks. 


Monday, June 6, 2011


Logie had a fantastic result from his little hip xrays today!  They are FIXED [furiously knocking on wood]!  And yes, I realize the title of this entry is super cheeseball, but I'm allowed to be cheesy and all pun-intended when it comes to my kid.  When I start wearing stonewashed mom jeans that make my ass look wide and flat is when you can call in the reinforcements... Wait, but aren't stonewashes coming back in?  Shit, it's already happening. 

I have the xray pic of Logie's teeny hips hanging on the fridge, like he brought home his first A+ report card.  We are so happy. 

AAAND his onesie was a hit with Dr. Kahn and his assistant.  Except...

Dr. Kahn for president!!!!!

...the K-A-H started kind of coming off this morning where Logie drooled on it before his appointment, but it wasn't anything that a little super glue couldn't fix.  I was pretty tired from being woken up 847 times in the middle of the night and was about to just super glue the letters back on the onesie while Loges was in it, but thankfully realized at the last second that was probably not the best idea.  (By the end of the appointment the lettering was just about disintegrated from drool, Logie's new hitting-himself-over-and-over-routine, and general infant-type movement.  AHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!  General infant-type movement?  WTF is that?   

Anyway, can we talk about the fact that we are moving and also having a garage sale in less than a month?  I haven't started doing ANYTHING.  And Willis brought up a good point when he said, "we don't really have any tables for a garage sale..." to which I answered, "it's ok, we'll just put everything on the garage floor."  It's gonna be a TOTAL flop.  We also need to buy a fridge, washer and dryer, big ass area rug, desk, you-name-it-we-need-it.  We also need to paint Logie's room considering it's purple and girly (who wants to put money on the fact that he'll be living in a purple room for the next year?).  Oh and we're going out of town the weekend before we are moving which also happens to be 4th of July weekend.  When is this going to all happen?  Who's gonna do it for me?  I need an assistant.  Since I'm so busy.  Sitting here in my PJs, on the internet while Bunchy McBuncherson sleeps in his swing. 

In researching movers, I came across this picture:

Naturally, I called them to give me a quote.  I mean someone who gets this creative with their marketing?  You're hired!  Reminds me of good 'ol Roger Cleaner.

In closing, can we talk about what a complete douchecanoe this guy is please?  (you likey the d/c usage?)

From: CNN Breaking News []
Sent: Monday, June 06, 2011 3:37 PM
Subject: CNN Breaking News

Rep. Anthony Weiner apologized for falsely claiming that his Twitter account had been hacked after a lewd photo showed up over Memorial Day weekend.
The New York Democrat admitted to having engaged in "several inappropriate relationships" with women he met online though never in person, but said he was not resigning.


Friday, June 3, 2011

Crafty McCrafterson

Loges goes to the doc on Monday to have the Doc HOPEFULLY say he can stop wearing that blasted harness for GOODSIES!  We LOVE this doctor.  Logie loves him, too, and wanted to tell him so.

This was created by The New Ali.  See, The Old Ali Googled "personalized onesies" and was going to have one made and overnighted at the cost of around $50 (The Old Ali also waits until the last minute and usually pays about 4 times what the item actually costs just for shipping).  The New Should-Be-Crafty-Since-She-Is-A-Stay-At-Home-Mom-About-To-Buy-A-House-Well-Her-Husband-Is-Actually-Buying-The-House-But-A-Penny-Saved-Is-A-Penny-Earned-Right? Ali decided she could make one herself.  It only took like 5 days what with having an infant and all, but it cost less than $10 when all was said and done.  And you can kind of see the shiny stuff where it was ironed on which would NOT FLY with The Old Ali, but WHOTHEHELLCARESINTHEENDREALLY.

In other, loser mom news....

Have you guys ever seen that scene in Baby Boom, when Diane Keaton is at the park talking to other mommies and realizes how "behind" her baby is?  It's here, at minute 4:22.  Well, OBVS Logie isn't BEHIND, but I had a moment similar to that yesterday.  A neighbor invited us to meet her and her new baby at the pool, a baby who is half Logie's age.  Well, Logie's mom is totally by-the-book, so to speak, so Loges hasn't really seen more than 5 minutes of sunlight in the hot Texas summer, let ALONE go to the pool.  He doesn't even have a bathing suit!  So we truck out there with a big ass hat and sunglasses and just a onesie to see tons of little babies even younger than Logie just swimming around like nobody's business.  Fast forward 20 minutes or so ["HE DOESN'T HAVE A BATHING SUIT???"] and I started feeling bad for the little lamb.  Is he destined to be the kid who isn't allowed to go on the amusement park field trip because his mother is too afraid of him falling off a ride?  Or the kid who at the 12 year old's birthday party pipes up when they put on an R-rated movie?? ["come on guys, we don't want to get in TROUBLE!!!!"]  Shit. 

So, needless to say we're having a pool party on Sunday. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Writer's block

Precious baby Logan is sleeping in his swing at the moment, so I thought I'd take a minute to do a little Austin Ali-ing!  The problem is, I know that I only have a few minutes so I'm feeling all this pressure and I'm not sure what to write about. 

Do I write about:

- The fact that my left boob is INSANELY larger than my right?  Like so much different, that even old ladies who aren't wearing their glasses and who have never seen my boobs would immediately notice, and probably point and say "wow, her boobs are two completely different sizes." ?  (No offense, Mom.)  All of the people I emailed the picture of my boobs to yesterday could tell, too, which one was bigger.  Don't worry, I was wearing a cami.

- How the other day, as I was eating around my 48th black bean Gardenburger, I was pondering why Logie bear had been so gassy?  "Gee, I wonder why my baby is SO gassy [simultaneously eating a million ground up beans]."  DON'T YOU LOVE HEARING ABOUT GAS!??????????????????? 

- Or maybe I should write about how poor Logie bear was up ALL NIGHT last night because he was uncomfy from his shots, and Sox was HOWLING outside of his nursery [ghetto screen] door.  Loges finally went to sleep (for 8.2 seconds), and it's almost like Soxy knew -- so he started howling even louder, and then pawing on the door.  I got up and just closed the door right in his little cute cat face.  Can you believe??  A year ago I NEVER would have done such a cold, heartless thing to my first baby, but a girl's gotta sleep........  peace out, Sox.

- Or maybe I'll just post pictures of THE MOST PRECIOUS BABY IN THIS SOLAR SYSTEM:

hi precious baby!  your mom is HOT.  what did she do to her hair?
oh, not wash it?  that's it. 

I mean, really?

Precious baby, I'm sorry that this insanely precious picture
is overshadowed by the fact that the chair in which you are sitting
looks like it was swassed all over.
 Baby stirring! 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Testing to see if this posts to my blog. Hello everybody! I'm seeing if I can post from my bberry! Wouldn't that be grand??