Hibernate

In case you're wondering about the picture, it's a hibernating bear - and I think it's where I belong for the rest of my pregnancy.  I might need to pimp out my cave a bit with a wedge pillow, a water cooler and some yogurt (can't.get.enough.yogurt), but I think I could make it cozy.  It would just be safer for everyone.

Today Willis and I did suburbanite things like go to the Crocs outlet store and Bed Bath and Beyond (come to mama, Mr. Dyson!).  I asked him if he felt like Will Ferrell in Old School (Frank: "Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.") but he said no.  Poor Willis.  Before Baby K came along, a typical Saturday for us used to revolve around drinking margaritas and playing gin outside at a bar til dusk. 

Back to the hibernating.  I think it would just be better for everyone for me to just hide for a while for the following reasons:

Reason #1

During lunch, Willis asked me if I had something against the woman who helped us at the Crocs store.

me:  "What do you mean?  No, she was fine."
Willis:  "Well, I think she thought that you hated her, as did I."
me:  "How come?"
Willis:  "Because when she told you the ones they didn't have in your size were discontinued and you couldn't order them online, you said, 'well, that's helpful' [insert snippy, biting tone]."

Apparently she gave an offended look, but I didn't notice.  I felt bad after Willis told me that and even asked if I should call the store and tell her I was sorry for being a brat.  He said no.  I mean I remember saying that, but I meant it more towards Crocs - not her specifically.  Hey lady - I'm not a bitch, I'm just misunderstood!  (well........)

Reason #2

While Willis went to get a massage to get the crick out his neck (he could only turn it one way so I kept taunting him with my neck movement abilities saying, "I'm an owl!  I'm an owl!"), I went to Home Goods for more house stuff and managed to shatter some merchandise and make a big scene.  Thankfully the Home Goods dude was nice about it, and didn't enforce the You-Break-It-You-Buy-It rule. 

What do you guys think about this shower curtain?  I think I love it but I'm also hesitant to get it in case I actually hate it. 

Lastly, Willis informed me this afternoon that he thinks the name Logan is getting too much air time and we need to give Evan a fighting chance.  So, it's Evan this week (sorry, Logan, I know you're probably confused, but let's just play along for a while).

Moving moving moving

I'm feeling a little awkward just sitting here while the movers pack up all of our stuff around me, but not awkward enough to help.  And I might seem impossible to please, but when I asked them if they were planning on writing out the contents of each box on the outside, they said, "oh.  yeah.  but we don't have any pens."  If you were planning on labeling everything, why didn't you bring pens?   He also asked me if I wanted them to pack all of our clothes that are in the closet.  I wonder - has anyone ever answered, "oh no thanks, we're going to just leave all of our clothes here and just get all new ones.  But thanks for the offer." 

This is the reason why I thought it would be best for everyone if I just tossed the guys the keys and got the hell out of here.  But when I asked the coordinator guy if I could leave while they were here, he said, "sure, that's fine - just take all of your valuables with you."  HUH?  That of course made me paranoid so I packed up all of our so-called valuables and made Willis put them in the trunk of the car.  Example:  #5 of Willis's to-do list yesterday:  "Take julep cups out of cabinet and put in bag." 

Don't worry, I did my research (hello, Angie's list, I pay you $5.95/mo for a reason!) and these guys scored the among the highest.  Mustang Movers.  "Strong, Fast & Dependable."  Mustang was right up there with Aloha Movers, but money talks and Mustang was $350 cheaper.  I enjoyed meeting the Aloha guy, though, because he showed up to give me a quote wearing a Hawaiian shirt.  He even said he was from Hawaii! 

As I sit here watching these guys bustle around, I'm also listening to my cats absolutely destroy the guest bathroom next to me.  Like it sounds like there is an 800 pound gorilla locked in a metal box that is trying to escape.  I think we just said farewell to any chance we had of getting back that pet deposit considering Daisy has managed to scratch the OUTSIDE of the bathroom door from the inside.  Those claws... 

I had to take off my engagement ring/wedding band because it was cutting off my circulation!  So that Logan doesn't appear to be illegitimate - NO OFFENSE ANYBODY - I think I might pick up a fakey at Macy's or something to wear until I'm not all puffy.

Happy Monday everyone!

Vacation

When your doctor asks, "did you go on vacation recently?" after reviewing your weight difference from the previous month, it probably means that you've gained a few. 

I think we all know that I haven't been on vacation this month. 

After turning 100 shades of crimson followed by outloud laughing, all I could say was, "Halloween candy?"

So, ladies and gentlemen, the eating party is over.  I'm saying goodbye to my beloved Blue Bell ice cream after every meal, along with ordering cheesecake/key lime pie/fudge brownies after every meal we eat out.   I would say goodbye to the Halloween candy, but I polished off that bag last night.

The Halloween sugar cookies I made for the doctor's office staff didn't really help the problem, either.  I think I ate about 46 cookies over the course of 2 days.  You know, to make sure everything still tasted ok.  I also had to inhale half of the cookie dough in raw form to make sure that was ok, too.  (Don't worry, it was store bought so no risk of contaminating Baby Logan with salmonella.  I'm not THAT industrious.) 

The cookies were definitely a hit at the office, but there was one teeny tiny problem with the bag that I was planning on giving to the doc.  You see, when you have cats, they shed.  On everything.  So I had the bag in my hand, ready to give to the doctor when she came in the room, when I noticed a white Sox hair on the left wing of her bat cookie. 

I had Willis inspect it, too, and he was able to move the hair onto the plastic, but it was still in there.  It was like we were playing hot potato with the cookies (which were all broken by this point), and I could hear her outside the door.

Willis:  "You can't really see the hair now that it's on the plastic part." 
me:  "We can't give her hairy cookies!  We have to throw it away.  Hurry!  Just hide it under my sweater."

So Willis shoved the bag under my sweater just in time. 

The problem is, I had given about 10 bags out to all of the various office staff I encountered.  (In retrospect, I should have skipped that mean woman who weighed me, but hindsight is 20/20 as they say...)  So now I'm worried that my doctor now thinks I don't like her since I gave everyone cookies but her. 

On my way out, I shoved the bag (along with the gift bag that was carrying all of the cookies) into the trash can in the exam room.  What if she sees it?  And what if all of the other cookies are infested with cat hair, too?  I am never doing THAT again.

In case you can't believe that I am capable of making cookies, here is proof:

They sort of looked like blobs at first.

More blobs

It turns out you can use the cookie cutters AFTER they bake, too.

Wonder how many cat hairs are there....



Who, me?  Shed?



Kitties

I have just returned from Walmart (and why haven't I been shopping at Walmart this whole time?  So cheap!) where I picked up some more big plastic bins.  We are moving in a few weeks, and I am going to be REALLY organized at our new place.  Or at least have it appear that way.  I'll have a garage for the first time in my adult life, and what better way to get organized than to store a bunch of shit you don't use in plastic bins in your garage?

I also picked up 5 more mulled cider candles.  After I made him smell it (the candle, people - the candle), the re-stocking guy told me they only get them around this time.  This is seriously the best smelling candle in the world, so I got scared and decided that 5 was a good number for backup.  Plus they were only $3.  Who cares if they only last 18 minutes - $3 is $3.

Now for a few pictures of Sox and Daisy Kilham for your enjoyment. 


Sox just had to see for himself - he couldn't believe he was getting a brother.



Stand-off

There is a stand-off going on right now in Austin Texas.  It's between the below load of laundry and me.  The towels are clean, I just don't want to fold them.  So it has been sitting in that laundry basket for the last few days.  The last time this happened it lasted almost a month until I finally gave in and lost the battle.  (Hi Mom, aren't you proud?!)  I think the basket and golf shoes have become friends, too, so it would almost be cruel to separate them at this point.  (Yes I am aware I need to get out more.)

I don't know why I hate folding towels so much (or any laundry for that matter), because almost every time I complete the task I think, "well that wasn't so bad, was it?" 

If it were up to me, I'd just leave clean clothes in the dryer and use that as my chest of drawers.  I don't see any shame in getting dressed in the laundry room.  In fact, a few weeks ago I did this for several days until Willis had to wash some of his clothes, so mine had to get out of the way (see Exhibit A).  If Willis's clothes could just stay clean, my plan would have worked great.  Just whittle away the clean clothes until the dryer is empty, wash/dry clothes, repeat. 



Exhibit A

 I feel like this housewife gig is really going well so far, don't you?

Bon Appetit

I was really proud of myself earlier this afternoon because I went to Whole Foods and got all of the fixings for a nice chili - you know, to celebrate the cold front we are having here in Tejas. 

The only thing Willis had to do was chop the onion and garlic, as I am still not very skilled with sharp objects... 

Once I read over the recipe, though, I realized that I accidentally got tomato SAUCE instead of tomato PASTE.  I decided to just add 2 cans of tomato sauce to compensate.  (Turns out we had an extra one hiding in the cabinet that's probably 2 years old, but canned goods last a long time, right?  25 cent luff you long time!)  I'm sure it will be just the same, even though Willis informed me that they are "actually quite different." 

After tasting it, it was pretty bland - even with special chili seasoning... so, I added some salt.  WAY too much salt.  So, I added in an extra 2 cups of water to try and dilute it...

Willis:  "You know that once you cook off all that water it will be just as salty, right?"
Me:  "No." 

Really looking forward to a delicious dinner!

No More Cleaning for You

I think the problem that I have with cleaning is that as soon as you finish, things start to get dirty again.  Why can't things just stay clean?  I mean, how often is one really expected to scrub a toilet?  Dust bunnies form for a reason.  If you just wait a while, the dust does all the work for you and you can just pick it up by the handful.

Willis came out of the guest bathroom the other day and said, "I scrubbed that nasty mold ring in the toilet."  And I thought to myself, "Yeah, big deal.  I scrubbed that 2 weeks ago."  Maybe I have selective seeing when it comes to these things.

I decided to get rid of our cleaners when I knew I wouldn't be working anymore (I will be the best cleaner ever!!  I'll clean while dinner is in the oven!!!).  While these last cleaners were pretty run-of-the-mill, my history with cleaning people hasn't exactly been conventional.  Let's summarize.

• Amparo famously dumped me one day via note (on my stolen work stationary).  There are two reasons I think this happened.  (1)  The only English words she really knew how to say were "cash only", but I had to keep leaving her checks because I never had cash (and always forgot she was coming until I was flying out the door for work).  I didn't know her last name, so I just wrote the checks To the Order of Amparo.  (2) Amparo apparently didn't realize that part of her job description was dusting (and since she didn't speak English it was hard to go over this), so I left her a nicely worded note one morning (next to her check) that said "please pay more attention to dusting."  That night, I came home to The Note next to my key.  Perhaps she understood English better than I thought.



• Then there was Roger Cleaner (yes, this is what he called himself).  He was hired after I was fired from Amparo.  He showed up at my condo wearing $300 Diesel jeans and carrying a portfolio of his work.  I hired him on the spot.  I immediately regretted this decision and started wondering if maybe I was overpaying him since his clothes cost more money than mine, but I was still so burned from the Amparo dumping that I didn't really care.
• Fast forward to our move to Austin.  It was a few days before Christmas and my parents were coming to visit, and I'm fairly certain our place hadn't been cleaned since we moved (mid-October).  I was working from home and heard the sweet sound of a vacuum cleaner in the hallway.  I raced outside and met Lupita.  Long story short, Lupita sent her sister Rosa to help me, but when Rosa showed up with her 8 year old boy in tow (named Omar) who also started cleaning, guilt got the best of me.  I spent the whole time they were here trying to give Omar cookies, juice, etc.  I also spent the whole time concerned that child services was going to come pounding on my door, no thanks to Catherine who put this idea in my head.  Omar left here with Willis's Homer Simpson slippers, which he seemed really excited about, so I felt better. 
  

  

  Willis didn't miss the slippers until I mentioned I had given them away.

  

I have heard that once you have a baby, you have no energy or time to devote to cleaning.  I am quite certain this will be the case with me, since right now I don't have a baby or a job, and still don't have the energy or time to clean.