Wednesday, October 2, 2013


Before I had kids, I had these great visions of what my life was going to be like as a stay at home mom.  And by great visions I mean TOTAL DELUSIONS. 

Let's discuss a few of those, shall we?

DELUSION:  The nursery is going to be stylish, sophisticated, and peaceful.

nursery delusion exhibit A

REALITY:  Lauren, will you please stop pulling the garbage bags off the window every time I change your diaper?  It's super annoying and I'm running out of duct tape.  And that laundry on the ottoman isn't going to fold itself.  Meh, I'll just grab shit out of there as I need it.

nursery reality exhibit B
DELUSION:  My children are always going to have fresh, nutritious snacks that are prepared with love, since I will have so much time on my hands considering all I am is a mom [NOPE NO TONE THERE, YOU READ IT WRONG.  NO TONE]. 

delicious nutritious snack delusion exhibit A

REALITY:  [at deli down the street] "Mama, can I have that big bag of pretzels?"  "yup.  Here." 

delicious nutritious snack reality exhibit B

delicious nutritious snack reality exhibit C
DELUSION:  I am going to have an awesome garden at my house.  Definitely with a water feature for relaxation. 
relaxing garden delusion exhibit A
REALITY:  Dude, I know when we saw this house before we bought it there was a tiny pond back up in here.  WHERE THE HELL IS IT?  I'm just going to hack away at all of these giant plants until I find it.  And then just leave these shears out here for like 7 days until they get all rusty, then I'll put them away. 
relaxing garden reality exhibit B
DELUSION:  I love DIY.  Since my kid is ripping the doors off their hinges at every nap and bedtime, maybe I'll put a cute shower curtain up like I saw on Pinterest.
cute shower curtain closet door delusion exhibit A

REALITY:  nailed it!  And yes, my 2 1/2 year old is still in a crib.  JUDGE AWAY. 
cute shower curtain closet door reality exhibit B
DELUSION:  I'm not going to be one of those moms that lets herself go.  I can still be cute, stylish and skinny.  Why get frazzled?  It only wastes precious energy.  I can totally look like this:
non frazzled mom delusion exhibit A
REALITY:  lookin' good, lady.  Keep it up. 
non frazzled mom reality exhibit B

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