Book Review

As any parent knows (patronizing alert!) along with your baby must come a slew of classic baby books that every baby family must have, regardless of what you think of these books (hint: zzzzz).  Don't get me wrong -- I love reading with Logie and books are a big part of our lives.  He unfortunately cannot be trusted with a book by himself yet (see Appendix A), but he is definitely into the whole ingesting the spine of the books reading thing.

I digress. 

I'd like to have a word with the person or group who "chose" these books that each child must have (lest the parents seem like they don't care about their child's literary start in life), because I really just don't get it. 

Below you find Austin Ali's literary review of several classics that currently sit in Logan's bookshelf.

Goodnight Moon:  Dude, this book is super creep.  I find the colors really grim.  That old lady bunny, that just sits and rocks away while the kid bunny sleeps?  I know she's supposedly knitting, but can't she face the window or something?  wtf?  And there's a GD FIRE running in the bunny's room!?  Isn't that kind of DANGEROUS?  I mean you'd think at first maybe that's why the old lady bunny is in there, to keep an eye on the fire and all, but then she's just GONE at the end.  Fire blazing away. 

The Runaway Bunny:  Listen, you little shit head baby bunny.  Your mama bunny went through a LOT to have you, raise you, etc. etc.  She worries sick about you.  And all you want to do is run away?  Why?  You better be nice to your mama bunny.  It makes me so sad that your mama bunny is willing to go to the ends of the earth for you (um trapeze artist?!), and then in the end you just sort of give in like "ok, fine, I'll stay here."  UM, so not cool.  If I were your mama bunny, I'd tell you to just stay in the fly fishing lake.  Well, I probably wouldn't.  But I'd be really sad if Logie turned out like you, all wanting to run away all the time.  Breaks my heart.

The Snowy Day:   YES I KNOW THIS IS LIKE THE MAJOR AWARD WINNING BOOK OF ALL TIME EVER.  I know this.  But really?  SNOOZE ALERT!  Seriously.  I believe it might be the most boring book I've ever read in my entire life.  Yes.  It's confirmed.  It is.    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz




Appendix A.



It WORKED!

No, I'm not talking about the new robot I put together.  Or the new slideshow I completed for Logan's birthday (omgit'sthecutestthingyou'lleverseeinyourwholelifeomgjustwaityoumightdie).

I'm talking about...

DINNER!


I COOKED A DINNER THAT DIDN'T SUCK!

yes, I ROASTED asparagus.  yep.  I just ROASTED them.  no prob.
you know, for this recipe I was following.  It was only 1 part of all the steps.
oh and we really need to redo that contractor backsplash like NOW. 

It was this really complicated pasta meal I found on Pinterest.  OK, maybe it's not THAT complicated but I had to do a REDUCTION.  Even Willis said, "is this your first sauce reduction?  That's like stage 2 at least of cooking."  Well said, Willis.  Well said.  Maybe you'll even get lucky tonight for saying that.  OMG DAD / POPS TOTALLY KIDDDDDINGGGG!

wolf baby

guns

Yes, I have posted 3 times in one day.

I have a serious bee in my bonnet to make perfect 1-shaped cupcakes for Logie's first birthday party.  I will not shower/pee/eat until I find these. 

In my quest, I came across this:

this is a cupcake mold.

OMG. 

IMAGINE!?

Childproofing fail.

the kitchen was in this state for a good 45 minutes this morning.

Guinness Book of Baby Records....

***URGENT GENIUS BABY ALERT***

Last night I said to Logan (after getting him down to his skivvies in the TV room), "come on Logie!  It's bathtime!  Follow mama to the bath!"

AND HE DID.  HE CRAWLED ALL THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM, WHICH IS LIKE 48 ROOMS AWAY (1/2 mile at the very least), then stood up on the side of the tub.

I had heard of other babies doing this (Alice H., for one -- but she is a MUCH OLDER baby) but just didn't believe it was possible.

***OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE AT 12:00PM CST****

A Recent Correspondence

---

From: Austin Ali

Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 8:46 AM
To: 'info@vansfoods.com'
Subject: Organics Blueberry

Hello,

We eat your waffles a lot, so I thought you would like to know that this is the second time I have encountered waffles that look like bites have been taken out of them right out of the box.  Below is the waffle information, and attached you will find a picture.

Organics Blueberry with vitamin boost

Lot: 2382426411A3

Sku: 8994730217

I also submitted a comment on your website.

Thank you,

Austin Ali 

---

From: Van's Natural Foods [mailto:info@vansfoods.com]
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 5:13 PM
To: Austin Ali

Subject: RE: Organics Blueberry

Dear Austin Ali,

Thank you so much for contacting us at Van’s Foods, and writing about your recent experience with our product. I would like to assure you that I’ve sent your feedback to Quality Control and Product Development. Please be assured that we work hard to deliver you the best product we can and we hope you’ll continue to be a valued Van’s customer. In any case, thank you for bringing this to our attention. If you reply back with your address, I would be happy to mail you a replacement coupon.

Very best,  The Team at Van's     www.vansfoods.com

 

---

And wouldn't you know I SURE DID reply back with my address.  Anyone want to take a wild guess at what was sitting in my mailbox this afternoon?  Anyone?

how can you NOT love a waffle company that has
THEIR OWN WAFFLE STATIONERY?

You guessed it!  One might say I'm high maintenance, or maybe even a little... bored. 

But, I'll be eating free waffles for the next month.  Will you?

Polka Dog for President!

Austin Ali would like to give a big shout out to Polka Dog Bakery in Boston for getting picked up by... wait for it....

TARGET, YO!  OMG!  how exciting is this!?

CHECK IT OUT HERE AND HERE.

POLKA DOG, YOU ARE TOTALLY FAMOUS... which means that I am basically famous, CONSIDERING I STEPPED IN THE AMNIOTIC FLUID OF NONE OTHER THAN MRS. P-D herself!  (If you send me a  self-addressed stamped envelope, I'll mail you out an autograph.  Please allow 6-9 weeks for delivery.)

this tshirt's gonna be worth CASH one day baby!

baby model Logan

easy breezy in my P-D shirt

"oh you don't have a P-D shirt?  Oh.
They're sort of like my FAMILY."

Way to go you guys!

Dinner

This housewife thing is really going well.  Tonight I made a delicious beef stroganoff in the crockpot.

Here is what I had in mind:

As you can see, mine turned out just like the picture. 

Notice how similar it looks on the plate: 

Willis said, "mmm.  homogeneous."  Thanks, Willis.  You can totally hear him chowing down on his cesar salad, btw. 

Willis also demanded that I save the specimen for leftovers [saint husband alert!].  As I was slapping it in the Pyrex*, he found a little gem from the side of the crockpot that he wanted to make sure didn't get tossed:

"that's the best part."  Personally I think it resembles a
scorpoion or some sort of exoskeleton or maybe even a turd?

sick.

*Tuppe's gonna kill you guys, you should totally switch to glass storage YESTERDAY!

HOUSEWIFE EXTRAORDINAIRE

Oh sorry if I couldn't answer your call earlier, I was probably busy doing one of the following:

- SEARING pork chops for a dinner recipe for tonight and then neatly placing them in a CROCKPOT
- oh and possibly MINCING the onions too that go on top
- bringing in the herbie curbies
- MAKING MY HUSBAND HIS LUNCH
- feeding my baby
- doing laundry *

At least I had time to stop and take a picture of myself:

silly rain, always makes my bangs a little bunchy

*ALREADY DID THIS LAST NIGHT, SUKAAAAAAHS

"ehhhh"

Let's set the stage.

I step out of the [totally scorching hot and amazing] bubble bath a few minutes ago to talk to Willis about my new plan.  I'm in a towel, he's in the big chair in the front room watching golf.

me:  "Let's just sell out.  Fuck all of this.  Fuck the norm, fuck what we are supposed to do... let's just leave.  Let's go live in the mountains in a little cabin where there is no internet, no phone, no nothing.  A log cabin."

Willis:  "That sounds great.  But let's go THERE [points to TV].  It's this awesome golf course in Maui.  I could totally sell out and go there."

me:  "no Willis.  When you sell out you have to like go to a log cabin or something.  You like give it all up.  Let's go to a cabin.  In the middle of the woods, and just leave.  I'll home school Logan, and life will be great."

Willis:  "Ehhh..."

me:  "what do mean, 'ehhh'? You don't want to go?"

Willis:  "no, I want to go.  [pause]  I guess I could help with Logie's math portion of the homeschooling when I got home?"

I'm sorry, who are you?