The Inspection.

Home inspection.

I was half expecting to hear that the house was sinking into quick sand or that the roof was made of Reynolds Wrap just because I.love.this.house.so.much.  Well, the house isn't sinking and the roof is indeed made of materials other than aluminum foil, but we got some other news that I.WAS.NOT.EXPECTING.

Jimmy the Inspector (who was wearing striped tube socks in the house, sans shoes) was about 15 minutes into explaining his findings to us when he brought up The Attic.  I was feeling really calm and confident about my new house [THOUGHT PROCESS: that's all you've got? a few buckled shingles?  this house is so perfect just like I knew it was...].  I had even kind of started tuning out Jimmy the Inspector, all the while wondering why he chose those socks when he was getting dressed this morning...

Until....

Jimmy the Inspector: "Oh yeah, and in the attic there is evidence of rat activity."

[a few seconds pass while I stop starting at my precious sleeping baby and realize what this man has just told me]

me: "Excuse me?  Did you say RAT activity?"

Jimmy the Inspector:  "Yes ma'am.  And the insulation isn't up to new energy standards, and th-..."

***ME, INTERRUPTING***

me:  "YOU SAID RATS?  LIKE RODENTS?  THERE ARE RATS LIVING IN THE ATTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?  LIKE ABOVE OUR HEADS!!!!!!!!?"

Jimmy the Inspector:  "Yes ma'am.  I didn't come face to face with any of 'em, but they're up there.  Pretty common here.  Those and 'coons, I mean be glad you don't have 'coons up there."

me: "Jimmy, I would rather you tell me there was a HOMELESS MAN living in my new attic than rats.  RATS????"

Jimmy the Inspector of course thought this was just so hilarious.  And the rest of the time as he was explaining his findings, all I could do was focus on THE RATS. 

Jimmy the Inspector:  "The insulation needs to be replaced in the attic, it's not as thick as it should be."

me: "Oh I'm sure that's just from The Rats sleeping on it over time.  You know, kind of flattened a little from the weight of all of the rats."

Jimmy the Inspector: "The AC unit is filthy, it needs to be serviced."

me:  "Probably from all of the rat fur."

Jimmy the Inspector:  "There is a random leak stain of unknown origin right there."

me:  "Oh I'm sure it's just where the rats urinate."

And on and on.
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Lise told me it might be a deal breaker for her, so when I told Willis that he got nervous said, "I bet Lisa has them in her attic too and she just doesn't know." So I made sure to tell her this immediately, to which she answered, "Maybe... but at least our inspector didn't find rat beds in our insulation.... ignorance is bliss baby!!"

So now it all comes down to this:  How badly do I want this house?  I mean would it be unreasonable to keep an exterminator on retainer?  Or better yet... have him move into the guest room??  Sorry, Mimi and Pops, you can sleep in the garage when you visit next -- Randy the Exterminator has moved into the other guest room.