Austin Ali: One and Done?

There is a daily (and by daily I mean hourly) discussion happening in the Austin Ali house these days.

Want to guess what it is?

Yes, Logie's diapers are always front and center -- good guess. But that's not what I'm talking about.  Diapers and shit are just a given. (Speaking of, here's a text that Willis rec'd today while he was in a big meeting. Skip over if you don't like reading about turds. But really, if you don't like reading about turds, then maybe we shouldn't even be friends, right? text: "I saved Logans diaper for u. It has real turds in it. I'm sorry it totally reeks but ur the only one that hasn't unsubscribed from my poo list."

But, I digress.

here it is. the major debate.

ARE WE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER KID?

It really is a CONSTANT battle in my head.  Which means Willis gets pummeled with questions every 67 minutes. "Willis? Are we gonna have another baby?" "Willis, do you think this time in 5 years we'll have two kids?"  Willis said last night he's 60/40 on the whole gig.  And I am so undecided I can't even decide how undecided I am.

Here's what is going on in my head.

Having Logie is obvs the best thing I have ever done (and will ever do) in my entire life. I mean, of course meeting Willis and marrying him, etc. etc. was really great too, but as Willis and I have both established, we'd pick Logie if the ship was sinking.  We're open about it. It's ok.

But see, whenever anything challenging or worrisome happens with Logie (hi stomach virus, thank you for allowing me to witness the most terrifying thing ever in my entire life -- a baby puking -- thanks again), I immediately say, "nope. That's it. Logie's it, sorry Logie, you're it." But then I start thinking about Logie when he's like 14 and all of his friends are on spring break with their families playing in the surf with their big brothers and Logie's all alone with Willis and me, bored out of his mind. But then I worry that he and his brother/sister won't get along anyway and Logie starts asking, "why did you do this? I hate my brother." and then I start wondering the same thing. Like shit, sorry Loges, we did this for you... do you not want that brother or sister after all? Hmmm. Real pickle here, son.

And while we're on that subject, I mean, how could I possibly ever love another baby as much as I love Logan? Sorry baby #2, but Logie's the real deal. How can you compete with the coolest baby on earth? You can't.

Then I start to think about those horrendously wonderful first newborn days with that teensy eensy little squeaking cuddly baby and I think that we HAVE to do it again, right? That other dimension. We have to go back again, right? But it was so.... horrible at times. Right? It was just horrible because we didn't know what we were doing, right? Was it misery?  It really wasn't. I miss those days.

But do I?

And then I start thinking about the horrendously horrendous pregnancy, too. The worry. The constant, constant worry.  The crying spells.... hormones... diabetes.... cankles... AH! I mean, how could I possibly do that again to myself, and more importantly, everyone around me??

And the bfeeding. My God, the bfeeding. And that fucking pump that started talking to me by the end, saying "Oprah! Oprah!  Oprah!"  BREASTfeeding. By far the hardest thing I have ever done, but now it's just so easy. How could it possibly be hard again the second time around?  I'm so attached to it now. Logie will probably be that kid walking up to his mama fresh off the school bus from 1st grade, still going strong. (Please intervene if he is walking up to the boob. TIA.) I mean, I have to experience this with another little baby, right?

But then there's the postpartum depression. My God, I was crazy. I truly think I was one crying spell away from a padded room at the local mental ward.  Poor Willis. And let's not even TALK about the c-section drugs not working. Really... I mean, how much time do you have, anyway?
GAH!

WELL, WHICH ONE IS IT? IS IT YES, OR NO?

who wins?

I can't even believe that these days are already a distant memory....