Austin Ali: We Don't Want Any

If you have been to my house, you know that I have a little [cheeseball] ho-made-it sign on my front porch that says "No Soliciting" (with a tiny 'thank you' at the bottom) hanging from an outside outlet. Like a cranky, crotchety 85 year old man (no offense, Willis) would have on his front porch.

This is code for "GO AWAY"

Everyone has their "thing" -- and while I am aware that I have a few (and by few I mean thousands) more than the average Joe, people who LITTER.MY.DOOR.WITH.FLYERS.AND.THE.LIKE is a big one for me. HUGE.

I've tried breaking it down in my head, and I'm not sure WHY this bothers me so much.  But I think it boils down to stranger-dangers being on my property, uninvited.

Friday was the final straw. I was heading out to Costco while sweet baby Logan was taking a snooze (don't worry, Willis was WFH) and as I opened the door, a flyer from Dwayne's D.A.D lawn care service fell to the ground.   I had HAD it. Having just been out in the front yard to inspect the baby raccoon holes from the night before (there is no way I can be mad anymore about the holes all over my front yard now that I know they are baby raccoons -- I mean, how cute???) I knew that DWAYNE had JUST been at my door.

So, I decided to find him*.

It didn't take long. You can spot these guys a million miles away -- iPod headphone cord, and arms full of white paper. So I pulled over and rolled down my window.

me (hanging out the window): "Hey! Are you the lawn service people?"
Mexican dude wearing youth ministries tshirt: "no, I just pass out the flyers."
[EDITOR'S NOTE: In retrospect, this is the moment I should've let the poor lad go on his merry way, considering he was wearing a youth ministry t shirt and all. But I was all riled up.]
me (still hanging out the window): "Well, you just put a flyer on my door, right next to a sign that says "NO SOLICITING!!!!! Did you see the sign?"
Mexican dude wearing youth ministries tshirt: "I didn't see it."
me: "WELL PAY ATTENTION! I AM SICK OF MY DOOR BEING LITTERED WITH TRASH EVERY.DAY.OF.THE.WEEK."
Mexican dude wearing youth ministries tshirt:  "I sorry, I didn't see."

Of course the second I pulled away I felt TERRIBLE about it, and my trip to Costco was not as enjoyable as it would have been if I hadn't just unleashed on a poor guy trying to make a few extra bucks to help out his youth ministry with a side job passing out flyers.

So, when I got home, I decided to call Dwayne*.  From the flyer.

Dwayne: "Hello?"
me: "Is this Dwayne from D.A.D's lawn service company?"
Dwayne: "Yes, can I help you?"
me: "Yes. Yes you can. You can stop littering my front door with paper.  Especially since there is a NO SOLICITING sign hanging in plain view. That means I don't want any. Tell your people to PAY ATTENTION!!"
Dwayne (obviously having had this conversation a time or twenty in his life): "I am well within my right to leave a flyer on your door. I have spoken with the police about it. Call them if you want. Soliciting is when I knock on your door and try to sell you something. Go ahead, call the police on me if you want."
me: "Yeah? Maybe I will. And I was actually looking for a lawn service company [lie] but now that you've put litter on my door, I am not going to use your services."
Dwayne: "That's fine, but I get a ton of business this way, especially in YOUR neighborhood."
me: "Yeah? Well I'm going to go door-to-door and tell every single one of my neighbors never to use your company*."
Dwayne: "I will pray for you**."

PICTURE TIME!