Is this goodbye?

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok

As I was frying up bacon this morning before Willis left for golf, it occurred to me that today might be the last time EVER in my life where I wake up and think, "what the hell am I going to DO today?"  (Tomorrow we are going car shopping for Logan's new ride, and Monday Mimi and Pops arrive.)

So now I'm feeling all this pressure to do something with my time today besides watching old episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker on DVR in my PJs.  BUT WHAT?  I'm here without a car so can't really go get a mani or a haircut or anything, and considering Logan is standing on my bladder, it's hard to get around.  And I can't very well get drunk and smoke a pack of butts, either.  Bake a pie?  Can't have sugar (and can't bake).  Clean?  Eh -- like I said, Mimi is coming on Monday.

When I asked Roomie what I should do, her thought was, "something crazy... like the most selfish thing you can think of" to which I replied, "well that's all I've been doing Roomie."  Then Court called to say, "better be enjoying the last weekend of freedom!" and I told her I was just planning on sitting in a chair all day. 

Well I guess I COULD go take a shower...  eh, or just keep sitting in this chair. 

OH -- really quick -- if this is my last post before Logan bear, it has been really nice knowing everyone!  Just kidding.  But I have a feeling you won't be hearing from me for a bit.  But don't worry (CAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE), Willis will be sending out an email from my Outlook on Tuesday with the news.  We'll be at the hospital Tuesday - Friday....  But hey, who knows - maybe I'll be blogging away from my hospital bed...  stay tuned!

AH!

zzzzzzzzzzz

hello! 

I know, I know, I've been really slacking lately.  But considering it takes me about 2 hours to take a shower and get ready because I'm moving so slow these days, Austin Ali has kind of fallen to the wayside.  And that's when I muster up the energy to even take a shower.  It doesn't take me that long to pick out an outfit, though, considering I wear the same thing every day.

We thought AGAIN yesterday that it might be go-time for Logan bear.  After several "potential labor" events at the specialist doc I see, they sent me over to my regular doc to "get checked" and to get her opinion on what was going on.  The words, "hmmm, I mean I guess we COULD just go ahead with the csection today.... hmmm... get dressed and let me think about this" flew out of her mouth, and I almost had a heart attack.  Especially considering Willis was stuck at work without a car (whole 'nother story -- looks like Logan bear is getting a new ride!) and Mimi and Pops aren't coming til Monday. 

ANYWAY, doc came back in and said she really prefers to wait until 39 weeks (I'm 38 weeks 5 days), so those 2 days saved me.  WHEW! 

So, Austin Ali has decided she isn't leaving her house for the next 4 days.  I'll be here, in Willis's Big Chair if anyone needs me.

PS - Does it make you kind of weak in the butt when Ellen dances?

Willis stole some of these from the hospital for diaper changes.

Screen

Lookin' good! 

We think we're gonna tag it up to make it extra ghetto.  You know, add some graffiti with some spray paint maybe?  I mean I know lots of people who have screen doors inside their house, leading to another room, inside their house.  Don't you?

123456789

 

O.M.G.


 That's 9 more sleeps!  Sophie the Giraffe represents The Big Day.

How sick are you of the countdown!?  Imagine living here.  I'm like Rain Man or a parrot that won't shut up.  "[insert #] more sleeps.  [insert #] more days.  [insert #] more dinners.   I only have to test my blood sugar 32 more times.  This is probably the last time we'll go to brunch without Logan."  ETC. ETC. ETC.  

Check out my niece!  This is Petunia and she lives in Maine now.  Catherine is her mom.  Apparently it has been so cold that she was shrieking when she went outside to pee (and poo) because her poor paws were too cold!  I think the only thing she is missing are legwarmers.  Her sweater is so refined!

It's almost as if she is a table, just waiting for something to
be set on her.

Fun fact:  Willis and Tuner bonded right off the bat when they first met six years ago.  She had eaten some sort of toy and was trying to poo out the stuffing, so Willis had to, er, help her along using some leaves.  He is convinced that she looks at him differently -- like in a loving way.  And I think that was the moment I knew I loved Willis.  We were semi-hammered in the South End when this happened, if I recall.  2004. 

So excited about her new kicks. 

And check out more pics of the snow fort!  Photos courtesy of Aaron -- soon to be Uncle Aaron.

MY PAWS ARE COLD!  ARRRR RRRR ARRRR!!!!!!

Such good light. 

Only the Coolest Thing EVER Happened Tonight...

And no, I'm not talking about the 48 contractions I had while out to dinner with some friends....

I'm talking about how we ran into Logan's first doctor at dinner -- THE WHOLE REASON HE IS HERE! 

As soon as he sat down with his [sweet] wife (my old doctor, not Logan) I of course ran right up to their table like a raving lunatic with tears in my eyes, pointing to my belly.  "Oh gosh I'm so sorry to interrupt and I'm sure you get this all the time -- BUT HI DR. VAUGHN!  It's all because of you we are having Logan -- this is Logan -- LOOK!!! [pointing to ginormous belly as if he couldn't see it.]  He's coming a week from Tuesday!!!  Thank you thank you!!!!"  James came up at that point and shook his hand, just as Dr. V was saying "well that's great -- and everything is ok I assume?"  And then I stammered something about him being my hero. 

Dear God.

But seriously, how cool is that?  Full circle I think, considering it's just about go-time for Logan bear and we haven't seen Dr. V since June, just when he was a teeny tiny zygote (Logan, not the doctor) ... all made possible by Dr. V himself!  Well Willis obv had a little something to do with it too... but still.

Love it!

We heart you, Dr. Vaughn!

Tit Sippin'

There are several words in the English language that make me extremely bunchy and feel all weak in the butt, and breast happens to be in the top 3 of this list. (MOIST and PANTIES are the other culprits, but I'm not sure which is first.  But now that I think about it, I'd venture to say that BREAST is the winner.)

Anyway, we all know what comes along with babies, and that's BREASTfeeding.  BREAST BREAST BREAST -- EW!  hatred.  No mas. 

So, I'm trying to come up with an alternative name for this  _ _ _ _ _ _ feeding business.  Willis said he thinks it could be called "Tit Sippin' " but I'm not sure I could deal with saying and hearing "tit" 1,000 times a day.  Cath and Aaron suggested "Teating" or "Mammory Munching," but I also can't handle the word "munching."  And "teating" sounds too much like "texting."  Roomie suggested "suckling" but that sort of reminds me of a baby Robin for some reason.  And I don't want to think of Logan as a baby bird.  Logan with a beak!?

Logan's latest ultrasound picture?

"Nursing" might seem like the next logical choice, but I find that word slightly annoying as well because I picture an older woman (no offense, mom) in an old-timey nursing outfit that wears white-ish pantyhose that make a swishing sound when she walks.

This is why the word "nursing" is a no-go.

So this, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call a good old fashioned predicament!  Good thing I have a while to figure it out.  WAIT, NO I DON'T!  woot woot!!!!!

Layers

"And then I'll sew up all of the layers."

I'm sure you haven't noticed, but I tend to obsess about things.  And if something has been said or if I have seen something that bothers me, it gets stuck on replay in my mind.  STUCK.ON.REPLAY.  Well, these are the words that have been playing over and over and over and over and over and over in my mind since a doc appointment for the last 2 days.

"And then I'll sew up all of the layers."

I would imagine that a lot of people want to hear the play by play of what's going to happen when they go under the knife from their doctor, but I'm not one of them.  Which is sort of surprising to me because I'll spend 3 weeks researching what kind of butter I should be using and then AGONIZING over the final decision, but something like this I want to turn a blind eye.  Psychoanalyze away, people.

"And then I'll sew up all of the layers."

Gotta go get ready for my THIRD TO LAST Dr's appt!  ah!

"And then I'll sew up all of the layers."

this is how many days we have til we get to meet baby logan.

picture pages

Do you remember that show, Picture Pages with Bill Cosby?  Only the best show EVER.

Anyway...  here are a few pics for your viewing pleasure.

I think it looks fake-y it's so big.  Taken today. 

EARLY DAYS:  This was in August on my last trip
to Boston for work.  Logan sure is a good grower.

IS THIS NOT THE CUTEST THING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN?

SERIOUSLY

The other night at dinner, Willis said
"look, they named a beer after you."

can't even handle it.

bottle stew

Sox is acting a little crazy with all of the nesting going on.

Logan's bottles are in the cabinet!!!!!!!!!!!!
(1) Yes, those are Christmas mugs still in the cabinet.
(2) And Metamucil, peering out from the back.

Imagine if I said this was Logan's going home from the
hospital outfit?

And the grand finale -- why my brother Aaron is so awesome -- a snow fort!

14 more sleeps.......

Not that I'm around people who ride around in limos and livery cars a lot (or ever), but I find it so obnoxious that when getting out of said cars, they can't even close the door themselves.  I'm referring to Taylor's husband on RHOBH.  And yes, I am WELL AWARE that I am in desperate need of a life.

I'd like to give a shout out to my readers in Slovenia, by the way -- hi Slovenia!  Who are you?  Show yourselves!  Leave Austin Ali a comment!  Germany hasn't checked in in a while, but France was just here a few days ago.  Hi France!  I once saw a man taking a poo in the middle of the street in Paris when I was studying abroad in college, by the way.

Want to see where other Austin Ali readers are from, other than the good ol USofA?  Sure you do:

Canada

Mexico

United Kingdom

India

Slovenia

Italy

Ireland

Germany

Croatia

On a local note, last night Willis and I were talking about his Other Family (golf), and I asked him if he was nervous about not being able to play whenever he wants once Logan bear is here.  Then I said, "well at least the driving range is just right down the street -- you can still do that a lot, right?"  And he said, "that's like telling someone who loves to cook to just stand in a kitchen and chop onions all day, but they can't cook them."  Oh Willis!

Logan, DC, Willis and I are all heading to the hospital to meet Logan's new girlfriend Margot in a little while.  Logan sent Margot some flowers asking her to be his valentine, and she said yes!  He likes the older ladies..................
This time two weeks from now Logan will here.  We are 100% beside ourselves.  I can't look at pictures of babies or see any on TV without crying!

Check out the expiration date!  Logan will basically be in
college by the time this goes bad.

3 things

(1)  The other night I had a dream that we were deciding between the names Conan and Relaxin for the baby instead of Logan.

(2)  I guess when Willis was packing my bag for the hospital last Monday (which is something I was supposed to do at 35 weeks, btw) he packed my deodorant, but I didn't realize it until Wednesday when I went looking to use it again.

(3)  Logan's girlfriend is on her way into the world!  Any minute now.  We are so excited we can hardly contain ourselves!  Logan is celebrating by having a nice case of the hiccups as we speak.

Baby HUH?

Willis and I have just returned from our last class, Baby Care Basics.  This was intended to be the grand finale of all of the classes for us -- the class that answered all remaining questions we have about caring for baby Logan.

Instead, it has left me feeling panicky that I have no idea what the hell to do with this precious baby we are about to have (who God willing will be coming home with us on February 4th). 

The class was set up with us first watching videos from 1972 about wiping butts, bathing the baby, boiling bottles, etc., and then there were "learning stations" for us to practice with a (fake but stinky) baby.  Willis said he can't stop thinking about the diaper explosion of a massive shit that they showed on one of the videos, but I found that part funny.  In fact, during our class break it dawned on me that we should start a contest of who has the worst diaper change once Logan is here.  We can post pictures on a bulletin board in Logan's room of The Worst Diaper Yet.  I can't wait.

Also during our break a hospital worker who was wheeling a wheelchair towards the ER stopped in front of us and asked, "oh, do you all need a wheelchair?!?" as I was trying to sit down on a couch.  Um, no, but thanks for asking.

We ended up leaving the class / baby learning station part early because (1) I couldn't deal with touching all of the things everyone kept sneezing on and (2) I got completely overwhelmed when I realized I would have likely torn a real baby's arm out of his socket putting on a onesie.  Willis is of course a natural and has infant experience because of his nephews, so at least one of us will know what the hell to do.

I'M SCARED.

tired

Logan gave a little wave today at his ultrasound.  "HEEEEEY"

I'm running out of steam, and quick!  Just a quick pop-in to say hello... 

...And to let you know not to get a hot-stone pedicure with extra leg massage when you're 36+ pregs.  It can send you sailing into pre-pre term labor, as it did for me on Monday.

I was planning on going to prego yoga with a friend, but it was cancelled (thank God, considering my hands were numb) so we just went to her place to pick out her baby girl's (aka Logan's girlfriend) coming home from the hospital outfit.  She is due 2 weeks before me, which to me is like a million years.  She is like ADVANCED PREGO. 

After the pedi (and getting stuck on the brow waxing table -- story for another time) I went home to take a nap since I had exerted myself so much, then woke up about an hour later with EXTREMELY PAINFUL CONTRACTIONS.  I was also sweating like a pig.  And stuck on my side.

I remained stuck on my side for a good 15 mins, holding my Bberry in my hand wondering what the hell to do.  Roomie happened to text during this and I gibberishly texted something along the lines of "stuck on side painful contracts wondering what to do" and she wrote back "call doc."  I was planning on calling the doc as soon as I woke up in that predicament, but I couldn't really breathe enough to even cry, let alone call someone.  Well, except I was totally crying. 

I managed to call Willis at work about 25 minutes later (who did indeed have his phone turned on, thank you very much).  He was home and packing stuff up less than 10 minutes later, as calm as can be.  With me still stuck on my side.

Fast forward a few hours to me + another hot johnny gown + an IV with a nice narcotics cocktail.  I was hammered in about 2.8 seconds.  It was wonderful.

We were back home by 9:30p or so (with some more sleepytime, lala land drugs for Austin Ali in hand) after things calmed down and they determined I wasn't in active labor.  And no, once again you sure DON'T want to know how they determined this.  The next morning I had a doc appt and she asked, "are you still working?"  and when I answered "no" she said, "good.  Just rest for you from here on out."  I almost chimed in, "but that's all I've done since September" but I didn't.  Then she said, "I sure hope that pedi was good, considering it's your last until February." 

Anyway, despite Dr.'s orders to rest, Monday's performance sent me into a nesting FRENZY getting everything done that we had put off.  So now I am absolutely, 100% exhausted.  I couldn't even muster up the energy for a blog post. 

Which leads me to the following question:  If I am too tired NOW to blog, before the little man is here, is this the end of Austin Ali!?  Will it die a slow death, or just END?? 

Before.... and AFTER

Austin Ali's hipsters are still wondering what they did
to deserve the spot in the back of the undie drawer.

There really are no words.  Let's express ourselves using this song instead.  Make sure your volume is up nice and loud, people.   

Yesterday I texted Willis a picture of the package (of the granny pans people, the granny pans) as he was out watching football and his response was, "pretty sweet bb.  rrrrrrrr."  But then I immediately regretted my decision and was worried he wouldn't come home.  (Don't worry, he came home just in time to go back out and get us a pizza for dinner while I was finishing up my nap.)

Yes, that is a cheese stick wrapper next to my new friends.

purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I'm not gonna take it.... anymoooore

And no, I'm not referring to being pregs.  I'm referring to CNN Breaking News.  Really, CNN Breaking News?  You send FOUR "breaking news" announcements about the same shooting at a grocery store in AZ, saying some politician died, then send ANOTHER one to say you were wrong and the person isn't dead?  Come on.  Ever heard of a little story about the boy who cried wolf?  Stop trying to be Tally McTattletale-first-to-know-everything and get it right.  I am considering unsubscribing to your email service -- WHICH I KNOW WOULD REALLY MATTER TO YOU.

By the way, I think that I have figured out a part time gig to make a little extra cash, but it has to happen quick.  My service would be called, "PREGO PSA:  What nobody tells you happens when you're preg."  I could be a speaker-for-hire that gives talks to middle school and high school girls about what will REALLY happen to you/your body (the word "body" kind of makes me feel weak in the butt, by the way) if you do the dirty deed and get knocked up.  I would stand (well maybe sit in a chair with a matching ottoman) at a podium in a big gym with some blown up pictures of various parts of my deformed body to really make an impact.  "Look, kids, at what happens to your feet.  And do you REALLY want to be sporting these sweet arm braces to Friday night's football game?  This picture here on the right shows the deep, red stretch marks that you get.  Look, they are so deep there is even some lint stuck in the one on the bottom left.  THINK JOHNNY'S GONNA LIKE YOU NOW!?!??!?!" 

I bet the teenage prego rate would plummet. 

Today Willis and I went to Costco and I was whining about my back so Willis deposited me in the below chair / ottoman while he went hunting and gathering for our paper products, then came back to pick me up to leave.  It was awesome.  AND YES, I AM WELL AWARE THAT I LOOK LIKE A BEACHED WHALE. 

I had a whale of a time today at Costco.

And don't worry, I have a backup plan in case my PSA speaker business doesn't work out.  The show "Hoarders:  Buried Alive" wants to pay me to use the below pictures of our garage.  ALL baby boxes.  I was too paranoid to throw anything away (issssueeeeesssssss), but it had gotten so bad it was even bothering Willis.  So, I finally gave in and let him throw all of them away.  As I was protesting he pointed to the chain/Little Willis and firmly said, "ALI." 

Willis meant business. 

Off to get ready for some friends to come over for dinner!  And by getting ready for friends coming over for dinner I mean supervise Willis Dysoning. 

H O T - M A M A

I feel like I would do really well on a show like "Survivor"

Do you think that when Willis married me, he had any idea that in just 2 short years from then he would be living with THIS?  I was about to take my blood sugar last night and realized what I sight I must be, so asked Willis to take a snapshot.  Just a normal night in the Austin Ali household. 

**WARNING REALLY GROSS PICTURE BELOW**

And here's one from tonight.  ISN'T THIS SICK?  Please disregard my urgent need for a pedi -- I'll go next week.  Willis said it looks to him like a picture that would be in a medical journal as an example of something bad.  And my friend Julie said, "that is not normal swollen Ali...that shit must hurt!!"  I also torture my friend Tyll with pictures like this to prepare her for when she is prego, and tonight her response was, "yup getting a surrogate."  I honestly didn't think it looked THAT bad, but Willis reminded me that I USED to have teeny ankles and that my bone used to really jut out.  Right.


I wonder if I'll be able to fit into my Luccheses ever again.
I'm thinking a big fat no.

I also wonder if Willis was prepared for the things he was going to be hearing out of his wife's mouth on a regular basis.  He wasn't able to go to the doc appointment yesterday b/c he was swamped with work, but I kept him updated so he didn't feel left out:

-----Original Message-----

From: Ali

Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2011 17:16:50

To: James

I always feel a little cocky after leaving my pee sample in the cuboard if mine is lighter than the others.  Like "I'm more hydrated than THOSE people."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Thirsty Thursday... Oh, wait

Geez, it's already Thursday!?  What the hell have I been doing this week?  Other than waking up at 5am, unable to go back to sleep?

Well I know ONE thing I have done -- and it's Big Exciting News -- but I'll post about that later (don't.feel.like.downloading.pictures.off.of.big.camera).

I think I'm going to just start randomly replying to people's posts on Facebook -- specifically the "friends" I have who I haven't spoken to in years, and likely wouldn't recognize on the street if I saw them now.  For example, "Happy Birthday to my AMAZING husband!!!!!  I love you so much!!!!!" would get a reply from me, "You too, sweetie."  And how about the, "Does anyone want to watch the kids on Sunday night?" from some chick I went to high school with who now lives in North Carolina would get a reply from me, "sure, but I'm only free until 9:30p." 

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE CHAIN?  At this time in 26 days we'll be an hour away from meeting Logan!!!!  It's in the books.... for 9am!  I think it's important you know this so that you can coordinate your flower, chocolate and gift deliveries accordingly.

Little Willis is wearing the "Full Term Hat"...
meaning if Logan comes on that day or any day after,
he's a full blown, for real baby! 
Oh and we pull from the left so that's like NO TIME AT ALL.

I also wanted to share a picture of the sweet hand braces I'm sporting now due to the heinous carpal tunnel that has appeared out of nowhere.  I might win the award for Biggest Complainer and/or Drama Queen in Texas, but I'm not making this shit up.  WTF? 

Willis is still sleeping and I'm wondering if I should wake him up since I made him bacon.............

bye!

Will

Cath just got a message on her voicemail from yours truly that said, "hey just calling you back.  I think we talked about this over Thanksgiving but I just thought I'd let you know I'm naming you and Aaron as guardians for Logan in my will, and you will also be trust overseers for him.  K, hope you're having a good day!"  Maybe you aren't supposed to leave messages like that on people's voicemails, but it's probably better I let her know in case Willis and I croak in the time it takes for her to call me back, right?  That's what I thought. 

But as I was going through the will more, I realized that I'm too superstitious to name Logan as my "child" since he's not here yet.  So, there's yet another "thing" that has to wait until he's actually here for me to do.  Last night I told Willis I wanted to order these hanging tiles for Logan's nursery with his name on them, but even Willis was too spooked for that.  He said, "shouldn't we have a birth certificate in hand with his name on it before doing stuff like that?"  I LOVE that my neurosis is wearing off on Willis, too.  Love.

I'm too overwhelmed to do anymore baby-related things right now, so I'm off to research beach houses for a family vaca we are planning!  Woot woot!  It was totally my idea and everyone loves it, by the way.  Big pat on the back, taking a bow. 

Love,
The Cankles

Lookin' hot.

1 MONTH!

Well hello!  I hope everyone had a fantastic NYE celebration!  I have to say, it sure was nice not waking up with a hangover (hi first time in 16 years...uh we started early in good ol Lexington Kentucky you see...our poor parents...), even if I couldn't stay up for the actual central time new year.  Poor Willis, chillin on the couch all by himself on NYE with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin. 

Had a nice visit with the 'rents, where we discovered that Logan is for sure coming via c-sec... ON FEBRUARY 1ST!  So we got to shave a few days off the top...  hooray!  It's funny, I think these days it's kind of faux pas to be happy about getting a c-sec for whatever reason, but I'm kind of relieved.  I know that the recovery is bad, it's not "natural" etc. etc., but can you really imagine me pushing out a huge baby??  You know, sucking it up, "JUST ONE MORE PUSH -- YOU CAN DO IT ALI!!!" ???  I sure can't.  And never could.  I think Willis might be a bit relieved as well, considering now he doesn't have to be my "labor coach."  Thank goodness for my parents, who will be back out for a few weeks after to help.

Speaking of parents helping, my mom fixed The Heinous paintings I was working on!  They looked like a four year old's paint-by-number project until artist Mama Kegs stepped in.  I have some pictures of her in action, but that would require me getting out of my seat to download them from the new camera.  Oh, did I say seat?!  We have a new addition to the family!  We got a new guy from Ikea last night, so now both Willis and I have comfy places to sit.  Of course bringing it home then entailed [Willis] rearranging the living room twice along with the dining room, but now it's nice and cozy in here.  Willis loves to rearrange furniture. 

Want to see the latest pic of Mr. Logan Bear?  I'm sure this is super creepy looking for everyone but HIS PARENTS (omg, that's Willis and me -- PARENTSSSSSSSSS OMG), but I'm just dying that his little eyes are open, and he's resting his little hand on his cheek.  And look at his little nose!  LOGAN! 

Yesterday Willis and I were out to lunch and he was talking about how he was dreading going back to work after all of his time off (his company shuts down from before Christmas through New Years, so he has had 12 days off in a row).  Then he said, "wait, so this is what life is like for you all the time, huh?  I mean I know you are pregnant and making a baby and all, but you can just do whatever the hell you want, whenever you want...?  Man that's pretty awesome."  Like it had just occurred to him.  I mean I AM busy cleaning the house, doing laundry, getting groceries to make dinner and everything, so... wait, no I'm not. 

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend I used to work with who knew that James used to do all of the cooking, most of the grocery shopping, etc.  She asked me how it felt to be doing housework-type things now that I wasn't working.  And I sort of laughed, paused, and said, "uh, I'm not really sure."  "YOU MEAN JAMES STILL DOES ALL OF THE COOKING?!"  "Yup."  "WELL WHAT DO YOU DO!?"  Huh.  That's an interesting question.  Hmmm..... [tapping foot, looking at ceiling]. 

I'm not really sure.  I mean I DO make a pretty mean bacon and egg breakfast.  Speaking of, do you think the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cook their eggs in bacon grease too?

I do know ONE thing I do.  And that's FLIP THE F OUT on Willis when his ringer/phone is turned to silent mode.  This has been an ongoing tug-of-war in the Austin Ali/Willis household for a few months now.  See, I'm terrified that I'm going to go into labor while Willis is with his Other Family (i.e. on the golf course) and I'm not going to be able to get in touch with him.  And guess who doesn't want to drive herself to the hospital?  This girl.  I know that it's a big no-no to have your ringer on while playing golf, but...

Last night after I woke up from my nap I was trying to communicate with Willis via text message/phone call ("what time does Ikea close, Willis?") because he was in the living room and I was in the bedroom, and I couldn't get a hold of him.  I came flying out of the bedroom like a wild boar in heat, screaming "IS YOUR RINGER TURNED OFF AGAIN!?  WAS IT OFF WHEN YOU WERE GOLFING, WILLIS!!!!?????"  

It was. 

Oh Willis, dodging bullets left and right.  It's almost over, and hopefully some version of your original wife will return again.  Until then, hang in there, mer.... AND TURN YOUR RINGER BACK ON.    

Here is a recent picture of Willis, dodging bullets left and right.