OH.MY.GOD.

Willis and I have just returned from our first Lamaze class, and let me just say it again.  OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD. 

We are taking an "accelerated" version of the class, so 3 classes for around 3 1/2 hours each after work  (well, after Willis works).  I was expecting to be bored out of my mind (as was Willis), and we certainly didn't want to spend 6 weekend days on the classes.  I mean, how much can they really say about a breathing technique that I am not likely to remember anyway?  (I'm sure all of you mothers out there are just laughing away, saying "just you wait" - YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.  Just kidding, of course.)

What I was NOT expecting was to be watching videos of real births.  Four of them.  Four cha-chas, up close and personal.  And those cameras got DOWN AND DIRTY, ladies and gentlemen.  I saw more of Patty-helmet-head's who-ha than I think her husband has.  And it wasn't pretty.

Having to watch videos of up-close births in the first place would be bad enough, but I have a little problem when I'm in uncomfortable or embarrassing situations -- I start laughing.  It never fails, and it ALWAYS happens at the most inopportune times.  While I feel most other people can generally pull it together if this happens to them, I just get worse and borderline hysterical, and it doesn't go away quickly.  I can try pinching myself, yelling at myself in my head (GET IT TOGETHER ALI YOU REALLY NEED TO GROW UP YOU ARE 31 YEARS OLD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD), or thinking of something really sad, but it just makes me laugh even harder.  And then the ship sails -- I am completely out of control. 

Tonight it happened in front of the whole Lamaze class. 

It didn't help that my chair was in the front row of the TV screen, so the whole class could see me.  Willis was kind of off to the side, and once The Laughter started up (within 2 minutes of the first video), it got so bad that he thought I was crying.  So he looked at me and asked me if I was ok, which made me even more hysterical.  There were tears alright, but they weren't from crying.  I was shaking all over from laughter and kept trying to drink water to distract myself, but then I was laughing so hard I couldn't even swallow.  People were staring, and I don't think it's because I was in the way of the TV screen.  The lesbian couple to my right told me that I was a source of entertainment for them throughout the video, so at least some good came from it. 

Tonight the mantra I kept saying in my head to try and stop laughing was, "you aren't going to be laughing when this is you" - which in turn made me laugh even harder.  Then I would semi pull it together until something cheesy on the video would happen.  For example, one woman's husband kept getting right up in her face - we're talking like an inch away - saying supportive/cheesy things, and I started thinking to myself that if Willis pulls that stunt while I'm in labor, I'll punch him in the face.  Then that got me going again.  It was like a never-ending cycle until the movie ended. 

Aside from the Tourette's laughing episode, the class wasn't really boring, but it did manage to completely freak me out about labor.  I'm kind of bummed about this considering labor was something that I actually wasn't all that concerned about, if you can believe it.  I was actually looking forward to it, so we could just get on with this whole Logan thing.  I'm dying to meet him, and labor is just the obstacle that's in my way (that and Father Time).  But now I am stuck with these heinous images / sounds in my head of blood, cha-chas, and grunting and moaning. 

If only I could have a few glasses of wine to take the edge off... ahhh! 

59 MORE DAYS, 1 HOUR, 11 MINUTES.